Little Man -- "Man" movie #137

2006 comedy

Rating: 4/20 (Jen watched nearly the entire movie but said "Nuh uh" when I asked for her rating. I think she might have really enjoyed it!)

Plot: Calvin is a diminutive con recently released from the big house. His brother (I forgot his name but he's played by Tracy Morgan so his character's name is probably something like Tracy Corbin) picks him up, and they're immediately up to no good, stealing big ass diamonds and rapping. The diamond somehow winds up in the possession of Mr. and Mrs. Edwards, and Calvin has to pretend to be a baby in order to get it back. And yes, it's just as stupid as it sounds. I can't figure out Jen liked it so much!

The bottom of the barrel seems like a good enough place to stop. Who knows what the hell you'll find if you managed to break through the bottom of the barrel and start tunneling through the earth. I suppose Jingle All the Way and Clifford with Martin Short and Charles Grodin is down there somewhere, worms maneuvering through the vacant eye sockets. The body of E.T. might be in the late stages of decomposition too, but only because some punk kid stole him, threw him in the back of a pick-up truck, kicked him around in an improvised soccer-like game played without goals and with more tackling, and then dumped him in close proximity to the barrel. The creepy Polar Express is down there, hopefully without a grave marker so nobody will ever find it again. But I definitely don't want to go beyond the bottom of the barrel, so we're stopping this "Man" movie experience at movie one hundred and thirty-seven, what I believe to be blog post (actual movie post and not any of that other perverted nonsense) number one thousand. I am 100% convinced that I now own the record for watching the most movies in a row with "man" in the title, but I'm also 100% that there will only be four and a half people, my faithful readers, who will ever know about it. I've wondered many times about how tedious this might be for my faithful readers and nearly abandoned the "man" movies to watch something like Space Balls or How Stella Got Her Groove Back, but I pressed on and on and on and finally reached what can only be described as a magical moment. No, I take that back. It can also be described as the greatest achievement in the history of mankind. I'm half serious. Come on, Ebert and Maltin! Let's see you pull this off! I don't even think you watch all the movies you review, Leonard, and there's no way you're going to put off watching the latest Werner Herzog movie to continue a "man" streak of this girth, Roger. That's right, bitches, I'm calling you out, throwing down the gauntlet, thrusting the pelvis. I might not be able to write a single meaningful word about a movie that I watch or know even a little bit about what I'm talking about, but let's see you watch even ten "man" movies in a row. Ten! And I watched one hundred and thirty-seven of them, some which I even paid attention to and didn't fast forward over. I won't pretend it was easy, especially with He Was a Quiet Man, Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story, Madman, and The Pumaman, but the really good ones (Man from the West, The Man Between, The Thin Man, Big River Man, Little Big Man, Fred Tuttle: Man with a Plan, Odd Man Out, Batman and Robin, The Elephant Man, Man in the Glass Booth, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Wicker Man, Dead Man Walking, The Invisible Man, The Weather Man, The Man Who Would Be King, The Man Who Came to Dinner, A Man for All Seasons, The Man Who Wasn't There, The Cameraman, and Dead Man) made it all worth it. There are sure a lot of good movies with "man" in the title.

OK, so I didn't finish that Jack Frost movie. We'll go with one hundred and thirty-six and one-third as the official count. Still, I'd like to see Gene Shalit's mustache even come close to that number. And I bet I could kick Gene Shalit's ass in a fight simply because I've watched more kung-fu movies than him.

Thanks again for putting up with this, faithful readers. Now back to movies without "man" in the title.

The Aristocrats

2005 dirty joke

Rating: 12/20

Plot: An enormous collection of some of the world's funniest people and Bob Saget ruminate a filthy vaudevillian joke.

This would have been a lot better if it was about half as long. If nothing else, it helps me discover that I don't think I like comedians very much. The interviews with the comedians are edited to make this into a pissing contest. There's also this vertigo-inducing thing going on where you get rapid quick-cuts of the comedians telling the joke from multiple angles, I guess so the producers can show off the fact that they had more than one camera. I never figured out why that was necessary. There's nothing especially clever about any of this, but it does have a lot of very funny moments and gives a glimpse of the inner workings of how funny people make the funny. Overall, it's not as outrageous as it wants to be and in no way succeeds in being as funny as it thinks it is for ninety minutes. It's definitely not for everybody although there is one scene that I doubt anybody could watch without uttering, "My God! This is the greatest thing ever filmed!" That's right--I'm referring to the scene where the mime delivers his version of the joke. That was comedy gold.

Bruno

2009 comedy

Rating: 16/20

Rating: Fashion klutz Bruno gets himself fired from his Austrian television style show. He decides to move to Los Angeles with the hope of becoming internationally famous. Inspired by America's finest and famous, he attempts to make connections, adopt African babies, and find a cause to support. Eventually, he even tries, with the aid of some friendly Christians, to cure himself of homosexuality.

The scenes that nearly had me on the floor: the interview with Mariah Carey*, the focus group watching his television show and interview with Harrison Ford, the casting call for babies to pose for pictures with his adopted son, the lessons on how to defend yourself against a homosexual, the hunting scenes. It's impossible not to compare this with Borat. Personally, I think it's better. There's no goofily pointless Pam Anderson plot, and there are less scenes that either don't work or go on far too long. Bruno's story does parallel Borat's quite a bit, and at times, the gross-out or potty-mouthed stuff seems like it came from a mind belonging to a man who was working too hard to top himself. But I was entertained from start to finish although I can't remember a time when I felt as uncomfortable while being entertained. This also works satirically, and it takes a special kind of talent to make something that is simultaneously incredibly stupid and profoundly witty at the same time. Bruno was easily my least favorite Ali G Show character, but I really liked what Cohen did with the character in this movie. Once again, I feel that Cohen should be in discussion for "best actor" awards. His comic timing, the physical comedy, and his ability to create this absolutely ridiculous character that becomes so real are awesome. I don't understand how he can do this stuff without breaking character and bursting into laughter, and I also don't understand how he did some of this without being killed. The guy who plays the assistant (Lutz) is a bit overshadowed, but he also does an amazing job.

I will watch this with the commentary now.

*Ya know, they're really all interchangeable. Apparently, it was Paula Abdul, not Mariah Carey. My apologies to both divas.

Jackass Number Two

2006 comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Morons pull pranks and perform stunts, mostly to entertain themselves, it seems.

You know you're in good shape when somebody says, "We have rectal bleeding," within the first ten minutes of the movie. Several chapters involving horse semen, malfunctioning rockets, launched shopping carts, fecal matter, the exposed testicles of the elderly, beer enemas, puking, bull attacks, flying wee men, pubic beards, and death-defying moments later, I had laughed quite a few times and even laughed until tears came once. I should probably feel a little guilty for liking this as much as I did, but I refuse. The mayhem is faster, funnier, and more dangerous than the stuff they did in the first movie (or on the television show, of course), and the beginning scene and ending musical number that bookend the body of this are really well executed. That closing musical number even pays tribute to Hollywood musicals and even Buster Keaton. I was reminded of Keaton quite a bit while watching Jackass Number Two actually. No, I've not yet found the movie in which Keaton's ass or testicles are displayed. With a lot of the stunts, you get exactly what you think you'll get (bike with a rocket being shot into a lake) but there are a lot of set-ups that take the stunt one unexpected step further, giving the audience a second unanticipated punchline. Does all of it work? No. Some of this is hard to watch and not really all that entertaining. But when this hits, it's home run after home run. Brilliant stuff! My favorite scene? Likely the extended terrorist bit near the end.

By the way, watching this made me realize what Tillie's Punctured Romance from 1914 was missing. If the kicking in Tillie's Puncture Romance would have been in the groin instead of directed at the backside, I think it would be considered one of the most influential and uproariously funny comedies of the early 20th century.

Ali G Indahouse

2002 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: All really dumb gangsta Ali G wants is to save the rec center, but he gets caught in the Chancellor's ploy to embarrass and oust the Prime Minister. Britain ends up loving his Keepin'-It-Real attitude, and the Prime Minister ends up even more popular.

I didn't know this movie even existed or I would have not enjoyed it a long time ago. On the one hand, there are actually a lot of funny bits and Cohen's really good with physical comedy. On the other hand, there are more than a lot of fart jokes and penis jokes (there might even be a joke about a farting penis in there somewhere) and Cohen's really bad with knowing when enough's enough. I would have loved to see the Ali G character in a Borat-esque faux documentary because the stuff with the character on the HBO show is hilarious. Also, even though there is a bit of satire in this, it seems a lot dumber than the Borat movie, an excuse to make those aforementioned penis fart jokes and nothing more. This is more miss than hit, the silly narrative is flimsy, and the sketch comedy too sketchy.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

2006 comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Borat, Kazakhstan's number one journalist, is sent to America to film a documentary on what makes the country so great. He falls in lust with Pamela Anderson after catching an episode of Baywatch on a hotel television and sets out for Los Angeles to find her.

On the one hand, this makes the misanthropic half of me laugh more than anything else. Attacks on idiocy, brutal satire, jabs of irony. On the other hand, there's something so hateful about a lot of this, and it's often unnecessarily crude. On the one hand, I really love the interaction with the actual, unsuspecting masses--the rodeo crowd, the guy trying to teach Borat how to tell jokes, the gun store owner, the used car salesman. On the other hand, the Pamela Anderson plot is cheesy and low-brow and pointless. On the one hand, Cohen's probably a genius and would have been deserving of a best actor nomination for this largely-improvised role. On the other hand, I really didn't need to see his ass. I like Borat and I'll likely see it lots more times and I look forward to seeing the new one with the gay character, but when I think about how good this movie should have been, it really annoys me. Channel it, Borat!

Myra Breckinridge

1970 crapfest

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Myron becomes Myra following a sex change operation. He/she travels to Hollywood to claim his/her part of the estate of Buck Loner, an old Western entertainer turned movie bigwig operating his own acting school. Then, all kinds of shocking things happen.

There are actually some positives here. Raquel Welch. Film critic Rex Reed screaming, "Where are my tits?" The plundering from other films. But the movie is so sloppy with such unfocused direction, that this just becomes boring and difficult to watch. A pony with too many tricks isn't any better than a one-trick pony, I guess. I kept wanting to give bonus points for effort on this one, but it never really succeeds on any level. It attempts shock early and often and then more often. The attempted satire of Hollywood falls flat and seems pretty vacuous. Mae West was probably very proud of her work in this one, especially considering that every scene she is in seems gratuitous. And by the way--blink and you'll miss the midget.

The Magic Christian

1969 movie from 1969

Rating: 12/20

Plot: An eccentric multi-gazillionaire named Guy Grand befriends and eventually adopts a homeless guy of indeterminate age. Together, they mischief make, exploring just how much people will do for money.

Another misleading poster considering Raquel Welch and her whip are on screen for less than a minute. That was in a part of the movie where it almost seemed like they knew they weren't going to get a high enough shane-movies rating and decided to up the ante. "Let's throw some random midgets in there! How about a guy in a gorilla suit? I know! Raquel Welch cracking a whip near over fifty topless women!" The movie's a mess, and I'm not sure what purpose Ringo Starr plays. It's a pointless character. The satire works occasionally and there are a lot of humorous moments, but the stream-of-consciousness approach and the dated look only go so far. This is definitely a product of its time although it is also at times strangely similar to Freddy Got Fingered. Why is it that I always want to like Peter Sellers more than I end up liking him?

Horton Hears a Who!

2008 Dr. Seuss adaptation

Rating: 11/20 (Dylan: 8/20; Emma: 16/20; Abbey: 19/20)

Plot: When the obnoxious title elephant hears what he perceives to be a scream from a floating speck, he feels compelled to save whoever made the scream. He discovers that the speck is actually an ultra-microscopic world inhabited by Whos. He decides to move the speck to safety, but standing in his way (for reasons I can't fully comprehend) is a bitchy kangaroo. Meanwhile, on Whoville, the mayor tries to convince everybody that the elephant and their dangers exist.

This is the best screen adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book yet! All that essentially means, however, is that it isn't the equivalent of exhuming Theodore Geisel and urinating freely upon his corpse while standing next to a burning pile of his books which seemed to be the goal of everybody involved in the production of The Cat in the Hat. The main problem with this cartoon is that it is too loud. Just look at the title. Even it has an exclamation point! I have no problem at all with the animation, and in fact, I think this comes a lot closer to capturing the whimsical Dr. Seuss world than the other adaptations, maybe even the classic Grinch cartoon. There was texture, especially in the scenery, and a lot of the background stuff (weird contraptions, sight gags) were fun. Unfortunately, I had to hear it, too. I would have preferred seeing stills and having a narrator (preferably Werner Herzog, but I wouldn't be too picky) read from the book. The added dialogue was rarely worth adding, and the characters (too many, by the way) weren't all that likable. They almost had too much personality. I'm not saying that Jim Carrey and Steve Carell aren't very good at what they do, but I bet having no-name actors voice the roles would have actually helped matters. Or, Crispin Glover could have played all the parts. He wouldn't have overdone it. The movie's also too long at just over 79 minutes. Lots of scenes seemed extraneous, and a musical finale was so dreadful that I pointed to the television and screamed, "You're losing a full point for that, creators of Ice Age!" That probably explains Abbey's rating of 19/20.

By the way, am I the only person on earth who would love to see a full-length feature film version of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish?

The Ten

2007 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Ten separate stories, one for each of the Ten Commandments. Narrated by Paul Rudd while struggling with the "adultery" commandment.

Poop! This is nowhere near consistently funny and is probably very close to what the writers of Saturday Night Live would come up with if television could be R-rated after 11:30. Gay jokes, poop jokes, prison rape jokes, ventures into the childishly absurd. There are funny bits, and I'm almost ashamed to say that I did laugh out loud a few times. Now, however, I can't remember what I could have possibly laughed about though. I will say that this will be worth wasting the 90-plus minutes if seeing Winona Ryder have sex with a ventriloquist dummy is something you've always wanted to see. It was definitely on my list! Poop!!! LOL!

South Park: Bigger, Louder, Uncut

1999 animated comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A raunchy movie's foul language corrupts the youth of America. Mothers fight back by putting a series of events in motion that lead to America declaring war on Canada. Meanwhile, Satan and Saddam Hussein await the final sign of the apocalypse so that they can rule the world together. Oh, snap! The South Park children (minus the one that always dies) have to act fast to save the world from Satan. And censorship!

A lot of this is timeless satire although this movie won't ultimately have the staying power of a Duck Soup or Weekend at Bernie's II. I prefer Parker and Stone's Team America, a movie I've yet to find another fan of. There are lots of clever moments and tons of really stupid ones in this, but nobody can deny that the songs are genius. I won't be able to get "Uncle F*cker" out of my head for weeks.

I own this movie. What I really wanted to watch wouldn't work on the laptop. Not that I'm making excuses.

UHF

1989 comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: George Newman is a manchild with an overactive imagination. After getting fired from yet another job, he falls into a position as manager of a television station, Channel 62. With a little help from his friends, he transforms Channel 62 from a station that shows reruns of Mr. Ed nobody watches to a station with oddball entertainment suddenly able to compete with the major networks.

I've been on a "Weird Al" kick lately, so I decided to revisit this now instead of waiting around for a Criterion release or the five and a half hour director's cut. I didn't think it was funny in 1989 when I saw it in the theater with my brother. Now I'm older and should actually be more mature and should find it even less funny, but that's not the case at all. It's rarely clever, but Yankovic's odd brand of humor manages to connect more than you'd expect if you just described this to somebody. The parodies and satire are about what you'd expect if you followed the man's 1980's work. The Rambo part and Gandhi II are the best ones. Of course, there's so many ideas here (sort of like Weird Al thought this might be his only chance to make a movie and had to use up every single idea he had) that not all of them are going to work. The "Money For Nothing" parody that cleverly spoofs the partly-animated video (an early-MTV staple) but is all about the Beverly Hillbillies sort of seems out of place. Poodles being tossed from a window though. . .that's always going to be pretty funny. Bonus points for its prescience--it's interesting how the crap on Weird Al's t.v. station is not much different than the crap networks are feeding us today. Michael Richards, pre-Seinfeld, demonstrates the physical comedy and dopiness that would be associated with Kramer in a few years. And the Nanny is also in this. This is frequently dumb, the sort of thing fans of Airplane would appreciate, and has a story that almost gets in the way of the fun, but it's bound to make you laugh while it slurps up your IQ points. Funniest moments: Rambo's makin'-things-explode face, the audience of Weird Al's kiddie show, the guy's pet show and Weird Al and his friend's response, the Indiana Jones parody. . .oh, nevermind. I could go on and on.

Fascinating note: The midget in this one (Billy Barty) appeared in over 120 film and television roles, and although he would have been old enough, was not a Munchkin.

Nostalgic:

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

1984 action adventure

Rating: 12/20 (Dylan: 12/20)

Plot: Indiana Jones flees from Shanghai with his little bodyguard Short Round and a blond cabaret singer who spend the rest of the movie battling to become the most annoying character of the trilogy. They flip, flop, fly, fall, and end up somewhere in an Indian village where the villagers' magical testicle and children have been stolen. Indiana Jones and his peers travel via elephant to find fame and fortune and meet misadventure every step of the way.

Just not even nearly as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark. In fact, it's nowhere close, and my rating above is probably too nice for this mess. There are some good action sequences. The mine car chase, the collapsing room, and rope bridge scenes are very exciting, but don't come close to the traps, the chases, the fights, or the suspense of the first one. Whereas the pacing in the first movie is almost perfect, this one clunks. And whoever had the idea to start this one with a musical number really missed the boat. Harrison Ford gets some good one-liners and the title character stays a perfect heroic icon, but almost all of the comic relief courtesy of the stereotypical Asian kid and the damsel in distress doesn't work. The exception is when Short Round says to Indy, "You my best friend!" about an hour and thirteen minutes after he told an elephant, "You my best friend!" I can't stop quoting that one, generally to strangers in line with me at the grocery store. Such dark detours in this one, and although this was like candy for me as a kid, it really spoils the trilogy now.

Dylan refuses to be in these pictures. Rest assured, he does in fact exist.

Naqoyqatsi

2002 90 minute music video

Rating: 14/20 (Dylan: 12/20; Abbey: 18/20)

Plot: Completion of Godfrey Reggio and Philip Glass's "Qatsi" trilogic collaboration. This one is all about civilized violence and, seemingly, the war against humans and information/technology.

Skulls of tomorrow become geological. Hyperspeed blizzards. Now I'm a computer bored by my own data. "Nice screen saver you've got there, Captain Handpants." "Thanks, little man. Thanks." Kaleidoscopic carpet soldiers and technicolor ebb and flow, the violence of 1's and 0's, a ballet of agile splotches and whirls, redundant athletes. Ya know, you can guffaw, but only if you do it artistically and in black and white. Andy Warhol should have directed Tron, I'm thinking. Pop and circumstances, Wassily Kandinsky ejaculates on a cookie and demands that the people of the future eat it. A flash of Elton John, fireworks, gism, glitter, and then an astronaut baby! Madonna's cleavage just sold me a strawberry and all of the information I will ever need. No, there's all the information I need, coming directly from the mouths of mute wax figurines. Mushroom Claude knocked on my door just to grope me, but at least he did it delicately. No complaints. Now, there's synchronized crash dummy hi-jinks. Is there a good team here? A bad team? A fuzzy middle? "This hamburger is making me God-damn giddy." Wait, who said that? Who even said that? Art dissolves.

This seemed more Fantasia than Koyaanisqatsi, but I liked it a lot more than I thought I would and at least as much as the second film of the trilogy which bored me. Glass's score is good (and features Yo Yo Ma), and the visuals were interesting even if the computer effects used were a little dated and pedestrian. Tortured stock footage, abstract, and at times completely engrossing. Huge chunks of the imagery I could have done without, but not, I repeat, not that extended slow motion shot of a woman laughing at a hamburger. This seems to pea-brained me to lack the singular statement of the previous two in the trilogy, but I was still sucked in.

Me, half computer:

The Films of James Broughton

1948-1988 short avant-garde wackiness

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Collection of poet/playwright/filmmaker James Broughton's work broken into three periods--the early years, the middle period, and the later films made in collaboration with Joel Singer. Most of the shorts have something to do with the penis.

As expected with a compilation of an avant-gardist's stuff, this is hit or miss. Most wallow in pretension or take the audience on a herky-jerky ride on the masturbation train straight to Dullsville. Mythological allusions, narrated poetry, operatic singing, anatomical dwellings, Morgan Subotnick, pagan handjobs, extended shots of nothing, etc. And lots of penis. Seriously, one short ("Hermes Bird" from 1979) is just the guy reading poetry while a guy gets an erection. That's not art. I could have videotaped myself naked becoming aroused while reading "The Walrus and the Carpenter" or something In fact, I should have videotaped myself naked becoming aroused while reading "The Walrus and the Carpenter"! I liked most of what I saw on the first disc--the early years. "Mother's Day" had its surreal moments. "Loony Tom," about a Chaplinesque character who prances around for the sole purpose of finding women to sleep with, was cute. "The Bed" was outrageous fun and my favorite short here with its variety of vignettes on or around a bed that wandered into a forest, and "The Pleasure Garden," though dull, also had its moments. The majority of the rest, even the very human explorations of the nude body, were too difficult to connect with. Definitely some interesting ideas and some moments of beauty. This was an awful lot to swallow though, even in short installments.

Note: Apparently, Richard Brautigan was filmed for a scene in "The Bed" but not used. Too bad.

Here I am watching disc one of the collection:

The Muppet Movie

1979 Muppet funk


Rating: 16/20 (Dylan: 8/20; Emma 11/20; Abbey fell asleep within ten minutes)


Plot: Kermit's a swamp rat keeping it real with nothing but his banjo, his songs about rainbows, and his dreams. When he meets a Hollywood producer, he gets an ambitious idea--find his way to the showbiz capital of the world to become rich and famous. At the same time, businessman Doc Hopper, owner of a chain of restaurants specializing in frog legs, wants Kermit to sell out and become spokesman for his company. While journeying, Kermit befriends a criminally unfunny bear, a rock band, a pig, a Gonzo, a giant hairy thing, and a couple scientists. Together, they hit the road, evading Hopper and his thugs while attempting to reach their dreams.


First off, I completely missed the "one-eyed midget" played by Tommy Madden in this one. It's impossible to imagine that I could miss a midget, but I was probably distracted by another of my obsessions--puppets. This movie has everything--guns, car chases, suggested sexual relations between a vulture and a chicken, a Skip Spence reference (see: Animal), a psychedelic bus, music, terrible puns, a puppet riding a bicycle, a whorish pig, gratuitous cameos. The cameos were a bummer. Bob Hope, Richard Pryor, Steve Martin, Big Bird, Telly Savalas, Mel Brooks (big surprise--he overdoes it), Milton Berle, Orson Welles, Edgar Bergen (his last role. . .he died a few weeks after shooting his cameo), and others. It's in the spirit of the show (but where was John Denver?) but got a little tiring after a while. Some of the jokes were pretty terrible, maybe ripped off from a lost Marx Brother movie, but that sort of added to the charm. There are lots of cool visuals and lots of "How are they doing that?" moments, and the vocal performances and most of the songs are excellent. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem nearly steal the movie, and their song "Can You Picture That?" is a highlight.




"Anybody's lover, Everybody's brother I wanna be your lifetime friend.
Crazy as a rocket, Nothing in my pocket, I keep it at the rainbow's end.
I never think of money, I think of milk and honey, Grinnin' like a Cheshire Cat.
I focus on the pleasure, It's something I can treasure, Can you picture that?

Let me take your picture, Add it to the mixture, There it is I got ya now.
Really nothing to it, And anyone can do it, Its easy and we all know how.
Now begins the changin', Mental rearrangin', Nothing's really where its at.
Now the Eiffel Tower's Holding up a flower, I gave it to a Texas Cat.

Fact is there's nothing out there you can do,
Yeah, even Santa Claus believes in you.

Break down your walls, Begin, believe, begat.
Be a better drummer Be an up-and-comer Can you picture that?

CAN YOU BAGGY THAT?

All of us are winnin' Pickin' and a-grinnin' Lordy how I love to jam.
Jelly belly giggling Dancing and a wiggling Honey that's the way I am.
Lost my heart in Texas, Northern Lights affects us, I keep it underneath my hat
Aurora Borealis, Shinin' down on Dallas, Can you picture that? Can you picture that?


Use it if you need it, But don't forget to feed it, Can you picture it?"


There's a good message poking its head out from all this meta-nonsense, and although the humor and deluge of songs would make this difficult for some people to watch without audible groaning, it's impossible not to appreciate the creativity and artistry of Jim Henson. Speaking of him, this story is apparently based on his own.


Here I am enjoying puppets:

The Pink Floyd and Syd Barrett Story

2003 documentary

Rating: 13/20

Plot: This is the story of Syd Barrett and Pink Floyd. Syd takes a lot of drugs, gets all crazy, and starts living someplace entirely different from where the rest of us live. The rest of Pink Floyd fall in love with lasers.

Ehhh. Some interesting archival footage, including video from Barrett's first LSD experience (?), some concert footage, and Robyn Hitchcock simultaneously making the audience uncomfortable (it's the blinking) and nailing "It Is Obvious." There's nothing enlightening here, and there's very little emotional pull. Instead, the story just plugs along monotonously, mostly through the memories of the other Pink Floyd members and a female narrator. I guess I didn't ever figure that Barrett played that backwards guitar on "Dominoes," and that makes that particular bit of that song just a little bit cooler. I've always been convinced that Barrett faked a lot of his mental illness to avoid the stresses involved with being a rock star, and this does nothing to change my mind.

Here I am, faking mental illness to avoid the stresses involved with being anything at all:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

2007 animated comedy based on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim stoner nincompoopery

Rating: 8/20

Plot: French Fry Man, Mister Shake, and Meathead have to combine their talents to stop a destructive piece of exercise equipment threatening the very existence of our world. Along the way, there is are aliens, rap music, more aliens, a sinister guy with bad hair, attempts to woo, roller coaster rides, time travel, and Satan.

Ok, I'm not the audience for this one. For the first 15 minutes, I laughed, especially digging the fake theater public service announcement at the beginning featuring cartoon food both wholesome and hard core. The lyric "Did you bring your baby here? Throw your seed outside!" made me laugh. I also laughed later when one character shot another and said, "Now you're going to hell. Feel the sweet embrace of Satan's hoof across your face." But when I nudged my friends watching the movie with me, I found nobody to nudge. I was completely alone, in a darkened room, an artificial hand down the front of my pants. It was a bitter experience. I injected Diet Mr. Pibb into my jugular, and after feeling no effect whatsoever, injected some between each of my toes. I felt more alone, wept bitterly, put the scissors away. I turned to Bronson Pinchot beside me (sitting a little too closely beside me, but who's complaining) and said, "Feel the sweet embrace of Satan's hoof across your face, Balki Bartokomous!" Alas, only a hallucination! Perhaps the Diet Mr. Pibb was having an effect after all. I paused and leaked and ate everything in the house. The neighbors knocked on the side of my house and yelled, "What's going on in there?" There was a penis joke, and I almost laughed but was too sad to laugh. At least audibly. Despair. Ennui. I drank the rest of the Diet Mr. Pibb and belched loudly. And audibly.

I sort of like the television show, a show which I have never actually seen because I do not have cable television. The spurts of dadaist humor blended with cheaply animated potty jokes works well for ten minutes. The main problem with this is it's nine times as long as the television show. I was entertained for that ten or fifteen minutes. Then, boredom. How about that movie poster though? That's a good one.

Here I am, probably right before I got bored:

Superbad

2007 comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Three maladjusted high school seniors find themselves invited to a party, partially due to their promise to provide alcohol. They see it as their last chance to get girls to like them before they go off to college. They share misadventures along the way, become separated, and then get all gay by the end.

Like Virgin, this attempts to combine really lowbrow comedy with a slightly more artistic edge, and it fails. The characters are funny and they frequently say funny things (especially the police officers), but I don't think this has the depth it seems to think it does. In fact, the plan seemed to be to make a movie that college kids could endlessly quote. Those college kids, ya know, really dig the dick jokes, and Superbad might have more dick jokes than jokes that aren't dick jokes. To be fair, one of the funniest gags, repeated during the credits, involves an affliction the fat character shares with 8% of kids in the world--an uncontrollable urge to draw penises. There were also enough f-words flung around to rival Lebowski. When the "message" behind the madness comes in, I really felt like I was being hit over the head with it. There was a certain genuine feel to parts of this that I really liked, but at the same time, there were far too many Hollywood teen-movie moments. Although better and funnier than most comedies that are like this (and definitely worth my time), there's nothing new, nothing classic, and nothing all that special about this. I do like that Michael Cera, however. He's the next Jimmy Stewart!

Here I am, slightly underwhelmed:

Black Snake Moan

2006 drama

Rating: 8/20

Plot: A mentally-challenged whore and her mentally-challenged former-boy-band-member boyfriend make whoopee. The boyfriend immediately needs to vomit in a toilet; the whore's leg starts itching and she begins hearing things--somebody wildly playing the maracas, a train, crickets. The boyfriend white snake grunts and then runs off to join the army, only to return about a week later because he had to vomit too often. She sleeps with a round man and then goes to a party where she swallows about twenty-seven different types of pills and drinks a lot. The night ends with her boyfriend's shady best friend punching her several times and throwing her out the side door of his pickup truck. Samuel L. Jackson wakes up the next morning, black snake moans, and finds the whore and her magical underpants that never get dirty sprawled out on the road. He ends up chaining her to a radiator and making her listen to his terrible blues music. A couple days or a few weeks or a month or so pass and everybody lives happily ever after. Or they die. Either way, nobody really cares.

This goes for gritty but succeeds in only being really silly. The acting is bad, the script predictable, the story Hollywood. It's hard to believe that a movie that features Christini Ricci chained to a radiator in her underwear can be bad, but bad it is. Justin Timberlake is a terrible miscast. And is Samuel L. Jackson really on a roll or what? This and Snakes on a Plane in one year? Maybe he can star in a black Adam and Eve story and complete a snake trifecta. "It wasn't me, God. That woman made me eat of the forbidden fruit after that motherfucking snake gave it to her. Damn!" It's entirely possible that what I saw as heavy-handed moralizing was a little more light and tongue-in-cheek, but it doesn't really matter. An ugly, rambling loosey-goosey, self-contradicting, poorly-written, gooey and trashy movie. I felt insulted.

Interview excerpts with Son House that bookended the movie were cool.

My crotch took a picture of the rest of me watching Black Snake Moan. Here's the picture: