The Human Centipede: First Sequence

2009 entomologists delight

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Two women get lost in the woods after their rental car breaks down, and they wind up drugged by a sadistic doctor who, along with another poor guy, wants to use them to make the titular pet monster. None of the three are too happy about it.

I watched this because it was highly recommended by my brother who claims that it's the third best horror movie of all time. I'm honestly not sure it's a horror movie and laughed (inwardly, because they'll commit you if you laugh out loud at this sort of thing) more than I was scared, sort-of enjoying it almost as a black-psychocomedy. Most of the fun comes from the brilliantly comic performance of German Dieter Laser as Dr. Mengele or whatever his name is. Like a German Christopher Walken, he's got this face that would make most people think, "I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't drink water that this guy offers me." When he's working to cover his tracks, shooting somebody while the victim is pooping, opening a door, lethally injecting somebody with an evil stare that seems like that might be the actual cause of death instead of the injection itself, saying "Bite my boot!", or doing a chicken impression, Laser never fully convinces as creepy exactly but is 100% entertaining. My favorite scene is when he's explaining the impending surgery to the three future sections of his centipede and uses these rudimentary drawings. I also liked that the cinematographer's name was Goof de Kooning. I wish the other actors in this were a little better. They played things straight, screaming and ruining their mascara with copious tears, and although I can't imagine this being any good if they had played it any other way, the performances clashed with the comic tones. This movie wasn't nearly the gross-out fest I feared. It's actually about as tame as a movie with people's mouths being surgically attached to people's anuses can be, I think. I wouldn't call this the third best horror movie ever and I'm not going to rush out and see what will inevitably turn out to be eight or nine sequels, but I'm not totally disappointed that I watched this.

Seriously. Goof de Kooning.

Anybody want to go trick or treating with me dressed as the Human Centipede?

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: A Perfect Getaway

2009 movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A couple on their honeymoon in Hawaii discover that a pair of killers are on the loose. Oh, snap! And oh, double snap! They realize that the couple they are hiking with might be them!

Note: Zooey Deschanel is not in this movie after all. Apparently, I get her and Milla Jovovich confused.

I've seen this movie twice in two weeks because the second time, there was nothing on except some reminders about how bad my fantasy football teams were doing and reruns of Married with Children. It's worth watching twice for the single best line/delivery that (hyperbole alert!) I've ever heard: Steve Zahn's (Cliff's) "I haven't seen any goats!" It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Gene Siskel and I couldn't stop nudging each other after this movie was over and repeating that line. Nudge nudge, a widening of the eyes, and a whining "I haven't seen any goats!" It's the sort of delivery that can make Steve Zahn the greatest actor ever in your eyes. Speaking of greatest actor ever, Timmy Olyphant--a guy who's got my vote for actor with the goofiest last name--makes a reference to Nicolas Cage and how he gets all intense at the end of a line. There's a lot of halfassed meta-gags in this, and it eventually erupts into nothing more than scene after scene of characters stabbing each other and then pulling knives out of themselves. But for a B-movie, this really isn't all that bad. There's the kind of big twist that the kids all love. The second time I watched this movie, I saw it coming the entire time. The first time though? I'm not sure if it was because I'm stupid or because the movie broke a few of the unwritten rules of cinematic plot twists, but it was nearly chilling and entirely surprising to me. I guess. I don't know. A lot of the on-location shots of Hawaii were easy on the eyes, and so was Kiele Sanchez who is just naked enough in one scene while lying facedown on a raft to get the "partial nudity" tag in the parental warnings. Anyway, I really can't wait to watch this movie a third time!

Note: This breaks my record for most movies watched in a row that I thought Zooey Deschanel was in but she actually wasn't. At least on the Urine Couch.

Ringu

1998 Japanese horror movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Japanese teenagers trying to rent Jigoku from their local video store are accidentally given a copy of Japanese remake of Jingle All the Way with Japan's versions of Sinbad and Arnold Swarzeneggar. They quickly learn their mistake but feel drawn to the video and watch the entire movie. One of them had already seen the American original Jingle All the Way and kept pompously talking about how the Japanese remake isn't nearly as good. The phone rings, and a week later, they all die.

I was really disappointed to discover that this movie doesn't have a single Hobbit in it.

This doesn't have the glitz and glam of the remake with Naomi Watts. I actually think that works to make the story eerier. The menacing soundtrack and scratchy sound effects add to the experience. Ringu (and The Ring) has one of those movie moments that will forever be famous; the problem is that you can't watch it for the first time twice. It doesn't take away from the power of the scene or anything, but it's a bit watered down by appearing in two different versions of the story and being spoofed in one of those Scary Movies. It's been a while since I saw the remake, a movie I also liked, but this one seems quieter, more reflective, relying more on characterization and setting a realistic sinister mood than on traditional movie scare tactics. I think I prefer the video in the Hollywood remake, but the one in the Japanese version is sufficiently creepy. And watching either one of them over and over for an hour and a half would be better than watching Jingle All the Way once. But seriously. No Hobbits? That's a little misleading.

Wait until Dark

1967 Helen Keller biopic

Rating: 13/20 (Jen: 12/20)

Plot: The Three Stooges look for a doll stuffed with packets of heroin in a blind woman's apartment.
They concoct a really complex plan

Other than a couple nifty suspense scenes, including a suffocating and intense climax which has the second best use of a refrigerator I've seen in a movie during the last couple weeks, there's not much to see here. The story's ludicrous, that aforementioned plan involving numerous telephone calls, costumes (seriously, why are costumes necessary to fool a blind woman?), signals, and a van making no sense for a criminal who apparently doesn't have problems resorting to brute violence. And why do they need to mess with the blinds in the apartment to signal to their cohorts in the van? Wouldn't a flick of the lights (you know, since the woman is blind) work well enough? Plot holes galore, plot holes big enough that Audrey Hepburn's blind character could probably see them. Speaking of Audrey, I really didn't think she was right for this role. The cutesiness didn't seem to fit her right here, and she was really awkward when interacting with the terrible child actor. Alan Arkin's character is more interesting, but there's just something unnatural about the performance, like he's working too hard at being cold and calculating. There's entertainment value here, but most of what happens here is stuff that can only happen in a movie, like it had it's very own Wait until Dark logic. It really hurt my chances to completely enjoy the movie although the suspenseful moments were really well done.

Recommended by Cory.

Spoorloos

1988 psychological thriller

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Two lovebirds, Rex and Saskia, are on holiday in France to do some cycling and bickering. While at a gas station, Saskia is abducted by a sociopath professor. Rex obsesses for the next three years, eventually getting the attention of Raymond, the abductor. They meet, and Raymond promises Rex that he'll give him the details of what happened to his girlfriend if he travels to France with him.

It took me a while for me to understand what's good about this. The music sickened me, and visually, it resembled something produced cheaply for television. Saskia blah-blah-blahed about some dumb dream, and they got gas several times. I had gas, too. I was beginning to lose my patience, wondering if this would remain as exciting as a road trip with people you don't necessarily like to talk to. Gradually, however, this got its hooks in me, and I was drawn into the mystery of the story and the passions/obsessions of both Rex and Raymond. And when Raymond begins detailing for Rex, I was completely captivated. It's impossible not to share Rex's plight from the moment he meets Raymond until the end of the movie. I got used to the bad music and 80s look of the movie. What was more difficult to get used to was the genuine feeling of unease Spoorloos gives you.

American Psycho

2000 satirical shocker

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Patrick Bateman, a Wall Street big shot, enjoys a luxurious lifestyle, sipping rich people things, living it up in rich people places, and enjoying pretentious conversations with his big shot buddies. His nights, however, are filled with sexual depravity and murderous excursions. It's the American dream!

OK, I'm willing to admit that there's a possible Christian Bale bias at play here. He's not actually my problem with this movie though. I just don't think it adds up to anything. As a black comedy, a lot of the over-the-top dialogue and plastic imagery in the first quarter of the film works pretty well. Gradually though, it just feels like somebody's tried to beat an idea into my head. The violence becomes distracting, the sex becomes even more distracting, and after the first twenty minutes when the movie's already shot its wad, there's no place for this to go. It's the type of movie with a nasty habit, a need to continually remind you how mischievously clever it is, a movie with a too-wide grin and hands perpetually rubbing together, a movie that can't stop patting itself on the back. It's also a movie that insults the intelligence of its audience, the type of ultra-modern film that substitutes thoughtfulness and depth for this really glossy provocation. That's why I didn't like American Psycho. Or maybe it's just Christian Bale.

Duel

1971 television movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A guy with a red car is terrorized by a truck driver in a scary-looking truck.

Steven Spielberg's first feature-length film (released in theaters about a decade later after being shown on television) is a pretty dang good psychological thriller with some deft camera work, a haunting score, and a building sense of realistic tension. The truck, since Spielberg wisely never shows much of the human behind the wheel, becomes the antagonist, and like all good thrillers, it (unexpectedly) is a great, menacing one. As weird as it sounds, the truck's performance is very good, and I'm sure that the truck could have gone on to have a very good career in acting if not for the typecasting and the addiction to heroin. There's a point in the movie where the whole big rig vs. Dennis Weaver conflict becomes a bit too silly, but the movie's just the right length and never drives into overly-precious territory. I wish I would have had Convoy ready to pop in as part of a double feature after this one. Or Maximum Overdrive!

Funny Games

2007 remake

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A family of three make the drive up to their lakeside property for some relaxation. A soft-spoken young man in golf gloves comes over to borrow eggs. He drops them. She gives him more eggs. The dog scares him, and he drops them. He and his friend then terrorize the family with an unwanted game night.

I was worried about this one, but it seems to be a scene-by-scene remake of the original, also directed by Mr. Haneke. I probably prefer that original just because I don't recognize any of the actors. I'm still not completely sure what I think of this movie. It's a challenging couple hours for sure, maybe a little gimmicky. It's also quietly suspenseful with fine acting and interesting direction, especially in a long extended shot around the middle point of the movie. I'm a sucker for those. A terrifying experience with some scenes that still shock but nothing really new if you've seen the original foreign-language version. Well, other than Naomi Watts in underpants.

No Way to Treat a Lady

1968 comedy thriller

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A master-of-disguise named Gill develops a hobby involving costumes and strangulation. He's pleased that his exploits move from tiny blurbs buried in the newspapers to front page stuff and begins to get cocky, calling up the lead investigator in his case and making things personal. The lead investigator works on the case and his love life.

I usually like these cat-and-mouse detective movies. This one reminds me most of In the Line of Fire with Eastwood and Malcovich, especially with the telephone calls and the show-off acting in the villain roles. There was some clever writing. Steiger's all over the place, chewin' scenes and spittin' 'em out, but it's a lot of fun watching him. The love story part of this gets predictable, the story gets a bit too wacky, and the movie hasn't aged very well (although it does feel more like a 70's movie than a 1968 one), but it was definitely worth watching.

Note: When I first added the "gratuitous midget" label, I figured I'd have 10-20. It's ridiculous how many midgets I've seen in movies this year. I'm not even actively seeking these out.

The Desperate Hours

1955 drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Three cons--a smart mean one, a a thuggish stupid one, and a nice quiet one--escape from prison in none-other than Terre Haute, Indiana. I was born there, but not in the prison. They make their way to Indianapolis/Broad Ripple (I live near there!) and visit the home of the Cleavers soon after Wally's sex-change operation. They weren't invited, but luckily, there's enough chicken in the fridge for everybody. While waiting for a shipment of money from his woman in Pittsburgh (I've never been there!), Griffin and his two cohorts say mean and threatening things and quickly wear out their welcome. Waving guns around will do that. It looks bad for the Cleavers as they struggle with whether action or inaction is the best move. There seems to be no way out. Oh, snap!

Good flick with terrific mounting tension (so many loose ends add to it--the boyfriend, the cops, the girlfriend's traffic violations, the dumb little kid, the conflicts between the criminals, the trash man's arrival) and great acting. Really, even the brat isn't all that bad even though I couldn't get past my initial "Hey! That's Beaver Cleaver!" thoughts. Like a lot of 40's/50's thrillers, you know pretty much what's going to happen, but it's the stuff that goes out of the range of that pretty much that moves this from the pedestrian to the pretty great. Also impressive is the very realistic range of human emotions on display here. There might be moments where the characters are acting like movie heroes, but it's always due to their vulnerability and faults rather than the whims of a Hollywood screenwriter. I like Bogart here, and he gets some good lines. He does hold a gun like an old man though.

This was a Cory recommendation.

The Face of Another

1966 Japanese drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Mr. Okuyama has been left with a badly disfigured face following an accident of some kind at his work place. Oh, snap! He feels a weighty loneliness, and his wife, although she claims none of her feelings have changed, refuses his sexual advances. He gets a psychiatrist to make him a very realistic mask so that he can once again be part of society and hopefully seduce his wife. The results are depressing as the mask seems to alter his psyche. To add to the fun, there's a parallel storyline involving a badly-scarred woman who seduces her brother and then kills herself. And the laughs just keep on coming!

This is something I'm going to have to see again. It moves slowly, but the imagery is strikingly horrific and surreal. Attention grabbed, you've still got to wade through a lot of philosophical/psychological dialogue, and I'm not sure if it was a language thing or just the fact that my mind is very small, but I got lost a few times. Intriguing themes--identity, different kinds of masks, freedom. It's like I fell into the existential deep-end but forgot my arm floaties. This is another Hiroshi Teshigahara film, and like Woman of the Dunes, one of the best movies I've seen this year, this has a unique style and completely breathtaking visuals. But it's heavy and it's ponderous, and therefore definitely not for everybody.

13 Tzameti

2005 drama

Rating: 15/20

Plot: 22-year-old Sebastian, a roofer who owns at least two ladders, finds himself in a financial bind after the owner of the house he's working on dies without paying him a dime. Oh, snap! He accidentally intercepts mail containing an invitation, and the promise of money lures him to take the old man's place. What he stumbles upon is darker and more sinister than he could have possibly imagined.

Don't want to give away too much about this one just in case my reader(s) (Ah, who am I kidding? "Reader" is pretty safe.) decides to check it out. Suffice it to say, this is an extremely moody film packed with crisp tension, impressive acting (especially from the lead), and some very clever and seemingly effortless direction. Stark black and white photography adds to the bleak. Taken as an allegory, this is mighty dour shiznit, pure delightful pessimism, almost like a rabbit punch to the soul. Taken as mindless entertainment, it's still gripping stuff even if you know exactly where it's probably going because you know exactly where it can't go. Like Kafka writing a noir screenplay.

The director (Gela Babluani) is apparently working on an American remake. Brad "Sock It to Me" Pitt is somehow involved. Good night moon!

The Wicker Man

2006 atrocity

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Nicolas Cage plays a cop who decides to go to a private island to investigate the disappearance of his ex-fiance's daughter. Once there, he gets sidetracked while joining in on the female islanders' fun games--Hide the Beaver, Smear the Queer, Hide and Seek with Masks, Monkeyman Monkeyman What Do You Smell?, Combustathon, Is You Damp Yet?, Break a Leg, Downhill Bicycle Death Race 2000, Catch the Raven, Grope the Raven, Raving Groper, Bee Gauntlet, Wet Suit and Tie Racing, Hey Aren't You Keanu Reeves?, Crack It!, Who's in the Bear Suit?, Which Box Has the Dead Girl in It?, and Cream Dreamer. During an impromptu free-for-all face-making contest, Nicolas Cage feels that he's being cheated, punches a few women, and injures his leg. In the end, he realizes (sadly, too late) that the promise of "all the honey [he] can eat" was just a bunch of talk. He punches another woman, karate chops at another, and yells "Bitches!" before (here's the shocking twist ending not seen in theaters--spoiler alert!) pouting to death.

If it wasn't for that religious high school football movie I had to watch at school earlier this year, this would be the worst movie I've seen in a very long time. I'm still not totally convinced that this wasn't a comedy. It's the most I've laughed while watching a movie in a while. Nicolas Cage is America's worst actor, and he delivers some poorly written lines ("Step away from the bicycle!", "God. . .damn it!", "How did it get burned?! How did it get burned?! How did it get burned?!?!", "Owwwwwww! My legs! Owwwwww!", "No, not the bees!") like the real pro-fessional bad actor that he is. When he's not doing that, he's just running aimlessly around the island looking befuddled. The original 1973 film is terrific, and a lot of its greatness is its layers and in the way it creates mystery, tension, and thrills. This remake substitutes the subtlety of the original for one-note attempts to shock the viewer into having the same responses. The only response from me was violent giggling though. The story's essentially the same (although at first I didn't think this was going to resemble the original at all), but nothing about it is as good; in fact, it pretty much seems to have been made just to piss all over the original. Ordinary music (that guy who did the Twin Peaks music. . . I did catch a musical reference to the original soundtrack though), wooden acting (no pun intended!), abysmal dialogue, no style whatsoever. Nearly blasphemous! This was inexplicably dedicated to Johnny Ramone, and it's a good thing he's dead. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd be offended to have his name anywhere near this piece of crap.

However, having said all that, this is something everybody should see. It's freakin' hilarious! Highly recommended!

Here I am enjoying The Wicker Man:

Clean, Shaven

1993 psycho drama


Rating: 13/20



Plot: Just dismissed from the institution, a schizophrenic man begins a search for his daughter, unaware that his mother has just given her up for adoption. In hot pursuit is a detective who believes the schizophrenic is a murderer.



A disturbing and difficult-to-watch movie. Following Shock Corridor, this was a lot more realistic in its portrayal of mental disorder; jumpiness, weirdo sound effects, weirdo visual effects, and attention to minute details pull the viewer right into the world of the schizophrenic. Unfortunately, after about twenty minutes, the oddness wears off and the whole thing seems gimmicky and flimsy. The use of shock imagery grew equally tiresome although I'll have to admit that a scene involving the removal of a fingernail was extraordinarily difficult for me to watch. Ultimately, the experimentation made things interesting but the characters and plot were too much like a typical, grittier episode of Law and Order.



Unclean and unshaven:

Cache (Hidden)

2005 psychological thriller

Rating: 15?/20

Plot: Georges and Anne are an upper-class couple living somewhere in France. They have a teenage son named Pierrot and lots of books. Georges hosts a book-related public television talk show, and his wife goes around doing whatever she does. Everything's copacetic. That is, until the couple starts receiving anonymous video tapes showing hours of surveillance at their home. As they contemplate who could possibly be sending these tapes, later accompanied with childish but violent drawings, details about their secret past and present emerge and put a strain on their relationships.

Not real sure about the 15/20 rating above with this one. It's one that requires multiple viewings. I've only seen one other Michael Haneke movie (Funny Games), but it seems like he's a director who isn't making movies so much as he is just dicking around with his audience. This is a movie clearly not made for American audiences. There's nothing easy about it, and it's compiled from scene after scene in which next-to-nothing happens. Several times, I wondered if I had accidentally hit the pause button. But it's complete genius how Haneke is able to create so much tension and suspense while this next-to-nothing is going on. There's also no music at all in this, and long bits of dialogue that don't seem to matter but that you are forced to listen to (actually, I had to read them) in search for clues. Frustrating viewing, but I thought it was worth the investment. Something about the direction compels you to lean toward the screen and look at every single scene more closely than you normally would. (In fact, I had to rewind and watch the last scene again to see exactly what I missed the first time.) There's a historical context (a French black eye that has something to do with mistreating Algerians) that I have absolutely no background on, and I wonder if I'm missing something a little deeper. Actually, I know there's more beneath the surface of this one although it's still an engrossing look at the affect of guilt on people's lives.

Here I am watching:

Eyes Wide Shut

1999 drama

Rating: 37/20

Plot: A well-known scientologists attempts to convince the world that he is not a homosexual. Everybody ends up naked. Masks are worn. Furniture is abused.

Ok. First off, I have to make it clear that this one doesn't actually count toward the 365. The host of a weekly poker game inexplicably put it on while we played, and even though I was facing the right direction and watched quite a bit of it between hands, it didn't have enough of my attention to really give it a fair rating. It's as mysterious and creepy and sensual and audacious and beautifully shot as I remember it. It also still seems unfinished though, like Kubrick never got a chance to edit the thing. When I saw this the first time, it was a little before I had started obsessively rating movies. I'll have to watch it within the next couple years to give it a number. Or maybe six or seven times.

Special note: This is a weird movie for me to sort of watch with a bunch of guys. All my attempts to discuss the cinematic value of Eyes Wide Shut were met with comments like "Nicole Kidman's got a nice tail" and "Look at him pound that one". To be completely honest, however, that guy was really pounding that one.

There is not a picture of me watching this artsy-fartsy parade of flesh.

The Collector

1965 psychological thriller

Rating: 13/20

Plot: General Zod, a butterfly-collecting outsider, wins a sizable chunk of change and decides to buy a large house out in the country, the main reason is that it's got a nice little cellar thing in which he can lock kidnapped women. He kidnaps a pretty art student and tries desperately to make her fall in love with him.

Read an interesting bit of trivia--this movie's ending was apparently not the kind of ending that was allowed by censors in 1965, but the reviewer, a newlywed, actually fell asleep and didn't finish watching the movie. The ending is pretty good, too, and a more Hollywood ending (of which I can think of at least three), would have made it a far inferior movie. The acting, I thought, was a little spotty, and the music was oppressive, but the story went at a Hitchcockian pace and managed to keep me interested with, for the most part, only two actors and a single setting. That single setting (also reminding me of Hitchcock in more ways than one), however, was a real find--lots of beams and bricks and curves and creaks that would have made it nearly impossible to not make pretty while filming. I didn't always believe what was going on, and I really would have liked to see a nude scene even though a nude scene would have created a contradiction with the title character's mindset. The development of that character's mental flaws was very good and almost real.

Here I am watching The Collector and wondering if I'll ever be able to fulfill my fantasy of kidnapping a pretty art student:

Peeping Tom

1960 psychological thriller

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A psychologically-damaged serial-killing voyeur films the fear of the women he kills with his portable camera/weapon. As he lurks around acting all creepy, his weird-looking downstairs neighbor becomes interested in him and his work. A blind woman says some perplexing things.

The ideas and images in Peeping Tom ruined director Michael Powell's career. Critics blasted it as "perverted nonsense, "frankly beastly," and as "the sickest and filthiest film [the critic] can remember seeing." One critic wrote, "The only really satisfactory way to dispose of Peeing Tom would be to shovel it up and flush it down the nearest sewer. Even then the stench would remain." I haven't seen a film hated that much since that Tom Green movie where he swings a baby by the umbilical cord and diddles a horse's genitals. I remember that artistic masterpiece getting similar reviews.

This one dug into ideas about voyeurism and the role of the audience in horror/thriller movies, and although it wasn't terribly realistic or even close to flawless, it did manage to create tension and suspense and mood without showing any violence at all. Textured, colorful, and visually interesting, this just seems thematically and stylistically ahead of its time. I do question the decision to cut the scene featuring the protagonist admiring and filming an ejaculating elephant, but what do I know...

Here I am watching the first part of Peeping Tom after waking up on the 1st (had to finish it on the 2nd):