The Man with the Iron Fists

2012 kung-fu movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Some bad guys try to steal some treasure, and it's up to a blacksmith and a government official to stop them.

This is a kind of labor of love for Wu-Tang Clan's RZA who co-wrote this with Eli Roth, directed, and ill-advisedly stars in the thing. I suppose the directing is admirable. Man looks as good as any other modern kung-fu movie with some dazzling acrobatics, some ok special effects (not the CGI wolves at the beginning--that's one of the grossest effects I've ever seen), and a lot of bloodletting, including much spurting and even some visible viscera that could get fans of that sort of thing excited enough. The story's not awful but a bit of a mess, not the worst thing that can happen to a kung-fu movie. It was good to see both Gordon Liu and Pam Grier, the latter whom the guy who works across the hall from me referred to as his "celebrity crush" although I'm sure he's talking about Pam Grier in her prime. The former is somebody I might have a celebrity crush on, and I don't even care if it's Gordon Liu in his prime or not. When I think of kung-fu, I think of Russell Crowe, and he sneaks into this thing as an under-realized perverse anti-hero with the not-as-clever-as-RZA-thinks name Jack Knife. I had to give this a bonus point because Crowe's character refers to his phallus as "the baby's arm" when requesting to put it inside Lucy Liu's character. Speaking of Liu, she's absolutely awful here, delivering lines that I'm sure both she and RZA think are much cuter than they actually are. Her performance is worse than RZA's, but he shouldn't have been in his own movie either, at least not with a speaking role. He seems tired or high, or maybe he's both. The more traditional kung-fu hero is played by Rick Yune, and I don't like that character at all. It'd be fine if there was a cool bad guy, but we're given Silver Lion played by a guy named Byron Mann. Silver Lion looks way too much like Revenge of the Nerds' Booger to take seriously. And later, there's an even worse bad guy--Dagger! If you're watching a kung-fu movie and can't root for the good guys or the bad guys, the kung-fu movie is in some serious trouble. The most intriguing characters--other than some disappointingly only nearly-nude whores that are definitely not utilized to their full potential--are the Gemini Twins who aren't in the movie enough and really don't have that much to do. They're barely more than a deleted scene or two that made it into the movie because RZA filmed the stuff and didn't want to cut anything. There's an "Attaboy, Luther" moment when a random voice in the crowd says, "Gemini Stance!" A clumsy flashback done so poorly that it managed to be comical was probably the film's worst moment, one that might showcase the director's limitations more than anything else. A worse decision, however, was the use of Wu-Tang Klan music (Ol' Dirty Bastard if I'm recalling correctly) and other questionable choices. I'm also not sure what I thought about the use of animal growls during fight scenes, but I probably didn't like those either. There's a guy made from metal--didn't I just see that somewhere else?--and a bunch of unique weapons that show RZA's potential with this sort of thing, but he, as a classic kung-fu Shaw Brothers aficionado, really should have known better and not released something that seems like less of an homage than a tacky rehash of other recent modern martial arts flicks. The credits, by the way, seem to be a prelude to a sequel which has bird people in it, and despite the inclusion of bird people, that movie looks like it could end up even worse than this one.

Tai Chi Zero

2012 kung-fu movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Some guy with a horn travels to a town to learn some kung-fu. The master refuses to teach him. A pissed guy with a giant tank invades, and the guy with the horn and a woman have to help defend the city.

Though there's a lot of vibrancy and neat ideas, this movie is the type that is better to casually watch and appreciate aesthetically instead of think about and try to care about the characters at all. There's plenty of cutesiness with little pop-ups that tell about characters and the town. And the mash-up of steampunk imagery and weapons with the martial arts genre, the reason I decided to check this out in the first place, is kind of inspired. The giant tank thing, like a bulbous metallic turtle or some sea creature, moves quickly from being a novelty to something you just don't care about anymore. The special effects, those flashy sorts of effects that dominate a lot of modern kung-fu movies, cheapen the whole thing and make the fight scenes glossy and cartoonish instead of anything that has any real emotion. There's enough different about this to make it frustrating that it wasn't something better, and it's just fun enough in spots to make me interested in a sequel.

Stephen Fung directed this and played a character. Hark-on Fung is also in this. I just wanted to type that name.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie on Facebook with Friends: Duel to the Death

1983 kung-fu flick

Rating: 15/20 (Fred: 17/20; Libby: 16/20; Bryan: dnf)

Plot: A Chinese guy and a Japanese guy travel to Holy Sword House to see who is the greatest swordsman. Ninjas attempt to stop them.

[Spoiler Alert!] In one of seven climactic scenes, the main bad guy has his head chopped off. It sails through the air and gets impaled on a tree limb. Then, it speaks: "You will die!" Then, it explodes!

That's right. We messed up and watched a movie that wasn't bad at all on Bad Movie Club night. Not only was it not bad--it's a borderline kung-fu classic! First, it's got ninjas galore. They're ninjas that pop out of the ground, throw bombs, fly into scenes via kites, spin webs, turn into women, and in one jism-inducing sequence, morph together a la Power Rangers into one menacing giant ninja. These are ninjas who fight dirty. There are some incredible, physics-defying fight sequences in this, and luckily for dumb kung-fu movie fans like me who get a little bored with verbosity and too much plot, this is almost wall-to-wall action funkiness. The two swordsmen are so quick, and with all those ninjas, a handful of monks, a pair of chicks, and a bunch of other underdeveloped characters, there's often a bunch of action stuffed into the screen at the same time. If you do require things like character development and plots that make sense, this might frustrate a little. The battle for swordplay supremacy is easy enough, but there are so many twists and turns in this and the confusing character motivations make things really confusing. Gender confusion, a dubbed bird, a legless guy, and puppet show foreshadowing gum up the works. But none of it matters because you don't watch kung-fu movies for things like plot and character development. You watch because you want to see people kill other people in poetic and beautiful ways, and Duel to the Death delivers the goods there. Highly recommended for fans of the genre.

The Dragon Lives Again

1977 kung-fusploitation shenanigans

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Bruce Lee has died and ends up in hell with James Bond, Zatoichi, Dracula, Clint Eastwood, a bunch of mummies, Popeye, the Exorcist, the Godfather, Emmanuelle, the one-armed swordsman, and Kain. Some of the above are attempting a coup, and Bruce Lee has to stop them. And the devil has an earthquake machine.

In order to fully appreciate the beauty of this Brucesploitation craziness, you have to keep in mind that the makers claim it was "dedicated to the millions who love Bruce Lee," as if the whole thing was done to honor the man's legacy. First, they put him in hell. Second, they team him up with Popeye and have him getting beat up by the Chinese Clint Eastwood. This stars Bruce Leong, one of the handful of Lee imposters who starred in these things. He looks nothing like Bruce but has some sweet moves. Of course, they logically explain why he doesn't look the same. They also give him a humongous erection as a corpse which is really a nice touch, especially considering this is a movie dedicated to the millions who love Bruce Lee. The other characters? Well, Popeye's first bit of screen time is almost more shocking than anything in Se7en, the one-armed swordsman is sans sword, Dracula is a Chinese guy in white face who wanders around in the daylight, James Bond gets the theme music but unfortunately only lasts approximately 14 seconds in his final fight, and Emmanuelle says things like "I'm such a silly little pussy; you can spank my body if you want to." There are some dudes in skeleton suits which are kind of cool, and they must be where the Cobra Kai guys got their Halloween costume inspiration. There's a real skeleton, too, in one of the more ridiculous effects you'll ever see. I was also fond of watching the fake Bruce Lee battling mummies. Yes, they looked silly, but it was a cool visual against a backdrop of stone. Not sure why they needed to add footstep sound effects since they're fighting on sand. Of course, this is a hell where the devil can shake a pillar and cause earthquakes and there are people with fuzzy animal heads, so footsteps in the sand are far from the silliest thing going on here. I also caught a likely-unsanctioned Pink Floyd sample with the echoing laughter repetition that happens at the end of "Bike" on Piper at the Gates of Dawn.

Greatest thing about this movie (or perhaps any movie): "The third leg of Bruce Lee"

In case you're having problems finding this, be aware that it is also known as Deadly Hands of Kung Fu. You're welcome.

Charlie's Angels

2000 television show remake

Rating: 10/20 (Jen: 10/20)

Plot: The titular crime fighters have to defeat a bad guy who has stolen something that has to do with computers.

My wife wanted to watch this because she's a big Crispin Glover fan. The special effects team behind this twist him all around, allow him to defy gravity, and give him a cane sword. It actually looked to me like Glover might have been having some fun as a mysterious and mute villain. It's the most action he's had on screen since that punch in Back to the Future. He's easily the best thing about this mess. Well, unless you're a fan of the numerous shots of the Angels' rear ends. With hair-sniffing quirks and severely-parted hair, this will likely be the closest Crispin gets to being a James Bond villain. This tongue-in-cheek action comedy is almost a little fun, but the stupidity overwhelms it. Gratuitously sexy, unashamedly corny, and cartoonishly action-packed, this definitely won't appeal to the thinking man part of you. The trio of Angels--Barrymore, Liu, Diaz--are fine, but that something about Drew Barrymore that really annoys me is on full display here, and Diaz's character is a little too stupid. But they all move well and are shapely enough. There are a few cameos (Jen--"Tom Green AND Joey?"), and then there's Bill Murray who always looks to me like he knows that he's wasting his time when I see him in things like this. Allegedly, a fight with Lucy Liu caused by Murray questioning her talent kept him out of the sequel. I was happy to hear a Flying Lizard's song in this, but that was early in the movie, way before I realized that the makers of this were actually going to use every single song that has ever existed on the soundtrack. Oh, and there's Sam Rockwell, not surprising at all since he's in every movie.

I'm going to eventually see the sequel to this, but I won't feel good about it. I hope there are more explosions in part two!

The Street Fighter

1974 Sonny Chiba movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The mafia attempts to recruit the titular bad ass to kidnap a woman who just inherited a ton of money from her rich father. Terry, however, does not like the mafia and decides to protect her instead. Meanwhile, a pair of siblings keep trying to kill Terry for revenge. Lots of skull-smashing and nut-rippage ensues.

Despite the most famous scene in this in which a punch is shown in x-ray in order for the audience to see the actual denting of a skull, and despite a scene where Sonny Chiba's character does castrate a guy with his bare hands, this is nowhere near as violent or as bloody as I always imagined it would be. In fact, I've always wondered if I've just caught abridged versions of this every time I've watched it or something. I generally prefer old-school kung-fu movies that take place a long time ago more than the ones with contemporary settings, but this is an entertaining martial arts movie, mostly because of the faces that Sonny Chiba makes right before or right after he's nutsack-torn or skull-squished or eye-gouged somebody. Chiba's facial expressions and strange posture give him some charisma, and he's got the perfect face for the type of anti-hero he plays in these things. The fight scenes aren't terrific. The most challenging one-on-one match-up he has is with a rotund gentleman, and nothing about that makes any sense. The climactic fight aboard a ship is good and involves some cool stunts. And it's mostly accompanied by cheesy 70's electronic-y sound effects and funky music, especially the great title track which made me want to dig up Dolemite and show off a few of my dance moves. You know, put my weight on it.

Disco Godfather

1979 disco anti-drug movie

Rating: 4/20

Plot: The titular hero, a platter-spinning cat at a discotheque, declares his own personal war on PCP after his nephew runs into trouble.

This is Rudy Ray Moore but not with his Dolemite character. It does have plenty of tackiness, 70's jumpsuit sequin action, and a few terrible kung-fu scenes though. Oh, and a Rudy Ray Moore sex scene, of course. The best of those fight scenes (and by best, I'm really meaning the worst) are a pair with some telephone repairmen, the second of those accompanied by this "One Way Ticket to Hell--Shermanizin'" song that made me want to get my own jumpsuit, preferably a crotchless one. Interesting that this has such a strong anti-drug message since I assume the only people who would really like this movie would have to be on some sort of drug. Maybe Angel Dust. PCP must be a hell of a drug, apparently one capable of transforming a disco into Night of the Living African American Dead and turn Rudy Ray Moore into a skeleton. This whole thing starts with a ton of disco dancing mayhem with a great entrance by Moore in this blue outfit and a whole lot of cries to "Put some weight on it!" whatever the hell that means. Moore apparently thought that little catch phrase would be huge because the credits point out that he did copyright it. Things really get interesting when this turns into a 1970's black version of Reefer Madness. Moore's performance is something to behold--the early delivery of a "Where is Bucky and what has he had?" line, the mispronunciation of the word clandestine, and a scream at about the hour and twenty-nine minute mark that might be the best acting I've ever seen. My favorite moment might be during one of Rudy Ray's curse-filled ramblings about PCP that ends with a reporter asking, "Can I quote you on that?" The most exciting moments are during the PCP freakouts, scenes that almost reminded me of an urbanized Coffin Joe or something. And when animation is added to the freakouts, it was suddenly like outsider art or something.

Notable moments: An awesome performance by John Casino--Kurt Russell's stuntman for the last 25 years--as a cowboy. His death scene is one of the more ludicrous things you'll ever seen.

Best line that isn't "Put some weight on it!": "She claimed the ham was crying and didn't want the ham ruining her party."

The Onion Movie

 

2008 satirical news movie

 

Rating: 10/20

 

Plot: America's finest news source with anchorman Norm Archer gives us the news. But Archer becomes increasingly frustrated with their corporate sponsor and its cartoon penguin. Meanwhile, terrorists.

 

I love The Onion, but this came across as a slightly-more-intelligent Not Another Teen Movie which I don't mean as praise. On the one hand, you've got some biting satire (my personal favorite kind of satire), some no-holds-barred envelope pushing that is clever enough to make me want to use all kinds of cliches. And then you've got Steven Seagal punching cocks. Sure, "Taffy? Fucking blacks!" is something that I'm likely to repeat and the most inappropriate time imaginable, and a blue teddy bear nearly converted me into a plushsexual after years of sketchy heterosexuality. And then there's Rodney Dangerfield rolled out to say exactly what you think he'd say. There's clever stuff in here, and I'll always be more willing than most people to support a movie that features scenes with people having sexual relations with a library book return slot, but the whole thing is so poorly paced and clumsily strung together that it's not a surprise at all to find out that this had no theatrical release and was shelved for a few years. Bits went on for far too long, and the attempt to tie it all together with the Archer vs. cartoon penguin subplot never really worked. A wild ending synthesized the chaos a bit, but there was just far too much stupid involved to make it work. And Rodney Dangerfield. 

Kung Fu Panda 2

2011 sequel

Rating: 14/20 (Abbey: 16/20)

Plot: The titular panda and his pals return to stop an evil peacock from using a modern explosive weapon to destroy kung-fu and take over the world.

I'd suspect that if you saw and liked the first of these movies, you would enjoy this one, too. It's really more of the same with a great use of colors, the same interesting if a bit underutilized characters, a few new additions including Gary Oldman as the villain, and a lot of action sequences. The fight scenes, if my memory's any good, are better than the ones in the first movie. The animators have these kung-fu fightin' animals clash in some very creative ways, and the screen's filled with all this complex movement. I really liked how the peacock fought, the animators--folks who have obviously seen their share of classic kung-fu flicks--cleverly using his tail feathers like one of those fighting fans. As with the first movie, there's a mix of animation styles, and the 2-D stuff used to give some backstory or for dream sequences is really neat. The music is very good, and even better is the use of sound effects. The humor doesn't work for me at all, and the attempt to inject a little emotional depth into the story of a goofy panda trying to save the world with his kung-fu skills feels forced although I wouldn't want any less of Seinfeld alum James Hong's voice. I threw up all over my lap with the "My son is alive" ending. I also had to penalize this a whole point for a "Skadoosh"that reminded me that I was just watching a sequel. By the way, I don't see how a third one of these could work even though the ending seems to set us all up for one with a shot of a lost panda village or something. A third movie might just be 90 minutes of Jack Black saying "Skadoosh" actually. Actually, now that I think about it, that could work. Throw in an interesting bad guy--I'm thinking an evil walrus--and you might have something.

You know what could also work? An animated Bruce Lee movie. Think about it. That would be bitchin'!

I just noticed that this is directed by a woman, Jennifer Yuh, who is also directing the third installment. There's a delicate flamboyance here that just might be the result of having a female at the helm. I hope that doesn't offend any of my female readers because I meant it as a compliment.

Oprah Movie Club Pick for July: Kung Fu Hustle

2004 kung-fu comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Gang turf wars disrupt the slummy harmony of Pig Sty Alley. Meanwhile, Sing and his pal--a pair of halfwit secondhand crooks--pretend to be members of the notorious Axe Gang, a plan that doesn't go very well. A lot of people get kicked as the Axe Gang wages war on Pig Sty Alley and its hidden kung-fu talent. Then, a frog man.

What a fun and completely ridiculous movie! It's got a great look, too, although you can see right through the CGI with flailing characters looking all blubbery and splitting beams looking all glitchy. But it's just got this crisp look, and the dark but colorful 1930s world created in the opening scenes is really well done. Pig Sty Alley looks great, too, almost like a set Tati would have constructed for a movie. One great scene has the camera whisking through the town to show what its inhabitants are up to--they're swatting flies, engaging in a little domestic violence, playing checkers, apparently pooping. And the way the camera moves around the characters gives this a freshness that appeals to me. The irreverence gives this a manic edge, a wackiness that might make you wonder if insanity and/or drugs were involved, almost like the type of action movie a very clever four year old would make after he's devoured the pudding and Fruit Loops. But the martial arts action is legit. Star/writer/director Stephen Chow spends most of the movie as a wanna-be, but he shows off the skills when needed. His best moment is when he laughs after demonstrating how evil he is by stealing ice cream. The cool-looking Axe Gang--how could you not love a group of ax-wielding bunch of thugs wearing black top hats and showcasing some great dance moves while they do their axin'-- are mostly around to give major characters something to punch. I'm just a top hat, an ax, and a few bitchin' dance moves away from heading up my own Axe Gang, by the way. The trio of kung-fu masters in Pig Sty Alley are great with their individual fists, forearm rings, and staffs, and I loved the creative choreography in the "Why don't we spar a little before we leave?" scene, one of those great scenes that really has no reason to even be in a movie. Most of the characters--The Beast, the killer Guqin assassins, the landlady, and her husband--are aided by special effects, but it doesn't make the cartoonish fight scenes any less beautiful. The springy and boinging and whooshing sound effects don't hurt things either. Warner Brothers and kung-fu mashing-up isn't that much of a stretch anyway, is it? This is Road Runner kung-fu! The comedy works only some of the time, usually when it's more visually than humor. I'm not sure how well this is translated, but the humor doesn't always translate well and the dubbed voices are pretty ridiculous. The slapstick visual humor is great though even at its most obvious or goofiest. Chow sizing up the Alley to find a "worthwhile" opponent is a clever little scene. The whole movie has a made-up-as-we-go feel, and I don't mean that as a criticism at all. There's a looseness which makes this a great its big hits and even its occasional misses a lot of fun. The lesson here, I believe, is that if you're going to go ridiculous, go completely ridiculous because half-assed ridiculousness just won't suffice. The landlady's cigarette, a character inexplicably named Doughnut (I think) who steals lines from other movies, a freaking toad man, a kitty silhouette getting sliced in two, and a little kid being urinated upon. Really, what's not to love here? This is the definitive film for immature martial arts movie fans.

I'm assuming this will go as well as the other Oprah Movie Club discussions, and I can't wait to read your thoughts about Kung Fu Hustle.

True Legend

2010 martial arts movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A war hero retires to start a family. His pissy adopted brother disrupts that, kills their father, and steals his son. With the help of a pair of jovial but mean gods, Su has to train to meet his brother again and save his family.

The line "You killed my father!" isn't in this, but it might as well be. I wish I would have started keeping track a long time ago of kung-fu movies where somebody gets mad at somebody else for killing his father.

I have trouble deciding whether I like this new martial arts movies. On the one hand, this is directed by Woo-ping Yuen, so you might guess (correctly) that the fight choreography is stunning. The story and a lot of the special effects have some issues, however. You almost have to look at this in three parts. The first part is standard stuff and suffers a bit from a whole bunch of those big swoopy majestic CGI effect moves complete with those impressive whoosh sounds to show sweeping landscapes or allow the camera to fly over the top of a giant battle. What was the first movie to use these because I'd like to have a word with it. There are a lot of effects in this first battle scene; still, it's a thrill, magically fast and bloody. And you get to see a guy with horns on his hat kill a pot of water. We skip ahead to the family drama and a brother with armor sewn into his skin who can make his veins turn a dark gray color. The movie's main conflict begins, and our protagonist and wife are thrown into some raging rapids where they disappear in a very weird way with some of the fakest CGI you'll ever see. Maybe it suffered from high-definition, but the effects just looked strange to me. And there was an over-dependence on them. CGI-birds? Why? Anyway, the bulk of this movie is what I'm calling the second part, where we meet some mystical characters who are either hallucinations or deities. The second sighting of those two guys, almost a wacky circus balancing act, is deliriously awesome, and the training sequences where the hero is throwing down with them are pretty great. And it builds to the big showdown where the movie should have probably ended. However, there's tragedy, and a new ending is required so we have a third part featuring wrestlers and David Carradine. I'm not going to complain about David Carradine ever, but this stuff with his wrestling thugs seems anticlimactic after the brother-on-brother action has completed. And one of the wrestlers, a guy with an eyepatch, has a distracting giant hole in the crotch of his pants. I assume that was not a CGI-hole, but it might have been. There's also a scene where David Carradine Barry-Bonds one of his wrestlers which is just dopey. This third part does showcase the drunken boxing beautifully and has an exhilarating sequence in a bar where a fight between a pair of inebriated guys transforms into a breakdance showdown that would put Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo to shame. But since our main story is done, it's all superfluous, isn't it? I liked Wenzhuo Zhao as the lead, especially when he's bearded and disheveled. He doesn't have a ton of charisma, but he was playing a badly beaten character for most of this and charisma probably wouldn't have been appropriate. I'd like to see more of him though. And the God of Wushu character was played by Jay Chou who is Kato in whatever green superhero movie has Kato in it. Either that or he's Kato in an O.J. Simpson biopic.

Kent recommended this. I wanted to like it better.

Kung Fu vs. Yoga

1979 kung-fu movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A kung-fu dude wins himself a wife at a tournament, but she won't let him consummate the marriage until he retrieves three items for her. He and his friend run off to steal these items from an angry monk, a transgender kung-fu master, and a contortionist.

I found a dvd release of this with Dolemite on the front--a "Dolemite presents" thing--but the dvd copy I had unfortunately didn't mention Dolemite at all. The story here is fairly pedestrian although a guy running raound doing all these dangerous things just to get laid is something we can all respect. And the acting/dubbing is really as bad as it gets. "The guy with the eyebrows (no, not THAT guy with the eyebrows) is dubbed in a way that makes it seem like he's the worst actor of all time--"You're going to die! You're going to diiiiiiieeeeeee!" "Balls! Balls! I shall beat you both!" The voices used are just ridiculous. But nobody who pops this into their dvd players cares about either the acting or the story. And the fight scenes in this are creative and a lot of fun. I really like the way the protagonist and his friend work together, especially during the scene with the guy with the eyebrows. They toss each other around, kick through each other's legs. It's humorously choreographed and only slightly gay. That doesn't seem very heroic in a martial arts fight, by the way. Ganging up on somebody? Speaking of humorously gay, I think this is the first kung-fu flick I've seen that features a fight with a transvestite, all limp-wristed and as whiny as a wounded bird. That fight contains a nutsack grab accompanied with a slide whistle sound effect which makes it exactly as awesome as you think it would be. But it's the final fifteen-minute-or-so battle with the yoga guy--the reason for this goofy title, I imagine--that makes the movie. Singh, played by some guy named Dupar Singh, is this lanky quadruple-jointed contortionist, and the fight between those three has to be seen to be believed. This was Dupar Singh's only movie, another of those great one-and-dones. Appreciators of goofy kung-fu movies, the kind who get all giddy when something like Cripple Masters is brought up, won't want to miss this thing of beauty. More than likely, that scene (and perhaps the entire movie) is Youtubable.

Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky

1991 kung-fu movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: The titular guy who can't decide how to spell his name winds up in a prison run by corrupted officials and has to put a few fist-shaped holes in a few guys in order to survive.

This was high on my list of Things Shane Needs to See for a really long time, and then I finally saw it and ended the experience surprisingly flaccid, especially for a movie with so many internal organs that end up external. Naturally, I had to see it again, only to discover that although it's technically a pretty bad movie, it's one you just can't look away from. It's ridiculously dumb, the dumb exemplified best in a scene where our hero spills a dude's intestines with one punch, hits another guy so hard that he explodes, and takes a spike through his hand without batting an eye before "Tattoo Guy" (my name for him) says, "Hmm...you're not bad." Not bad? He just disemboweled a guy with his fist and made another guy explode! Tattoo Guy sure has high standards. There's another intestine-heavy scene featuring what might be the pun of the year--"Alright! You have a lot of guts, Oscar." Despite all the mayhem and very-low-budget gore (these inmates' heads look like they're made out of Play-Doh), this movie strangely lacks personality. The characters are either too goofy or bland, but at least the bland ones fit in with the ugly and bland prison setting with its tomato-soup-colored floors. But a movie that can't find its personality despite scenes of nails on faces, heads being punched off, multiple eviscerations, guys skinned alive, chin demolition, hand destruction, and a guy with an effeminate voice kicking a dog in half for no good reason is a movie that has some issues. Some distracting dubbing doesn't help. But as a bonus to all the kung-fu gore, you do get a great scene where a guy takes a dump and sings "Satisfaction" about as poor as one can sing it and another scene where Japanese people are playing basketball, a spectacle that probably looked exactly like you'd expect it to look.

The Man Who Saved the World

1982 Turkish Star Wars

Rating: 2/20

Plot: A pair of kung-fu fightin' astronauts (or are the cosmonauts in Turkey? [or did Turkey not even have anything that even remotely resembled a space program?]) land on what must be Tatooine where a demonic wizard is doing a variety of things that he hopes will result in, I believe, the destruction of the world. They battle his evil minions and try to locate a magic sword while parts of the Raiders of the Lost Ark score plays in the background.

That might be the poster of the year. Always good to start with the positives.

Seriously, this just plagiarizes music from the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films. Not only that, it plagiarizes space battle sequences from A New Hope. It's not just little snippets either. This is huge chunks of film. They look odd because they're squashed into a different aspect ratio, but I still think it counts as stealing. It's strange hearing the Indiana Jones theme while X-Wings fly around the Death Star.

Watching the credits, I noticed that Turkish people already have good Star Wars names, so that makes things easy. I also noticed that the company that produced this beast is named Kunt Films.

This actually looks like the type of movie that would be produced by Kunt Films. And no, I'm not really sure what that means. But wouldn't this thing be in a Kunt Films production:



That's the Darth Vader of Turkish Star Wars, an evil wizard. Of course, this differs from the Star Wars trilogy because the Turkish Star Wars Darth Vader dies which means he won't end up being anybody's father if there's ever a sequel to this thing. And that, dear readers, is how you spoil two movies in one sentence. Although I doubt anybody reading this hasn't seen the Star Wars films, I still should probably apologize. Hopefully this other image from The Man Who Saved the World will make up for it:

Yeah, that picture is random, but so is most of this movie. After the initial Star Wars space battle scenes, there's a lengthy scene where the hero and the other hero ride on horses to the Raiders theme. The horse-riding scenes are chopped up with shots of monsters. Now what I can't figure out is why the makers of this thing decided to show us close-ups of these growling beasts.

Toilet tissue mummies, obligatory tinfoil "stormtroopers, an absurdly-large and unwieldly magic sword, chaotic fight choreography, trampolining, the most maddening sound effects I've ever heard, metal hands, sliced furry things, exploding decapitated heads (Seriously, what the hell? A mummy thing is decapitated. The head is thrown at another mummy. Explosion. Does that make sense in Turkey?), blue robot lasers. It's all pretty brilliant. And this ends in what has to be the worst special effect I have ever seen. I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's the evil wizard's head chopped in half vertically. If nothing else, this movie has inspired me to look for the Turkish Titanic movie. Oh, snap! These guys:

The Devil's Sword

1984 Indonesian kung-fu craziness

Rating: 7/20

Plot: There's the titular sword, a crocodile nymphomaniacal goddess who enslaves the men of nearby villages, a guy who wears bedazzled diapers and a shiny headband who sometimes floats around on a rock, and a bunch of crocodile men. Mayhem!

I might have to check out more Indonesian kung-fu movies or at the very least some Barry Prima. I'm sure the guy's like the Indonesian Bruce Lee. Only better because he hasn't died yet. Hell, he probably never will. The story for this thing, by "MAN" according to the credits, isn't all that important. It's Indonesian poetry, with action hero Barry Prima who almost knows movie martial arts fighting guys dressed up as crocodiles. This has some of the most inept fight choreography you're ever likely to see, guys moving slowly like they're waiting for their next scripted lunge. If head-loppin'-off's your thing, this has several decapitation scenes. You also get guys sailing off at ridiculous heights after being sliced, sliced with a sword that isn't even the demon sword. And those silly crocodile men who sometimes, but not always, hop into action. Seriously, check this out:

There's one scene (if you're in to this sort of thing) where Barry Prima has sexual relations with a crocodile. Not a crocodile man, you pervert, but an actual crocodile. See:

You'll just have to take my word for it that it's even hotter when they're moving. Actually, that might be a crocodile man after all. I couldn't focus because I was freaking out! I think it was the synth-laden score, or maybe the funny feeling that the crocodile queen gave me during those hypnosis scenes. She was a hot little number, living in her underwater den where special effects look a whole lot like cheap magic tricks. The scene where she's on a spinning bed surrounded by a ring of fire is exactly how I imagined sex to be when I was nine. And there's a huge orgy scene near the end of this (it actually interrupts the big climactic action scene and brings everything to a grinding halt) that I'm sure was an inspiration for that goofy rave sex scene in that third Matrix movie. This has some other cool characters, too. A skeletal boat man was pretty rad. I was really digging the kung-fu stylings of this guy with a skinny neck (I think his name was Skinny Neck Guy) who waits around for a while before flipping into action and showing off this uniquely awkward style. But his demise is unfortunately very quick. The crew of evil warriors are cool, too, with their interesting weapons and their ability to burrow underground or fly around, but the preface to their big battle scene was so lengthy. At least they threw out some good Indonesian kung-fu trash talk: "You polluted bitch hound!" and "Dirty daughter of a whore!" were my favorites. The witch hag, an evil warrior whose weapon appeared to be a bundle of weeds, was neat. I don't want to give too much away, but you don't ever want to count her out, even when she's cut in half. Oh, I just gave too much away. I guess it won't hurt to show you this then, a hideous monster in a cave filled with all kinds of half-assed booby traps:


This is recommended for anybody who's ever wanted to see Barry Prima have sex with a crocodile. I realize that's a very specific fetish, but I'm sure you people are out there.

Project A: Part 2

1987 sequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Dragon Ma is assigned to get rid of some gangsters in town. Meanwhile, some pirates from the last movie are looking for him to get their revenge. Apparently, they understood what was going on in the last movie better than I did and are pissed off about it.

This sequel delivers similar excitement from Part 1 in chunks, but it's not the wall-to-wall action of its predecessor and makes even less sense. There's some cuteness with a pair of handcuffs, an excellent fight scene early in the movie with bruising and flopping that look like outtakes from the first movie, and another 1920s comedy allusion. This time, it's a nod to Keaton and his most famous stunt. Mixed in with all this is a lot of silliness. I did like one line quite a bit: "I'm just wondering what to do with your corpses." That's something I might start saying to my students. The comedy that isn't physical comedy, just like in the first movie, falls completely flat, banging its head even harder than some of these stunt men. I did like this early exchange:

"You can't go around mugging ladies on the street!"
"But we're muggers!"

The motley collective of baddies is fun. There's Fatty, Shades, Stumpy Top Hat, Japanese Alan Thicke, and my personal favorite, Grand Meat Guy who gets all kinds of great one-liners during a Batman-esque "crusher" scene. "How 'bout a little oil?" "You're well lubricated." "I'm going to crush your knob off."

Stick around for the credits or you'll miss Jackie Chan singing a wonderful pop song. Actually, go ahead and miss that. Turn this off right before the credits unless you want to find out the name of the Japanese Alan Thicke.

Project A

1983 kung-fu action comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Gaily-dressed Navy guys fight crooked cops and mischievous pirates. Lots of folks wind up concussed.

I love the nods to my man Buster and Harold Lloyd here, and this will be a ton of fun for fans of kung-fu movies and silent comedies. Since I'm a fan of both, it seems like Jackie Chan made this just for me! I will say this--the comedy in this is awfully silly, and almost caused me to drop this another point or two. The plot isn't anything worth talking about either. It's typical Hong Kong martial arts movie nuttiness with more characters than necessary and a lot of extraneous scenes. The latter exist to stuff in more fight scene while the former are on-screen to get kicked in the head or thrown around. Chan takes his lumps as well because he's never an invincible kung-fu action hero. His stunts are as impressive as they usually are, and the fight choreography is completely ludicrous but endlessly entertaining. Chan et al. showcase fast flailing moves and insane bone-crushing stunts. I've never seen so many heads bouncing off floors, dressers, banisters, or whatever other parts of the scenery that are constructed just so heads can bounce off them. As always, Chan's fight choreography uses the setting and its props in excitingly creative and humorous ways. Vibrant and painful stuff. I liked how the camera would linger on stunt men as they writhe and groan after a particularly painful head bounce. A highlight involves a clock tower.

Oh, and for you Sammo Hung completists, he's in this one as a sort of Jackie Chan sidekick.

Ip Man 2

2010 sequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Ip Man moves to Hong Kong after the events of the first movie. He sets up a kung-fu school and eventually draws in a few students, but he meets resistance from the other martial arts schools in town. Meanwhile, a British thuggish boxer smashes his way into Hong Kong, insults everybody, and

Well, it's not as good as Ip Man. The first half makes a good run at it, setting up an old-school kung-fu conflict with rival martial arts schools dissing each other. It's easy to love just how good the movie looks and Donnie Yen's smooth ferocity and ridiculous speed. And then look--it's the legendary fatso Sammo Hung. When the fight choreographers just allow these guys to kick and punch at each other, things are really really good. A scene where Ip Man meets some students from one of the rival schools in an attempt to fetch one of his students from their clutches contains a lot of thrills and excitement, and Yen uses props in a way that would make Jackie Chan proud. Then, during a scene where Ip Man battles a few kung-fu masters, including the aforementioned Hung, on a wobbling table, they suddenly decide to lean back on some special effects that make the fighters look a little cartoonish. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained by the whole thing, but it was a little goofy and killed the realistic feel that a biopic like this should have. After all that is almost settled, the movie shifts gears again and turns into Rocky IV. Or whatever Rocky movie has the big mean Russian guy in it. Then, you get a guy named Darren Shahlavi chawing down on the scenery as British boxing stud Twister. He's a weirdly arrogant villain, but the ensuing fights between him and the kung-fu guys never make any sense to me. Let's see--Twister's powerful but boxing-gloved punches vs. a guy who is using his bare hands and feet? I don't care how ripped the guy is, isn't who should win the fight kind of a no-brainer? Yeah, yeah. I get it. It's all sort of symbolic anyway. There wasn't really a moment during this movie where I didn't want to be watching it, but it's definitely kind of a let-down following the great first movie.

There's an appearance by a famous guy at the tail end of this movie. I wonder if he'll be a character in the third Ip Man movie.

Fantasy Mission Force

1982 action movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: It's World War II, and the Japanese, while attempting to take over the world, have already captured the leaders of France, Germany, England, and America. The latter, it should be mentioned, is Abraham Lincoln. Officials get together to find somebody who can save them and decide that Lieutenant Don Wen is their man. Rejected heroes: "Snake" Plissken, James Bond (the Roger Moore one, if you care), and Rocky Balboa who is not suitable for military action. Wen assembles a ragtag crew to save the world.

Lots of weirdness here with varying degrees of entertainment value. First, if you really need a coherent plot with your action movies, you've just got to avoid this one. It's episodic, and none of the individual episodes really go together in a way that makes sense. Not only that, the individual scenes don't really make much sense on their own. Not to say that this doesn't entertain because bits and pieces of it manage to do just that. You get a musical number, some Benny Hill speeded-up weirdness, a bunch of masked flying Amazon women wielding ribbons, Jackie Chan fighting while holding a chicken, some hopping zombie things, disembodied hands and ghost women in a haunted house, and some Nazi Japanese riding on hoopties that look like they're straight out of a post-apocalyptic action flick. I expected Mel Gibson to waltz in and demand gasoline or something. Almost all of the humor in this falls completely flat, and the characters aren't really interesting at all. Except one: Brigitte Lin's (Bride with White Hair) great as Lily, all in leather and thigh-high boots, winning drinking contests like Indiana Jones' girlfriend and waxing acrobatically. She's fun to watch, as is a fight sequence with Jackie Chan (not really the star of this, by the way) at the end. Ultimately, this one is just too confusing and goofy to be completely entertaining. I'm also pretty positive that this isn't really all that historically accurate either.

Enter the Dragon

1973 kung-fu spy movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Bruce Lee's recruited to participate in a martial arts tournament on an island to check out what's really going on there with Han, an alleged criminal with an array of fake hands. He meets some new friends and kicks some ass.

Less a traditional chop-suey flick than a James Bond-esque excursion with Bruce's pectoral and abdomen muscles replacing 007's gimmicks. This movie actually doesn't need a plot; it's all about Bruce Lee's presence. Whenever Lee's on the screen in this, it's impossible to take your eyes off him. You don't even want to blink. He's just so quick and so powerful, and his every gesture is like a work of art. Lee's the focus of Enter the Dragon, and he fills the screen, always right in the center. And I'm not a homosexual or anything, but what a physical specimen this guy was. Enter the Dragon takes a while to build with all this plot stuff and character development getting in the way, but it's all undeniably cool. You get a cool cast with Chinese Hercules himself Bolo Yeung, a different kind of physical specimen but always fun to see; Robert Wall, one of the seventh funkiest white men to ever live; super-suave John Saxon; cooler-than-cool black samurai Jim Kelly; and the nearly-recognizable Kien Shih/Shih Kien with all those "hand" weapons including, I think, a rake attachment. How cool would a Han action figure be, by the way? One Han gripe: He swipes at Bruce Lee pretty well and scratches him up a bit, the only character in the movie to really do any damage to the hero. There's one scene where he sneaks up behind him and cat-scratches him. Why didn't he just stab him there? Once the action in this one gets going, it's a lot of fun watching Bruce Lee slink around, but the real excitement comes in the thrilling final twenty-five minutes, building to a Lady of Shanghai-like hall of mirrors sequence which would have caused me to cream my jeans if I hadn't just seen him doing his nunchaku thang a few minutes earlier and already shot my wad. And if I even owned a pair of jeans to cream. Some early philosophical mumbo-jumbo doesn't distract from the central message of Enter the Dragon: Bruce Lee is a total badass.