Smokey and the Bandit

1977 truck movie

Rating: 17/20 (Jen fells asleep a little before Burt Reynolds' first appearance.)

Plot: The titular outlaw drives a Pontiac Trans Am as a blocker for truck-driving pal Snowman as they attempt to illegally haul a load of Coors 1,800 miles in 28 hours in order to win a bet. On the way back, Bandit picks up a hitchhiker who has just fled from her wedding, an act which will later inspire Garry Marshall to make The Runaway Bride. The father of the groom, a tough sheriff named Buford T. Justice, chases relentlessly. Because the Bandit is played by Burt Reynolds, there's time to stop for sex.

On the surface, this is a chunk of 1970's sleazeballery, your typical counter-culture truck drivin' action/comedy flick. But this is the Shakespeare of truck drivin' films, less a movie really than a transcendent experience, a film that comes from some place you could never understand. Watching Smokey and the Bandit isn't like watching another movie. Well, at the very least, it shouldn't be like watching another movie. If you watch Smokey and the Bandit correctly, you really have to leave your body and watch yourself watching the movie, and I'm convinced that only the most virtuous viewers can make that happen. I watched this movie back in the late-70's, probably because my step-dad was a truck driver. I'd been to church, but watching Smokey and the Bandit is what really convinced me there was a God. How else could one explain Burt Reynolds' mustache? The speed of these vehicles? The human capacity for coming up with the idea that drives the plot of this movie--a bet to illegally transport Coors across state lines in time for Big Enos and Little Enos's party? Burt Reynolds is a force. There's no way his laugh, his crotch, his smile can possibly be organic. There are a limited number of possible effects that the Bandit character can have on individual audience members. Woman will at the very least want to smell Burt Reynolds, and in more extreme but also more likely cases, they will will want to have a sexual encounter with Burt Reynolds. And men? They will either shit in their pants or, in more extreme but not all that likely cases, want to have a sexual encounter with Burt Reynolds' hat. And almost everybody watching Burt Reynolds in this movie will want to get in his motor vehicle and drive it as fast as he can, just praying that somebody starts chasing him. But as amazing as Burt Reynolds is in this movie, it's really Jackie Gleason that is the heart and soul of this movie. Gleason, mostly improvising, has dialogue that John Keats wishes he would have been alive to write. No, I'll take that back. John Keats wishes he would have lived long enough to even hear lines like these:

"Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick. I'm in a God damn hurry."
"There's no way that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm going to do is punch your mama in the mouth."
"You sumbitches couldn't close an umbrella."
"Get off of there, you Schnauzer's tit."
"My name is Smokey Bear and I'm tail-grabbin' your ass right now."
"Do what I say you pile of monkey nuts."
"Duck or you're gonna be talking out your ass."
"Nobody make Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker."
"This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontanging around with those show folk fags."
"I'm going to barbecue your ass in molasses."

Combine writing like that with the cinematography, Burt Reynolds' mustache, and the grace of Sally Field and you've got yourself something a little closer to poetry than just your average movie. The incomparable Jerry Reed plays Snowman so well that you wonder how much of his life was spent talking on a CB radio. He also contributed a song or two that you won't be able to get out of your head for a week or so after you watch this movie, especially if you're like me and had to watch it six times straight. Paul Williams plays Little Enos, and he's not really a little person but I'm using my tag anyway. He wrote "An Old Fashioned Love Song" which became a hit for Three Dog Night, the first band I ever saw in concert. He also wrote "We've Only Just Begun" and "Rainy Days and Mondays" for the Carpenters and, most importantly for me, "Rainbow Connection" for The Muppet Movie.

Two bits of Shane trivia: 1) I stopped wearing jeans, for obvious reasons, after seeing this movie. 2) Sally Field was my first lover.

The End

1978 black comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Sonny, a high-livin' philanderer, is informed that he has less than a year to live by one of the landlords from Three's Company. He decides to take his life instead and says his goodbyes to his ex-wife, his lover, and his daughter. Unfortunately, he's not very good at killing himself and ends up in an asylum instead where he meets a schizophrenic named Marlon who decides to help him with his goal of ending his life.

This is another one that I had fond childhood memories of, and it's more than likely the first dark comedy I ever saw. I thought it was hilarious when I saw it as a seven year old. Then again, I thought suicide was hilarious back then, probably because of that episode of the Bozo show where Wizzo kept trying to hang himself but couldn't because he couldn't properly tie a knot and kept falling into a plastic swimming pool full of pudding instead. I saw this with my step-dad and mom in a motel with peeling wallpaper, and in the middle of the movie, I had to defecate. My step-dad commented on how long I spent in the restroom and how the sound of my fecal matter hitting the toilet water "didn't sound much like a man's" fecal matter. I'm not sure I ever recovered from that, and I still try to avoid situations where somebody might hear me defecate.

Burt Reynolds directed and starred in this. The premise alone is pretty funny, and Dom DeLuise, once he finally makes his way into the movie, is almost brilliant. It was probably a good idea not to have DeLuise in the first two-thirds of this actually because too much Dom would have been a bad thing here. Reynolds himself overdoes things a little bit. He screams a lot, apparently because screaming is funny, but does get a few really funny lines including the class "When I think about killing myself, I get a hard-on." Overall, this movie doesn't seem written enough though. Norman Fell makes an appearance as a doctor, but my favorite character might be Robby Benson's Father Dave Benson. Oh, and since this is a 1970's Burt Reynold's movie, cute-as-a-freakin'-button Sally Field is also in this, sometimes not wearing pants, and I, for one, am all for that. There was a lot of potential funny with this, and I would not mind seeing a remake, preferably one that doesn't have Vince Vaughn in it.

Note: That episode of the Bozo show does not really exist. I am making that up.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Dukes of Hazzard

2005 idiocy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: See a synopsis for pretty much any of the television episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard but stretched into twice the length. Boss Hogg wants Jesse Duke's farm, Daisy Duke's got long legs and a vapid expression, and Bo and Luke drive their car around really fast. Honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk. (Now go back and read that again to "Wish I Was in Dixie."

The good ol' boys, according to Waylon Jennings, were never meanin' no harm, but I'm not completely convinced the makers of this film version of the television show weren't. Or were. Too many double negatives and too much time for me to spend in Hazzard County to figure out what I even typed there.

Here's the biggest issue that I have with this movie: Johnny Knoxville--a guy I like when he's lighting his balls on fire or shoving toy army soldiers into his anus; also, a guy with a charisma and natural charm and good looks that could have made him a star if he would have made better decisions--and Seann William Scott--a guy with not only too many first names but too many N's in one of them--recreate the Duke boys as really unlikable characters. The television cousins were rude but always retained some likability. You rooted for them even though they were breaking some rules because they were firmly on the good side. These Duke boys are impossible to root for. They're jerks. And really stupid. You'd expect a character played by Jessica Simpson to be stupid, but I don't remember the Duke boys being so dumb. Or maybe Bo was. I don't remember. Actually, there's not a single performance on this that I enjoyed. Jessica Simpson looks good enough. Just ask Gene Siskel's ghost's erection! Willie Nelson looks confused, almost like he's wondering how his career hit such dismal depths. Watching him on the little motel television set me made really sad. Burt Reynolds? He's obviously just showing up for the paycheck and isn't half the actor that the porcine Sorrell Booke. I mean that literally and figuratively. M.C. Gaines doesn't even attempt that "Goo-goo-goo" giggle that the great James Best's Rosco P. Coltrane had. They even found themselves a Waylon Jennings imitator. There's just no spark to these characters. They go through the motions, sort of look like the original characters, and get in the same car crashes. But they very obviously are not the same characters and this Hazzard County is not the same world that the television show created.

Or more than likely it is but desperately needed to be half the length that it was with a few commercial breaks. I need some breaks from all the car crashes. As it is, it's one of the most mind-numbing pieces of crap I've ever seen, and I really feel more dumber for spending time with it. My vote for most ridiculous moments: Anytime Bo Duke talks to his car. I half-expected there to be a Bo Duke/General Lee sex scene at some point. I would have given it a five point boost.

Sidebar: I was talking about this movie and t.v. show with a black friend of mine. My token black friend so that I can make a few racist remarks every now and then and defend myself by saying, "It's ok because I have a black friend." It's the same reason that I'm friends with a gay guy, a little person, and a Republican actually. And a mentally-challenged guy. They're my entourage. Anyway, this guy's about my age and talked about loving this show as a kid without having any idea that a racial undercurrent was there. I always wondered growing up whether this show had any black fans. My black friend (See? That almost makes me a better person just for typing that!) said he remembers a recurring black character on the original series, a guy who was always in the big city they would sometimes go to. He didn't have any lines though. I think there should have been an episode where Bo and Luke interact with some black guys. The scene would freeze as they stand face-to-face and Waylon Jennings would say, "Black guys? The Duke boys sure are in trouble now!" and then that banjo riff would play. It'd be the ultimate cliffhanger because black people are really really dangerous. And I can say that because I have a black friend.

I'd be surprised to find out that this movie had any fans, by the way.

The Cannonball Run

1981 comedy

Rating: 4/20 (Jen: 2/20, although she didn't pay attention enough to catch the intricate genius of The Cannonball Run)

Plot: Based on a real event, The Cannonball Run tells the story of some highway scofflaws and degenerates trying to win an illegal cross-country automobile race. Showing this movie in theaters should have probably been illegal, too.

Criminally unfunny. From the blooper clips shown during the closing credits of this piece of crap, it looks like the cast is having a good time. That's good because I can't imagine the audience having a good time at all. A lot of supposedly talented people are involved, but other than the genius of Burt Reynolds' mustache and Farrah Fawcett's assets, there's not much to appreciate. I like to think of this movie as a recipe: You add the comic stylings of Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise, sprinkle in a little Farrah Fawcett and a couple other babes, pour in the timeless comedic talents of Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., add a pinch of Jackie Chan in a hatchback, throw in some mindless explosions and silly slapstick, top with the endlessly hilarious Terry Bradshaw and the stuttering Mel Tillis, and let simmer for what seems to be five days and you end up with. . .well, I don't know. Something you'd rather eat than watch, I guess. There's not a laugh to be had here. The bits don't work, but in The Cannonball Run, they're given a chance to work again and again which, of course, just makes you sick to your stomach. I might be wrong here, but I think some of the people associated with this movie might have used pseudonyms to escape what would have to be the inevitable end of their careers. David Shamroy Hamburger? Frank Bueno? Snuff Garnett? Come on! Those aren't real people!

Some Shane trivia: I first saw this movie at the Indiana Theater in Terre Haute, Indiana, making this the second worst movie I ever saw at that theater. All I remembered about the experience were the dozens of bats flapping over our heads though. Actually, now that I think about it, it may have been the sequel that I saw at the Indiana. That brings up a question, by the way. How could anybody have thought a sequel to this was a good idea?

Westworld

1973 science fiction western

Rating: 10/20

Plot: For the low cost of 1,000 bucks a day, vacationers can stay at an adult amusement park to get the ultimate experience in virtual reality. They have their choice between Westworld where they can play cowboys and Indians, Romanworld, and a medieval world. A homosexual couple, neither who are Burt Reynolds, decide to visit Westworld. They're having a great time shooting up robots, having sex with robots, and doing other things that cowboys do like robots until those robots start malfunctioning and killing everybody. Then they have to ask for their money back. Yee-haw!

I'm sure Yul Brynner went to his grave proud of his work in this one. Not only is he just phoning in his role from The Magnificent Seven (same costume, I believe!), but he dies like a pansy about thirty-seven times in this movie. This is incredibly dated and stupid on almost every level. Couldn't stand either of the main characters or their stupid hair/moustaches, and somebody should be embarrassed about the B-western action choreography. The main character runs like a girl! The man-on-android action was nothing but a tease. Twice I laughed loudly enough to wake Jennifer up. Westworld is a science fiction western made by people who know nothing about science or westerns. More plot holes here than a sponge's biopic! Yee-haw! Apparently, this is going to be remade. That has Academy Award written all over it!

Note: I would have given this a 14/20 if Yul Brynner would have jerked around on the floor after his deaths. I've always wanted to see Yul Brynner jerk around on the floor.

Here I am:

Silent Movie

1976 hilarious Mel Brooks comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Idiots attempt to get money and stars together to shoot a silent movie. People fall down a lot, and a studio is saved. Maybe. I lost interest and can't remember.

A timeless classic with slapstick and sight gags galore! That stuff never gets old. I knew from the first gag (in which a pregant woman climbs into the back of the Three Stooges' convertible and the car tips back on its back wheels) that this would be a laugh-a-minute comedy and that my knee would be red from slappin'. And when Burt Reynolds showed up in a shower scene that rivals Psycho for most hilarious shower scene in cinematic history, I knew I was watching something special.



He was the bandit and looks great without a shirt!

The funniest moment of the movie, although I honestly didn't even come close to chuckling even once, involved Marcel Marceau's cameo. And sadly, if the funniest part of the movie involves a mime, you know you're in trouble. I find it hard to believe that this wasn't dated before its release. I really like my humor a little more subtle than this.

Here I am laughing hysterically while enjoying Silent Movie: