Santa with Muscles

1996 Christmas comedy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: A millionaire is chased by police after some wild driving while on his way to some paintball shenanigans. He hides out in a shopping mall and puts on a Santa Claus outfit to elude the po-po, but an accident knocks him out and gives him amnesia so that he actually believes he's Santa Claus. A shady character named Lenny tries to take advantage of them, and the duo try to save an orphanage from evil scientists.

I wanted to give this a try to see if there's a worse Christmas movie than Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzennegar's big F-U to Christmas. The best thing I can probably say about this one (and that one) is that it's not as offensive to Christmas as a Santa Claus who molests children would be. But it's closer than you'd think. I'm trying to decide who you'd have to consider dumber--screenwriters Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, and Dorrie Krum Raymond who have a grand total of zero other writing credits to their names because they were more than likely blacklisted after this came out or the characters they create. The characters are all pretty stupid, so that's also closer than you might think. Now, if I had blog readers, one of them would argue with me that this is completely harmless. On the contrary, this movie is so dumb that watching it could give a person brain damage. Not only that, I think I now hate Christmas because of this movie. I also hate professional wrestling, magic crystals, orphans, bodybuilding supplements, paintball, SUV's, science, Mila Kunis, and puns. Oh, and Christmas. What? I already typed that? See, that's probably an effect of watching this movie. I would wonder if Hulk Hogan's terrible performance, one that is really one of the worst you'll ever see, was the result of him watching this movie, but I can't think of how that would be possible and my head hurts just thinking about it. He's so bad here when he's not beating up scientists, but in his defense, the script doesn't help him out much. There's one great scene after the bad guys are defeated (oh, c'mon--like you were A) going to watch this, B) get to this part of the movie, and C) not know how it was going to end) and the Hulkster says something about how one of the bad guys needs to go defrost himself and then laughs. It's a thing of beauty, ladies and gentlemen. I've not really experienced the magic that is Hulk Hogan outside his early wrestling career, another movie or two, and a terrible venture into rock 'n' roll that I happen to own on cassette.

That album, by the way, makes Randy "The Macho Man" Savage's rap music album seem as good as Abbey Road. Oh hell, who am I kidding? The Macho Man's rap album is gold anyway. But I digress. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember how I was going to follow the "I've not really experienced the magic that is Hulk Hogan" idea that I started above. I'm distracted by wondering if it's really fair to have one movie that has both Hulk Hogan and Clint Howard in it. This one does, and that just doesn't seem right to other movie makers. Can't you just imagine a film producer saying the following:

"What? Cabin Fever Entertainment, distributor of Silence of the Hams, is releasing a movie with Hulk Hogan and Clint Howard? And Hulk Hogan has hair? And Clint Howard is playing a cop? That's it, everybody. Wrap it up. We're giving up here."

I just read that the original author of this gem sued to have his name removed, supposedly because the story had been changed so much. But really, anybody who sees this is going to know the real reason.

This and Jingle All the Way double feature! I want to meet the man who can stomach that onslaught.

The Junky's Christmas

1993 stop-animated Christmas classic

Rating: n/r

Plot: A drug addict desperately looks for a fix during the holiday season.

William S. Burroughs wrote this little story which can be found in his book Interzone, and his performance with the Disposable Heroes of Hipocrisy can be heard on the 1993 album Spare Ass Annie and Other Tales. Burroughs is my favorite beat writer, and I'm not sure why this--one of his more coherent tales--hasn't become required viewing for families in December just like the boring stop-animated Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or How Charlie Brown Stole Christmas. This is a far more spiritual story. The animation is pretty good. The characters sort of walk like Muppets, that clunky high-foot-lifting walk. I like when claymators use a variety of facial expressions, and the human characters in this--four of 'em, I think--have great faces. Mostly, it's the soothing tones of Uncle Bill Burrough's voice that does it for me. The music is a little distracting in some parts, but for me, it's impossible to listen to Burroughs read anything and not enjoy myself. You can find this online if you're interested. It's a little under 25 minutes long. Burroughs, by the way, is in scenes bookending the animated story. Watching him slice a turkey is almost as good as hearing him read.

Home Alone

1990 slapstick comedy

Rating: 13/20 (Jen: 15/20; Dylan: 11/20; Emma: 15/20; Abbey: 19/20)

Plot: Some really bad parents leave their 8-year-old home alone and fly to France for the holidays. A pair of burglars try to rob his house but are in for more than they bargain for!

Macaulay Culkin is really likable during a lot of scenes in this movie. Well, maybe during a couple scenes. Unfortunately, he's really annoying during the rest of the scenes. The spoiled-brat bad behavior stuff before he's left home alone makes me almost want to root for the burglars, and the barrage of screaming, celebrating, and cutesiness gets painful after a while. Compare Culkin to Peter Billingsley in the far-superior A Christmas Story. Billingsley, or maybe Bob Clark who directed him, understands subtlety. Culkin, although he was younger and already hooked on heroin when this was filmed, doesn't. So even though it's always funny to see Joe Pesci with the top of his head on fire or Daniel Stern getting hit in the groin, there are a lot of scenes in this where it feels like you're the one getting a blow torch to the scalp or a shot to the groin. And getting punched in the groin three times just to see somebody else punched in the groin once just isn't worth it although I think I just invented a new game show. When you see this movie a second or third or fourth or fifth time, you really feel like you're wading through a bunch of crap to get to the cool booby trap scenes at the end. Once there, you realize that they're not nearly as funny as you remember them and have nothing better to do but focus on how the scenes with Roberts Blossom (the old guy) and his shovel didn't really need to be here. Sappiness drenches this thing by the end with that father/son reunion, the mother coming back home, and all the other relatives coming back home at just the right Hollywood time.

My new favorite thing about this movie is that there are apparently people who believe Elvis makes a cameo. Of course, the King had been dead for about fourteen years, but that doesn't stop people from thinking the extra standing behind Catherine O'Hara is him:

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

1989 Christmas comedy

Rating: 14/20 (Jen: 14/20; Dylan: 13/20; Emma: 8/20; Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: Clark Griswold has family over for the holidays and tries his best to give them the perfect Christmas. Meanwhile, he awaits his Christmas bonus check so that he can feel more comfortable about the deposit he put on a backyard pool. Things unravel slapstickily.

This was never one of my favorites though I've seen it countless times. Like the superior A Christmas Story, there's a very thin plot that's really only there to hold together the series of gags. I'm not sure any of those gags--the Christmas lights, the recurring snooty neighbor torture, the electrocuted cat, the attic imprisonment, the Christmas feast, etc.--are all that great, but they add up to something that will make most people laugh a few times around Christmas time. I'm not sure that Chevy Chase was ever as likable as he was as Clark Griswold. That's not to say he was all that likable though. Things threaten to get stale early on in this one, but Randy Quaid swoops in to save the day and steals pretty much every scene he's in. And then there's the very best thing about Christmas Vacation--the great William Hickey as Uncle Lewis. He and Aunt Bethany bring this thing to life again after it starts to lose steam again. All in all, this isn't a bad comedy to spend Christmas with if you can only tolerate a little irrelevancy and typically enjoy that characters-stepping-on-boards-and-hitting-themselves-in-the-face-and/or-testicles style of humor.

A Christmas Story

1983 Christmas movie

Rating: 17/20 (Jen: 15/20; Becky: 18/20; Dylan: 12/20; Emma: 13/10; Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: Ralphie wants a B.B. gun, but his parents, his teacher, and a department store Santa Claus all tell him that he'll shoot his eye out with it. Meanwhile, his father wins a major award.

This nearly plotless series of memories that almost-but-not-quite feels like you're watching somebody else's home movies has really grown on me through the years. I laugh more now than I ever did when I watched this as a kid or a younger adult. I appreciate nostalgia a lot more these days, even if it's not anything I can personally connect with because it's before my time. Perhaps it's just the mention of Terre Haute, Indiana, that works for me. Whatever it is, this movie almost gets funnier the more you see it, and it's rewatchability is great. Actually, I'm surprised that some cable channel hasn't decided to play a 24-hour marathon of this movie every Christmas. This is already on the blog somewhere. Actually, I just looked and it's on the blog 2 1/2 times, and I've bumped it up a point every time.

I've seen A Christmas Story memorabilia around lately--replica leg lamps, figurines, snowglobes. Honestly, I'm not sure if I've seen a snowglobe or not, but you're not going to fact-check me or anything, so I can probably get away with it. I'm not sure how I feel about people being able to buy leg lamps. Part of the beauty of those scenes is that the lamp is so completely ridiculous. Now that I can see them in people's windows almost taints it. I even saw one in a window right above a nativity scene the other day. Of course, I could be making that up, but again, nobody's going to fact-check.

This was my mother-in-law's first time seeing this movie. Next time she's here in December, I'll show her Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

2010 anti-Christmas movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: During a mysterious archaeological dig on a mountain in Finland, a nearby reindeer hunter accidentally captures an old man who he decides must be Santa Claus. Soon after, the children of the village start going missing.

This is not just my new go-to Christmas movie. It's also going to be my go-to movie when I want to see a bunch of naked old men. I'm sure this movie breaks some kind of record for most old man junk in a Christmas movie. This is a cool little story, very quiet and subdued until an action-packed and explosion-filled denouement. The humor is darkly Scandinavian, dry but warm. Scenes are funny because you're just not sure what else they're supposed to be. For example, there's one beautiful shot in a greenish reindeer-butcherin' room where some men sit and eat gingerbread cookies while Santa is tied up and suspended from the ceiling by a chain. Like a lot of Scandinavian movie makers (I'm going to just keep writing that like I know what I'm talking about), director Jalmari Helander (this is his only feature-length movie, by the way) takes his time getting from point to point, allowing the viewer to soak in all the character and setting details. And there are a lot of setting details to soak in. This is very well filmed; they take advantage of the mountainous background and rural settings. This is far from festive and just about perfect for people like me who don't really care all that much for the holiday season. My only hope is that I didn't give too much away with anything I wrote here.

A Christmas Carol

2009 Christmas horror movie

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 14/20; Dylan: dnf; Emma: dnf; Abbey: too terrified to finish)

Plot: An old guy mixes up his medication again and has a series of fever dreams and hallucinations that end with his obsessing over a crippled little boy. Merry Christmas!

I don't think Robert Zemeckis has a clue who his audience is. This isn't as terrifying as the ultra-creepy Polar Express movie (Shane trivia: That's the only movie that, since I was watching it on a plane, made me wish for a plane crash.) which is odd since this one has a lot of scenes that are supposed to be terrifying. It is scary though, so much that there's no way this would appeal to children. And it's a cartoon, a genre that a lot of adults have no interest in, so it's not really for adults either. So who's the audience for this thing? Speaking of the cartoonishness, I don't care for this kind of animation at all. I don't like the unnatural way the characters move while they have such a realistic look to them. I think it's that clash that makes this feel so cold and stiff and creepy. I did like how the camera moves, and being able to zoom beneath character's legs or through wreaths is almost enough reason for this story to be told yet again. The animated telling of the story allows for some different perspectives at least, and there's a liveliness to this version that only gets old at about the 2/3 mark. Zemeckis does a great job creating an animated London that effectively sets the mood for Scrooge's story, and the ghosts look pretty good. Well, Marley looks ghastly cool. The Ghost of Christmas Past is the wrong kind of creepy, and the Present one looks like it could be a Will Ferrell character. Dug the shadowy final ghost though. Overall, this just seems loud and extraneous, and far from the new Christmas classic I think Zemeckis is trying to make, it's not even one that I'll likely ever revisit again. Unlike Polar Express which I do periodically revisit in my darkest of nightmares.

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas

1977 holiday miracle

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 12/20; Dylan: 20/20; Emma; 14/20; Abbey: 12/20)

Plot: Pa's dead, and Emmet Otter and his mother Emily struggle with odd jobs to make ends meet. When they both hear about a Christmas Eve talent show that pays fifty bucks to the winner, they sacrifice tool chests and washboards in order to capture the prize. A flashy rock band from River Bottom threatens their chances of winning, however. Will Emmet or his mother be able to win the big money? Will they find something more valuable than fifty dollars? Will somebody who uses the slide Pa made injure himself and sue?

My favorite thing about this is how their legs move when they walk. You'd almost think that Jim Henson or somebody would say, "OK, fellows. We tried with this leg thing, but we just can't get this to look right. Oh, well." Maybe they did, but somebody else stepped in and said, "Don't change a thing! Those legs look awesome the way they are!" And that second person, Christian readers, was correct.

This sweet little story was one of my favorites when I was a kid, mostly because I like both puppets and jug-band music. That and Emily Otter is one hot little number. It's probably been close to thirty years since I last saw this, but I could still do a mean air-guitar/vocal version of the River Bottom Nightmare Band song. They're my favorite characters, of course, because they're misbehaving rock 'n' rollers. Chuck with the voice of Cookie Monster, a bass-playing snake, an otter that looks like he could have been one of Fat Albert's buddies, and a fish that is apparently just there for decorative purposes. I'm so glad [SPOILER ALERT] that they won the thing because they freakin' rocked. Being a Muppet production you can expect certain things--quality songs, recognizable voices (if you grew up on Sesame Street), and great and creative puppeteering. This delivers, and if my wife and kids just want to make fun of it the entire time we're watching it, they may wake up on Christmas Day to find that their father has abandoned them.

Christmas Eve Movie Extravaganza!

We watched A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, and A Christmas Story back-to-back-to-back on Christmas Eve.

The Peanuts gang still has the power to, for whatever reason, arouse me sexually. My psychologist has suggested that I don't discuss this with anybody.

It's a Wondeful Life. . .what can I say? I seem to like it a little more each time I see it. It's far from perfect, but it's a touching story with a great message. I'd bump it up a point to a 15/20, but I think I'll bump it up an extra point and call it Cory's Christmas present. So a 16/20 for me, an 18/20 for Jen, an 11/20 for Dylan, a 12/20 for Emma, and a 17/20 for Abbey.

And A Christmas Story: 16/20 for me. Nobody else in my family had previously seen it. Jen: 16/20; Dylan: 12/20; Emma: 12/20; Abbey: 10/20. I think Peter Billingsly's performance is my favorite child acting performance ever. My home town is mentioned in this movie.

Merry Christmas, four-and-a-half readers!

Bad Santa

2003 Christmas movie

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: 14/20)

Plot: Billy Bob and his little buddy Marcus love Christmas. It's all about tradition with those two with Billy Bob dressing as Santa and bringing delight to children at malls while Marcus plays his elf helper. And when the Christmas season is ending, they rob the mall and run off. With each passing year, Billy Bob's drinking and sexual exploits get more and more in the way of the duo's plans. But this season, meeting a chubby kid and a new ho ho ho threaten to change him.

This was the perfect movie to wash Meet Me in St. Louis out of my mouth although I must admit that I'm almost ashamed that I like it. It's just funny to watch Santa Claus piss himself, curse, drink, and nail Lauren Graham. It's almost too easy, and I don't want to give the writers any credit. It'd be like crediting the writers of America's Funniest Home Videos for all those shots of people being hit in the groin. Or crediting zookeepers with monkeys being funny. Still, this is a very funny and often unpredictable movie, and Billy Bob's performance as the titular Santa is award worthy. I also thought John Ritter was hilarious in every one of his scenes, and I liked the kid, apparently named The Kid, played by Brett Kelly. I'm envisioning a mash-up between this and Meet Me in St. Louis actually where The Kid eats Tootie. No, there's nothing really sweet about this movie, and I can't see it putting anybody in the Christmas spirit, but it's a ton of fun. As I've always said, the Christmas season would benefit from more cursing.

Santa Claus

1959 Mexican Santa Claus movie

Rating: 3/20 (Jen: 1/20 [fell asleep]; Emma: 2/20 [fell asleep]; Abbey: 10/20)

Plot: Pretty much your standard Christmas story. It's Christmas Eve and Santa Claus is somewhere in space or heaven overseeing his sweatshop while children from many different cultures help him prepare for his magical flight. Of course, Satan wants to stop him and sends demon Pitch to tempt kids to be naughty and kill Santa. And of course, Santa has to get help from Merlin the magician to survive the night and ensure that the nice children wake up with a living room full of presents. Even the poor little girl who just wants a freakin' doll!

You have to love a Christmas movie that has the ability to punish viewers who fall asleep while watching it with hellish nightmares of holiday demons and laughing reindeer robots. This is bizarre from the get-go. It starts with a seemingly endless scene with Santa playing an organ while showcasing the variety of countries that the jolly old elf has apparently kidnapped children from to work in his sweatshop. For a moment, I thought I was watching a live-action film based on Disney's "It's a Small World," something I'm sure is on the horizon. Each group of children got to sing a little song that sounded like it could have come from the country they represent, and my favorite was when the American children did "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Seriously? That's the song that best represents America? It's not even a Christmas song! The next scene takes the viewer naturally to hell where the "King of Hades" lights a firecracker and leads a poorly-choreographed dance. Then it's back to Santa where we get a chance to see just how he knows if you've been sleeping or if you've been awake or if you've been bad or good. Apparently, he's got a big machine with giant lips, a telescope with an eyeball, and a satellite thing with a human ear attached. The surreal props and goofy sets show some creativity, but it also makes it obvious that the people who made this thing only had a rudimentary understanding of Santa Claus. I mean, there aren't even elves and his four reindeer are clunky robots. Speaking of those robots, at one point one of them laughs (he he he ha he ha ha ha ho he) and it might be the scariest thing I've heard in my entire life. Santa's almost nonstop maniacal laughter (nonstop except when the devil is trying to murder him) isn't much better though. There's just so much about this movie that is so awkward, and a lot about this movie that is downright unsettling. A pair of dream sequences--one with giant dancing dolls and one with a kid who opens up coffin-like presents containing his parents--are just weird, and almost every scene with Pitch gave me the chills. Of course, Pitch was a poorly-costumed red-painted demon, so I guess that was the desired effect. One of the scariest moments was when the little poor girl was having a repetitive conversation with the devil about stealing a doll. She must have said "No, I don't want to do evil" five or six times. The good characters, absent-minded Merlin and a magic-key-making blacksmith, are fun. Merlin's got this weird bouncing gait that makes Torgo's walk look normal, and the blacksmith has some hair glued to his chest to, I guess, make him look more blacksmithy. Nobody's going to mistake this for a Miracle on 34th Street or an It's a Wonderful Life, but this just might be my new favorite Christmas movie. Like those movies, you get to learn beautiful lessons like how "a dream is a wish that the heart makes" or how people on earth eat "even smoke and alcohol." Fun for the whole family unless some of your family members would rather not have Satan anywhere near their Christmas entertainment.

The Ref

1994 Christmas comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A jewel thief's partner leaves him behind during a burglary gone wrong, and he's forced to abduct a bickering married couple on Christmas Eve. As he plans his escape, things get even more complicated with the arrival of their mischievous son and some other relatives. Can Gus the jewel thief escape before the family drives him completely insane?

I thought this was more irritating than funny. I don't really like Denis Leary anyway, probably because of the way he spells his first name rather than anything to do with his talents or personality, and it seems that all the other characters were written to be obnoxious. I couldn't find a single laugh anywhere in this thing, making it just dark instead of a dark comedy. The premise is clever but predictably written, and majority of the dialogue sounds like it was penned for the purpose of showing audiences how witty the writers are instead of creating realistic, complete characters. There's a lot of talent involved, but it's going to be hard for me to like a movie where I don't actually like any of the characters. The actors try very very hard (probably too hard), and each gets a chance to deliver these foul-mouthed diatribes that come across as mean-spirited but seldom funny. It's impossible for even the best funnymen and funnywomen to be funny without material. Oh well. At least there was a recurring urine joke.

Cory, jolly old elf, recommended this one.

Elf

2003 Christmas comedy

Rating: 10/20 (Dylan: 6/20; Emma 2/20; Random Guy Sitting Next to Me on the Plane: 14/20)

Plot: Orphan Buddy, intrigued by Santa's sack, crawls in while the jolly old elf is busying himself under the orphanage Christmas tree and is dashed away to the North Pole. He's adopted by Papa Elf and tries his best to make toys and perform other elf tasks, but it becomes obvious to him, because of his size and lack of elf skills, that he isn't an elf. He decides to travel to New York City and find his real father.

As a displaced-person-trying-comically-to-adapt-to-his-new-surroundings comedy (i.e. Crocodile Dundee, the television series Perfect Strangers, and seemingly anything with Pauly Shore in it), this is an original and humorous idea, and I suppose Will Ferrell is the perfect man to fit those tights. Unfortunately, not much of the actual writing is original. This is as predictable as it gets. I understand that it really has to be--it's a Christmas story and it's got to have a happy ending where the elf man gets the girl, the grouchy guy becomes a better father, and Christmas is saved--but it really makes everything way too light and fluffy. Like all Will Ferrell movies, a handful of the material works and brings, at the very least, a grin while the majority of the jokes and slapstick moments and quotables make you wonder not only why you continue watching the movie but why you even should go on living. The second half of the movie is especially cringe-worthy. You frolic along with Buddy through an exposition, and then it feels like somebody, probably James Caan, has kidnapped you, put you in a sleigh, and crashed through a candy cane forest to hurry toward an action-packed climax. Dizzying! You watch because you want to checkmark your list of predictions and because you're on an airplane and have nothing better to do. At least this wasn't as bad as the worst movie I've seen on an airplane--The Polar Express--which I still suspect was part of some ingenious terrorist attack. The one question I'm left with after watching Elf: Was Bob Newhart embarrassed after his participation in this movie?

Christmas on Mars

2008 psychedelic Christmas movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A space station floats above Mars on Christmas Eve. Things aren't going well on the space station--supplies are running low, morale is low, there's a bit of cabin fever, and the guy hired to dress up as Santa Claus has gone crazy and committed suicide. They take on a guest, a mute alien, and try to avoid catastrophe.

To say this isn't for everybody is an understatement. It'll attract a certain crowd though--people with a good supply of hallucinogens and holiday cheer. I was impressed with the shoestring budget set design. This was made over an eight year period in the backyard of Flaming Lips' frontman Wayne Coyne. It's definitely a case where the creative minds involve manage to overcome the problem of limited finances to put together some visuals that are really cool. A lot of the sets were put together seemingly with dollar store purchases and household appliances. The pacing is very deliberate, the story is freaky, and the effects are trippy-dippy. Shades of Solaris are within, but this reminded me a whole lot of The American Astronaut and Dark Star. With some Eraserhead mixed in. And maybe a pinch of It's a Wonderful Life. Some of this was pretty funny and a lot of this was really pretty, but there was really nothing to latch on to. The acting is also about as bad as acting gets, and the characters don't have enough substance to make them matter. The dialogue is really poorly written, clunky and unnatural. There are definitely way too many words in this; it would have been a lot better if it had as many as 2001. This is a movie that is fun because it doesn't take itself seriously at all while at the same time being a movie that would have benefited from taking itself a little more seriously.

Bonus points awarded for a scene with a marching band that had female genitalia for heads.

A Christmas Story

1983 Christmas comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: In the fictional town of Hohman, Indiana, in the fictional 1940s, little Ralphie waits for Christmas and dreams of Santa Claus bringing him a BB gun even though his parents, his teacher, and even Santa warns him that he'll shoot his eyes out. Meanwhile, he deals with bullies, listens to the radio, watches his parents' passive-aggressive battles concerning a lewd lamp, hangs out with his friends, and curses.

I hadn't seen this in a while and completely forgot that it takes place in Indiana. Is it insanely popular in the rest of America (or, just the middle part of America) or is this strictly a Hoosier thing? I don't think this is uproariously funny, more mildly humorous and nostalgic, but it's quotable, has a couple scenes that could accurately be labeled as holiday movie classics, and is a rare example of a movie with heavy narration that actually works. I really like the goofy kid, played by Peter Billingsley, and I think the rapport between his parents works really well. Nice, subtle period details add to the flavor and make this one fit just like a comfortable shoe. I guess that's why people like it so much.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

1993 animated classic

Rating: 18/20 (Abbey: 15/20; Emma: 12/20; Dylan: 6/20)

Plot: Jack Skellington, the emaciated brains behind the Halloween Town festivities, has grown a little bored with the gruesome decor and traditions of the annual bash. He stumbles upon Christmas Town and is enamored with the bright lights, the pretty packages, and the mystique of Santa Claus. He decides to take the ideas back to his Halloween Town peers and set up his own Christmas. It doesn't work out very well.

I hate the scene where Jack rescues Santa Claus from the Oogy-Boogy man. Other than that, this movie is pitch perfect and might have my vote for best full-length feature film debut. Visually, there's so much to see, especially during the musical numbers. The screen is filled with so many complexly moving figures, and it's hard to imagine the hours that had to be put into the stop animation. Musically, this is Danny Elfman's finest hour. Generally, I could take or leave the music in an animated musical (and, by the way, was glad that Coraline didn't have any) but the songs in this one are indispensable. The instrumental stuff, a lot of it played by a Waitsian accordion-driven street trio, is also really good and goes hand in hand with the visuals to create the mood in this almost fairy tale land. Solid characters, iconic imagery, a bizarre sense of dark humor, and great rewatchability make this a holiday classic.

The Lion in Winter

1968 historical drama

Rating: 17/20

Plot: I'm not great with history. Let me see if I've got this right. Henry VIII or IX has his wife, Queen Katharine, locked in a tower because she was "bitchy," a perfectly valid reason to have a queen locked up in 5th Century B.C. England according to the King Handbook. But it's Christmas time, which in the 5th Century was actually called Christmas tymme and had nothing to do with Santa Claus (not born yet) or Jesus Christ (mangers hadn't been invented yet) but everything to do with elves (not featured in the movie) and festive damnation and giant banquets offering varieties of puddings, and Henry the XII or V is in good enough spirits to invite his wife to a Christmas celebration. They've got a lopsided tree and everything, so it seems the appropriate tymme for the king to announce which of his three sons will sit atop his throne after he shakes off his mortal coils and no longer needs a throne. A gay French guy and Henry III or CXVII's mistress are also invited. They sit around screaming insults at each other and having a terrific time until one of the sons puts his finger (the dirty one) right in the pudding and ruins it for everybody else. Christmas tymme ends.

I really can't remember the last time I enjoyed dialogue this much in a movie. Every single line, it seems, is so crisply written and venomous, and it's just a ton of fun watching O'Toole and Hepburn (as well as the supporting cast) deliver them. It's sometimes difficult for a movie that is so dialogue-driven to engage me for over two hours and historical or period pieces are really not my bag, but this one packs such a saucy punch, that it's almost impossible not to be entertained by what is going on. I really like that this movie tricks you into thinking something big is going to happen, that all the tension and conflict is building to something, and then (spoiler alert), that something really never comes. This has got to be one of the most dysfunctional families in cinematic history, yet they are so much fun to watch and so much fun to root against. I think I rooted against them anyway. I don't know. Maybe I did like them. With all the brilliant writing, by the way, I believe my favorite line is the very simple one spoken by son John that seems to come from a Monty Python movie--"You stink. You're a stinker and you stink!" I might start saying that to my students.

This was a Cory recommendation.