Movies-a-Go-Go: Fifty Shades Darker


2017 sequel

Rating: 6/20

Plot: Who the hell really cares?

To ready myself to see the climax (no pun intended) of this steamy trilogy, I watched this middle installment. As with the first, I Movie-a-Go-Go'd this one. I'm not sure if they'll let me type in the movie theater to do this with the third movie--Fifty Shades Blander--or not, and I'm also not sure if I'll be able to see the movie in a bathrobe. Thoughts and prayers.

Here are my unadulterated thoughts while subjecting myself to Fifty Shades Darker:

Theatrical version or unrated version? Hell yeah, I’m watching this unrated version!

Christian is spanking it to some child abuse fantasy? What?

OK, that was a nightmare. I’m ten seconds into the film, and I’ve already proven that I may not be smart enough to watch the thing.

I must confess that I can’t really remember how the last one ended. I checked my own Movies A-Go-Go, but it didn’t really make much sense. This one also, I’m afraid, won’t make much sense.

Danny Fucking Elfman! What are you doing, man?

This feels like some sort of alternate dimension or something. I’m having a really difficult time interpreting the looks these people are giving each other.

Hmm...I wonder who could have possibly purchased these photographs of Anastasia?

And. . .here he is. And. . .they’re staring at each other indeterminately.

You can’t do this, Anastasia? What do you mean? After he just grabbed at your throat and slammed you against a brick wall? How could you possibly resist?

Christian’s sweater is a shade of gray.

“I’d like to renegotiate the terms.” Yes! That’s what I came here for! Term negotiation really gets me going!

“Okay, well, um...generally a key part of good communication is that both parties be conscious.” Well, you should have gotten a pair of leads who could actually appear conscious.

No punishments? This is not what I signed up for, Fifty Shades Darker!

No strings attached, Christian? And no pun intended!

“This is spiky.” If she keeps saying things like that, the terms may need to be re-renegotiated.

Apple product placement.

I’m seeing more and more of text dialogue appearing on the screen, and I don’t think I like it.

I’m not sure I like the cut of this Jack character’s jib.

I don’t know what a “jib” is exactly, but I bet Christian Grey would enjoy whipping it.

“I’m the boyfriend.”
“I’m the boss.”
"I'm the disgruntled audience."

Ben and Jerry’s product placement. Blatantly placed.

I know it’s early and I know there’s a sequel with both of these characters in it, but during this scene where they’re cutting vegetables, I’m really hoping one of them cuts himself or herself and bleeds to death.

Hugs from behind are off limits? Also not what I signed up for, Fifty Shades Darker!

“I’m too dressed.” I just want to point out that somebody had to write that line.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is some vanilla sex on the horizon.

I may have to use my safe word sooner than expected because of the song that’s playing during this scene.

Christian Grey butt cleavage.

On a personal note, I’m not sure I’ve ever had sex with my pants on. Am I missing out on something there or not?

“I was being romantic and then you distract me with your kinky fuckery.” Did Anastasia suffer from a traumatic brain injury or seven between movies?

This breakfast is slightly hotter than that sex scene.

Why is Kim Basinger in this movie?

They’ve had about four fights in the two or three days since they’ve gotten back together. I’m not sure these two are compatible at all.

“All of this is wrong.” Anastasia just wrote my review for me.

I can’t claim that I’m an expert of romantic relationships, but I’m seeing all sorts of warning signs here.

This lipstick drawing scene is pretty intense. I’m really not sure if he’s enjoying this or if it’s causing him discomfort. He’s not a great actor.

“No, you’re not putting those in my butt.”

What do the balls you just inserted into yourself do? I don’t know, but I really hope they jingle when she walks.

I’m hoping for an Eyes Wide Shut type party here. I mean, they have masks.

Mr. Nomad Paul?

Are there typically auctions at balls? I’m not sure how the wealthy operate, but that doesn’t seem right.

Now she’s open to being spanked? You should have forcibly shoved metal balls in her vagina earlier, Christian!

Three spanks is enough.

I think the crazy girl is admirable. She makes things happen!

The lipstick is still on him? Wasn’t that from a few days ago?

So many shots of this fucking boat! This seems endless, but Anastasia just said, “I’m the captain!” and made me laugh, so it’s all good.

And the award for the Most Boring Scene Taking Place in a Kinky Sex Room goes to. . .

Ironic that Christian talked about running with this device because there’s no way anybody could actually run with that thing shackled to their ankles.

That move to flip Anastasia onto her front probably gave her a wryneck!

“I hate it when we fight.” It’s half your relationship!

Her dream job? I find it hard to believe that anybody’s dream job is working as an assistant to this total asshole.

“If you’re going to fuck your way to prominence, you should at least do it with somebody who is gonna make you smarter, not just richer.” That’s actually pretty sound advice.

Jack’s got a total Matt Lauer vibe going on here.

That knee to the groin needed stunt doubles. She missed, and he reacted slowly.

“Christian, you know I love working [it].”

Van Morrison gets me going, too.

If I had a dollar for every time I rode an elevator with somebody who said, “Don’t come”. . .

I have a feeling this pool game is going to be the most suspenseful part of the movie.

Does a lack of panties affect one’s pool game?

He’s putting it in the back pocket, if you know what I mean.

Be careful, Christian. From personal experience, I can tell you that it’s tough to get jism out of red felt.

The pool game was about 30 times longer than the subsequent sex scene.

The way Leila said “Master sleeps in your bed” made it seem like she’s a descendant of Torgo.

OK, now I’ve decided that I’m definitely not smart enough for this movie. I have no idea what’s going on with this Leila subplot.

Prediction: They’re going to fix Jack up with Laila and manage to spank two birds with one stone.

Whoa! Her hand is in the lipstick zone!

I’m thinking that entire pool scene was the only thing this has that the theatrical version was missing.

He’s got a pommel horse?

I can’t believe this movie isn’t over yet.

I’m curious. If you start this movie and Gymkata at the exact same time, do the pommel horse scenes occur simultaneously?

More texts. This time, it’s revealed that Anastasia can spell “persistent.”

Ros is worried about Mount St. Helens blowing. I’m kind of hoping it does.

Mayday! Mayday! Our CGI helicopter is going down!

“My, you’re so tan and glowy.” Anastasia has a way with words.

That helicopter stunt was going a little far to get her to say yes to your marriage proposal, Christian.

“It’s after midnight.”
“I’m not tired.”
“It’s your birthday.”
Christian: Really confused look.

A keychain with the word “Yes” on the back. Christian’s question: “Does this mean yes?” Now I’m wondering which is the dumb one.

OK, I think I need to point out that he actually asked if it meant “yes yes.” That’s a little different.

The Red Room! Fuck, yeah!

I think he’s dumping lighter fluid on her chest now. This thing’s about to heat up!

How much time has passed in this idiotic movie?

“He’s the one, Mom. He’s got a Red Room, and his own helicopter! Oh, wait. . .”

And the movie is still going on. You’d think the engagement and Red Room would be the climax of this.

When does the auction start at this birthday party?

Christian’s brother seems like he could be a Trump.

By the way, this movie still isn’t over.

He’s proposing again? Did the makers of this forget that they’ve already gone through this?

I need one more Red Room scene before bed.

What the hell? Jack’s actually still a thing?

CGI fireworks. Nice ribbon on this movie.

No comments: