Super Inframan

1975 Power Rangers predecessor

Rating: 14/20

Plot: An alien witch woman (I think) invades earth with an army of mutants. Only the bionically-engineered titular super hero can save the day!

This is pretty badass, and unlike a lot of movies with guys in rubber monster suits, terrible special effects, and an ultra-wacky plot, this gets better as it goes along. The final 40 minutes or so is a feast of kung-fu mayhem with these cool skeleton guys, sort of the Super Inframan-equivalent to Storm Troopers, and the rubber-costumed mutants. Mayhem! I'd say it all looks like a Power Rangers show made for adults, but it's very clearly been made for kids and therefore not different at all from the Power Rangers. And that should embarrass me, but I am going to unapologetically like this. It's not even going to be a guilty pleasure. I enjoyed the opening, pure 70's Shaw Brothers goofballery with Inframan doing backflips while some great white-bread game show funk plays. I was joyfully confused with the editing during an opening scene where a rubber Pterodactyl sort-of flaps onto the road and then abruptly disappears before a road crumbles, some people start yelling about getting kids off a bus, the bus falls off a cliff, and a miniature city explodes. The summoning of skeleton warriors and demons by the strangely-hot witchy woman? Badass. Just a hodgepodge of monsters! The creation of Inframan with some of the cutest little special effects you'll ever see, naturally in a cruci-pose to make him a Christ figure because Christ figures are apparently big in Japan. But anyway, he's prepared to die to save mankind, willing to risk it all to have cartoon circuitry put in his head and appendages. The first monster that attacks--a blog with a drill for a hand and, wait a minute. . .Is that Octaman? Only a more powerful Octaman that can sink into the ground and unleash tentacles and regenerate, making him nearly invincible. During this first attack on the laboratory, there's also a guy with a rather unfortunate hole in the crotch of his Lycra suit. Another thing I thought was funny during this attack scene--Super Inframan makes his appearance and everybody already knows his name. And he's awesome! He shoots lasers and fire, so I'm not even sure why he ever bothers to kick and punch the bad guys. I guess because it's a Shaw Brothers movie. Lots of creativity at play here. There's another hot little number, another alien witch, with eyeballs in her palms like that guy in Pan's Labyrinth. The characters also morph into a giant form at one point, another thing that it has in common with the Power Rangers. And keep in mind, this is all before the movie really gets to its best parts. Later, you get lethal kick explosions, a character who I named Handlebar Mustache Viking Lizard, robots with spikyball hands and spring-loaded heads, and some really awesome sets, like something straight out of the Batman television show. It's terrific dorky fun!

My ankle hurts, and I am sad.

Legendary Weapons of China

1982 kung-fu movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Assassins are sent to hunt down a kung-fu master who was teaching students to not die when shot by bullets but who ran away when he discovered that it was impossible not to die when shot by bullets. A bunch of fighting takes place.

This is bookended by the opening credits which showcase the titular legendary weapons and a lengthy fight scene at the end where the pair of foes use more than a dozen legendary weapons. It's enough swish-swish-swooshing to make even the most experienced martial arts aficionado a little dizzy, but that climactic fight scene is properly considered one of the best ever. There's an emotional edge, too. But like most Shaw Brothers' flicks, that's not really what we're looking for here. This one's colorful and confusing, muddled by too much comic relief and a potpourri of characters, some who don't even seem to know their own genders. I was really confused by a con artist character and didn't always understand the motivations of the characters. But once this gets going, it goes hard, and that array of legendary weapons is enough to make any kung-fu fan as stiff as a Chinese spear. Even Charlie Sheen's butler would call it epic.

The Five Deadly Venoms

1978 kung-fu movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A kung-fu master laments that his former pupils of the Poison Clan have all gone bad. What do you expect when you call yourself Poison Clan though? He sends his last pupil out to find and dispose of them. Unfortunately, they're anonymous and all have unique powers. The student ventures out to find the Centipede, Snake, Lizard, Scorpion, and Toad.

A classic according to most kung-fu aficionados, this is known more for its rich, serpentine story rather than its kick-em-up thrills. When there's action, it's fun. The animal styles give you a lot of variety, and the fighting's frantically and creative. I like the characters, especially in an awesome prelude that describes their special powers--lightning quickness that makes it appear as if there are a hundred hands and feet, snake-like agility, wall climbing, invincibility, and whatever the scorpion does--but I just think there could have been so much more done with them. Still, it's a cool kung-fu flick that most fans of the genre will appreciate, and the story's solid enough to make it worth revisiting.

The Magic Blade

1976 kung-fu movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Yen Nan-Fei arrives to battle master swordsman Fu Hung-Hsieh to settle a dispute over who is the better sword fighter. While they're fighting, they are attacked by professional assassins. They decide to have lunch instead and are attacked by more assassins. They have to work together, procure some exploding Peacock Darts, and figure out who's behind the plot to get rid of them.

Everybody was kung-fu fightin' in this one from the first minute to the last. And these cats, with their assortment of swords and other cool weapons (fans, Peacock Darts, explosives, a loaf of bread), are fast as lightnin'. The sword play, as good as you'd expect from a Shaw Brothers production, is seasoned with just the right amount of fantasy elements. You get impossible acrobatics, swords that can cut the branches off tree from a distance, doors and windows that close with the wave of magical hands. It's over the top, but it's never over over the top. The main character (Fu Hung) is a typical kung-fu action hero but there's a sprinkling of Clint Eastwood and Sherlock Holmes in him that gives him some depth. The antagonists are also interesting, mystical and mysterious, and the fight scenes are ingeniously fast and furious. I especially liked the cannibalistic and acrobatic Devil's Granny and the guy who made the good guys play Chinese chess. The Magic Blade has a story that only gets complicated at the very end, and I imagine its wall-to-wall action scenes would please aficionados of kung-fu fantasy flicks.

The Cave of Silken Web

1967 Shaw bros. psychedelic fantasy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: A journeying monk is lured into a cave occupied by sinister devil women who want to boil and eat him in order to gain immortality. His posse--a monkey man, a pig man, and a regular guy--have to act fast to save him.

Wackiness abounds in this Shaw Brothers' production, much more in the fantasy realm than in the kung-fu one. It's colorful and odd enough to make me ask, "What the hell am I watching here?" Really cheapo special effects and cartoony sound effects simulate magic while a smattering of dancey fight scenes and some goofy musical numbers help keep the pace incoherently swift. It's definitely one of those plots you just have to let happen. Nothing makes sense logically, and in a story where everybody's a shapeshifter, there's going to be some confusion. But although this isn't what I expected when I thought I'd resurrect Kung-Furiday, it wasn't a terrible way to spend an hour and a half.

Drunken Monkey

2002 kung-fu movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Master Bill, a Federal Express manager, is betrayed by his employees who stab him in the abdomen and kick him in the head several times just for fun. Later, he trains a pair of morons and a woman so that they can fight like drunken monkeys. Opium is somehow involved.

There are better 'drunken' kung-fu movies and better 'monkey' kung-fu movies than this 'drunken monkey' movie. These modern attempts at traditional martial arts stuff pale in comparison to the late 60's and 70's stuff although it is pretty cool to see the nearly 70-year-old Chia-Liang Liu jumping around and showing off some agility. He also directed. The fight choreography in this one isn't bad at all, but the story lacks depth and all attempts at comedy, mostly of the slapstick variety, makes things really stupid.

Here I am enjoying chocolate licorice:

The Wandering Swordsman

1970 kung-fu

Rating: 11/20

Plot: A swordsman wanders. Eventually, he wanders a little too far and into a robbery scheme of "Fail-Safe" Kung Wu and his posse--a guy with a whip, some guys with swords, a guy with these huge gold fist things. Leap, Wandering Swordsman! Leap!

Not great fight choreography and really stupid-looking wire stuff (these characters are bouncing all over the place, defying the laws of gravity in really cheap-looking ways), but enough blood and fun to make this another worthwhile Kung-Fu-riday venture. At one point, our hero is fighting dozens of men with a sword sticking all the way through him, a sword which he actually uses to kill a couple guys while it's still protruding from his abdomen. That's pretty badass! I liked the hero in this (David Chiang plays him), but the bad guy characterization didn't work. Neither did the romance. Fun little Shaw Bros. flick regardless.

Look at how much I enjoy Kung-Fu-Riday!

Have Sword, Will Travel

1969 Shaw Brothers kung-fu

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Ying Ke-Fing is a swordsman whose skills have depleted with sickness and age. He and his peeps annually escort a whole bunch of government silver from one place to another place. Two of that crew, Hsiang and Yun, are students of the latter's aunt, a "master of hidden weapons" or some shit like that. They're also engaged. When a mysterious and very poor wanderer with lightning-speed sword skills pops into the picture, a high-flyin' kung-fu love triangle develops. Hsiang and Yun must figure out whether this stranger is who he says he is or if he's actually a spy for the Flying Tiger Gang. Whatever he is, they decide, he sure is tiny!

Kung-Furiday! Lots of swords in this one, and, by the end at least, lots and lots of carnage. This starts with an in-studio ballet of slashing and violence behind the credits. From there, things get a little sluggish during the exposition, but by the time this builds to the climactic ambush scene, a lot which takes place in the various levels of a tower, it gets violently poetic and exciting. Love stories are generally extraneous in action flicks, but the triangle here adds to the suspense and character development. But who cares about all that on Kung-Furiday? We want swordplay and wire-aided leaps through the trees and fountains of blood and dorky sound effects. Have Sword, Will Travel's got all that.

School's out, so my Friday martial arts entertainment won't be on the big screen for a while. Here I am:

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

1978 martial arts classic

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Rebels have set up headquarters in a small town and await their chance to take out the regime. There's a violent attack and most of the rebels get sliced or arrested. Chia Hui Lui (which translates in English as "Huey Lewis's Chia Pet") evades and runs off to the Shaolin temple where he hopes to be trained. "I should have learned kung-fu instead of ethics," he says. After five grueling years, he becomes a master kicker and puncher and weapons-swinger and runs off to take care of business.

This started as pretty standard kung-fu fare with some quality early fight scenes and a plot that really didn't seem to matter, but it eventually turned into something a little more beautiful and interesting. The bulk of the film, as a matter of fact, isn't about fighting or revenge at all; it's got more to do with the training the kid has to go through (the 35 chambers). We see the protagonist learning about balance, sight, quickness, stamina, strength, concern for his fellow man, etc. as he carries buckets of water, rings bells, jumps on logs, punches giant logs with mirrors on them, headbutts giant sacks, and impresses his Shaolin masters. Although other kung-fu movies have shown extended scenes of training (lots of Jackie Chan's earlier movies), they've been more montages while the training in this one, as well as the interwoven Shaolin philosophies, seem to be a lot more important. The fight choreography is exciting and poetic, and the weapon variety keeps those fights from getting samey. Good flick.

Note: Dylan watched most of this with me and gave it a 12/20. His main problem was that he couldn't understand why characters would die from being poked in the chest. Abbey, as seen below, watched a chunk of this and told me that she'd give it only a 1/20.