The Cat

1992 sci-fi kitty movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy apparently named Wei Si Li but who my English subtitles called Wisely and who is played by an actor named Waise Lee gets involved with a couple of people and a cat who are trying to save the world from an alien. I guess.

Really weird science fiction movie from the director of Riki-Oh. This actually has a fight scene that bests anything in that splatterific kung-fu extravaganza--a fight between the titular feline and a mean dog. Seriously, that is something else, one of those scenes that you watch and think, "I can't believe I'm seeing this on my television screen!" I call this a weird movie, probably because I don't understand it, but there's not much that really stands out as being weirder than any other science fiction movie if you think about it. Somehow, however, all the parts add up to something that just ain't right. There's a really cool monster, the kind that only Asians can manufacture. There's also this Robocop-type figure, flying cats, and other hardcore shenanigans, and it all made very little sense to me. That didn't stop me from enjoying myself, more than I did when watching Riki-Oh at least. My favorite bits include the gelatinous tree monster thing, an electrocuted dog, a subtitle that read "I never knew a cat could fight to and so hard!", tail repair, and a scene where the cat jumps through a window and makes a perfect cat-shaped hole in the glass. I didn't think glass could break that way, but who am I to argue with The Cat or, as it's also apparently known, The 1,000 Year Cat. This was sadly director Ngai Choi Lam's final movie.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie on Facebook with Friends: Duel to the Death

1983 kung-fu flick

Rating: 15/20 (Fred: 17/20; Libby: 16/20; Bryan: dnf)

Plot: A Chinese guy and a Japanese guy travel to Holy Sword House to see who is the greatest swordsman. Ninjas attempt to stop them.

[Spoiler Alert!] In one of seven climactic scenes, the main bad guy has his head chopped off. It sails through the air and gets impaled on a tree limb. Then, it speaks: "You will die!" Then, it explodes!

That's right. We messed up and watched a movie that wasn't bad at all on Bad Movie Club night. Not only was it not bad--it's a borderline kung-fu classic! First, it's got ninjas galore. They're ninjas that pop out of the ground, throw bombs, fly into scenes via kites, spin webs, turn into women, and in one jism-inducing sequence, morph together a la Power Rangers into one menacing giant ninja. These are ninjas who fight dirty. There are some incredible, physics-defying fight sequences in this, and luckily for dumb kung-fu movie fans like me who get a little bored with verbosity and too much plot, this is almost wall-to-wall action funkiness. The two swordsmen are so quick, and with all those ninjas, a handful of monks, a pair of chicks, and a bunch of other underdeveloped characters, there's often a bunch of action stuffed into the screen at the same time. If you do require things like character development and plots that make sense, this might frustrate a little. The battle for swordplay supremacy is easy enough, but there are so many twists and turns in this and the confusing character motivations make things really confusing. Gender confusion, a dubbed bird, a legless guy, and puppet show foreshadowing gum up the works. But none of it matters because you don't watch kung-fu movies for things like plot and character development. You watch because you want to see people kill other people in poetic and beautiful ways, and Duel to the Death delivers the goods there. Highly recommended for fans of the genre.

Oprah Movie Club Pick for July: Kung Fu Hustle

2004 kung-fu comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Gang turf wars disrupt the slummy harmony of Pig Sty Alley. Meanwhile, Sing and his pal--a pair of halfwit secondhand crooks--pretend to be members of the notorious Axe Gang, a plan that doesn't go very well. A lot of people get kicked as the Axe Gang wages war on Pig Sty Alley and its hidden kung-fu talent. Then, a frog man.

What a fun and completely ridiculous movie! It's got a great look, too, although you can see right through the CGI with flailing characters looking all blubbery and splitting beams looking all glitchy. But it's just got this crisp look, and the dark but colorful 1930s world created in the opening scenes is really well done. Pig Sty Alley looks great, too, almost like a set Tati would have constructed for a movie. One great scene has the camera whisking through the town to show what its inhabitants are up to--they're swatting flies, engaging in a little domestic violence, playing checkers, apparently pooping. And the way the camera moves around the characters gives this a freshness that appeals to me. The irreverence gives this a manic edge, a wackiness that might make you wonder if insanity and/or drugs were involved, almost like the type of action movie a very clever four year old would make after he's devoured the pudding and Fruit Loops. But the martial arts action is legit. Star/writer/director Stephen Chow spends most of the movie as a wanna-be, but he shows off the skills when needed. His best moment is when he laughs after demonstrating how evil he is by stealing ice cream. The cool-looking Axe Gang--how could you not love a group of ax-wielding bunch of thugs wearing black top hats and showcasing some great dance moves while they do their axin'-- are mostly around to give major characters something to punch. I'm just a top hat, an ax, and a few bitchin' dance moves away from heading up my own Axe Gang, by the way. The trio of kung-fu masters in Pig Sty Alley are great with their individual fists, forearm rings, and staffs, and I loved the creative choreography in the "Why don't we spar a little before we leave?" scene, one of those great scenes that really has no reason to even be in a movie. Most of the characters--The Beast, the killer Guqin assassins, the landlady, and her husband--are aided by special effects, but it doesn't make the cartoonish fight scenes any less beautiful. The springy and boinging and whooshing sound effects don't hurt things either. Warner Brothers and kung-fu mashing-up isn't that much of a stretch anyway, is it? This is Road Runner kung-fu! The comedy works only some of the time, usually when it's more visually than humor. I'm not sure how well this is translated, but the humor doesn't always translate well and the dubbed voices are pretty ridiculous. The slapstick visual humor is great though even at its most obvious or goofiest. Chow sizing up the Alley to find a "worthwhile" opponent is a clever little scene. The whole movie has a made-up-as-we-go feel, and I don't mean that as a criticism at all. There's a looseness which makes this a great its big hits and even its occasional misses a lot of fun. The lesson here, I believe, is that if you're going to go ridiculous, go completely ridiculous because half-assed ridiculousness just won't suffice. The landlady's cigarette, a character inexplicably named Doughnut (I think) who steals lines from other movies, a freaking toad man, a kitty silhouette getting sliced in two, and a little kid being urinated upon. Really, what's not to love here? This is the definitive film for immature martial arts movie fans.

I'm assuming this will go as well as the other Oprah Movie Club discussions, and I can't wait to read your thoughts about Kung Fu Hustle.

Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky

1991 kung-fu movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: The titular guy who can't decide how to spell his name winds up in a prison run by corrupted officials and has to put a few fist-shaped holes in a few guys in order to survive.

This was high on my list of Things Shane Needs to See for a really long time, and then I finally saw it and ended the experience surprisingly flaccid, especially for a movie with so many internal organs that end up external. Naturally, I had to see it again, only to discover that although it's technically a pretty bad movie, it's one you just can't look away from. It's ridiculously dumb, the dumb exemplified best in a scene where our hero spills a dude's intestines with one punch, hits another guy so hard that he explodes, and takes a spike through his hand without batting an eye before "Tattoo Guy" (my name for him) says, "Hmm...you're not bad." Not bad? He just disemboweled a guy with his fist and made another guy explode! Tattoo Guy sure has high standards. There's another intestine-heavy scene featuring what might be the pun of the year--"Alright! You have a lot of guts, Oscar." Despite all the mayhem and very-low-budget gore (these inmates' heads look like they're made out of Play-Doh), this movie strangely lacks personality. The characters are either too goofy or bland, but at least the bland ones fit in with the ugly and bland prison setting with its tomato-soup-colored floors. But a movie that can't find its personality despite scenes of nails on faces, heads being punched off, multiple eviscerations, guys skinned alive, chin demolition, hand destruction, and a guy with an effeminate voice kicking a dog in half for no good reason is a movie that has some issues. Some distracting dubbing doesn't help. But as a bonus to all the kung-fu gore, you do get a great scene where a guy takes a dump and sings "Satisfaction" about as poor as one can sing it and another scene where Japanese people are playing basketball, a spectacle that probably looked exactly like you'd expect it to look.

Project A

1983 kung-fu action comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Gaily-dressed Navy guys fight crooked cops and mischievous pirates. Lots of folks wind up concussed.

I love the nods to my man Buster and Harold Lloyd here, and this will be a ton of fun for fans of kung-fu movies and silent comedies. Since I'm a fan of both, it seems like Jackie Chan made this just for me! I will say this--the comedy in this is awfully silly, and almost caused me to drop this another point or two. The plot isn't anything worth talking about either. It's typical Hong Kong martial arts movie nuttiness with more characters than necessary and a lot of extraneous scenes. The latter exist to stuff in more fight scene while the former are on-screen to get kicked in the head or thrown around. Chan takes his lumps as well because he's never an invincible kung-fu action hero. His stunts are as impressive as they usually are, and the fight choreography is completely ludicrous but endlessly entertaining. Chan et al. showcase fast flailing moves and insane bone-crushing stunts. I've never seen so many heads bouncing off floors, dressers, banisters, or whatever other parts of the scenery that are constructed just so heads can bounce off them. As always, Chan's fight choreography uses the setting and its props in excitingly creative and humorous ways. Vibrant and painful stuff. I liked how the camera would linger on stunt men as they writhe and groan after a particularly painful head bounce. A highlight involves a clock tower.

Oh, and for you Sammo Hung completists, he's in this one as a sort of Jackie Chan sidekick.

Ip Man 2

2010 sequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Ip Man moves to Hong Kong after the events of the first movie. He sets up a kung-fu school and eventually draws in a few students, but he meets resistance from the other martial arts schools in town. Meanwhile, a British thuggish boxer smashes his way into Hong Kong, insults everybody, and

Well, it's not as good as Ip Man. The first half makes a good run at it, setting up an old-school kung-fu conflict with rival martial arts schools dissing each other. It's easy to love just how good the movie looks and Donnie Yen's smooth ferocity and ridiculous speed. And then look--it's the legendary fatso Sammo Hung. When the fight choreographers just allow these guys to kick and punch at each other, things are really really good. A scene where Ip Man meets some students from one of the rival schools in an attempt to fetch one of his students from their clutches contains a lot of thrills and excitement, and Yen uses props in a way that would make Jackie Chan proud. Then, during a scene where Ip Man battles a few kung-fu masters, including the aforementioned Hung, on a wobbling table, they suddenly decide to lean back on some special effects that make the fighters look a little cartoonish. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained by the whole thing, but it was a little goofy and killed the realistic feel that a biopic like this should have. After all that is almost settled, the movie shifts gears again and turns into Rocky IV. Or whatever Rocky movie has the big mean Russian guy in it. Then, you get a guy named Darren Shahlavi chawing down on the scenery as British boxing stud Twister. He's a weirdly arrogant villain, but the ensuing fights between him and the kung-fu guys never make any sense to me. Let's see--Twister's powerful but boxing-gloved punches vs. a guy who is using his bare hands and feet? I don't care how ripped the guy is, isn't who should win the fight kind of a no-brainer? Yeah, yeah. I get it. It's all sort of symbolic anyway. There wasn't really a moment during this movie where I didn't want to be watching it, but it's definitely kind of a let-down following the great first movie.

There's an appearance by a famous guy at the tail end of this movie. I wonder if he'll be a character in the third Ip Man movie.

The Legend of Drunken Master

1994 kung-fu movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Posters have invaded China, and folks are panicking. They call on Jackie Chan to save the day, and [Spoiler Alert! Although the poster to the left actually spoils it all anyway.] he uses his drunken fighter style to punch holes in the evil posters. Comically.

I didn't think much of Jackie Chan before I saw this movie. I had seen a couple fistfuls of kung-fu flicks and liked the genre, and everything I knew about Jackie Chan--his general reputation, the small sampling of his work that I'd seen--made me assume that he was like a kung-fu sell-out or something, too popular or new school to be worth my time. The Legend of Drunken Master floored me when I first saw it, and the terrifically creative and acrobatic fight scenes still floor me today. The plot of this one, along with some embarrassing dubbing and some less-than-stellar acting, isn't anything to write home about. Luckily, the bulk of this is made up of those action sequences. The first, mostly taking place beneath a train, shows off rapid movements and some choreography that utilizes every square inch of that confined space. But the fight scenes just get better and better. A lengthy climax in a factory is fast and furious and eye-popping, featuring a guy with legs that moved so quickly and rubbery that I thought for sure they were computer-generated legs. But I think I like the two fight scenes in the middle--one where the character first demonstrates his drunken style to beat down a collective of goons and another where he and a partner take on a ton of dudes with axes--even better. Jackie Chan's known for his stunts, his fluid movements, and his use of humor and props. Here, at nearly forty, Chan's at the top of his game, and if you're a fan of kung-fu movies at all, there are several action sequences that will have you reaching for the rewind button so that you can see them again. They're good enough to help you forgive all the attempts at humor that fall completely flat. The original Drunken Master movie from 1978 is also worth watching, by the way. Compared to this version, it's more traditional and not nearly as flashy, but it's still a solid martial arts flick with that white-haired old guy Siu Tien Yuen who I really like.

Legendary Weapons of China

1982 kung-fu movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Assassins are sent to hunt down a kung-fu master who was teaching students to not die when shot by bullets but who ran away when he discovered that it was impossible not to die when shot by bullets. A bunch of fighting takes place.

This is bookended by the opening credits which showcase the titular legendary weapons and a lengthy fight scene at the end where the pair of foes use more than a dozen legendary weapons. It's enough swish-swish-swooshing to make even the most experienced martial arts aficionado a little dizzy, but that climactic fight scene is properly considered one of the best ever. There's an emotional edge, too. But like most Shaw Brothers' flicks, that's not really what we're looking for here. This one's colorful and confusing, muddled by too much comic relief and a potpourri of characters, some who don't even seem to know their own genders. I was really confused by a con artist character and didn't always understand the motivations of the characters. But once this gets going, it goes hard, and that array of legendary weapons is enough to make any kung-fu fan as stiff as a Chinese spear. Even Charlie Sheen's butler would call it epic.

Ip Man

2008 Hong Kong Phooey

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The tale of Yip Man and why he lost his Y. Loosely (I imagine very loosely) based on a real-life tough guy in Foshan, a town packed with martial arts schools, who single-handedly-and-footedly beats up every single Japanese person and teaches China the art of Wing Chun. Bruce Lee, according to the poster, learned from him.

Not only is this an action-packed kung-fu film stuffed with lots and lots of images of guys getting kicked in the side of the face in slow motion (a modern kung-fu movie idea that will likely be beaten into the ground), it's a great movie. The cinematography is impressive, and the 1930s Foshan they've created is very realistic. The acting's good, especially the stoic Donnie Yen as the titular Yip, a guy whose got that gift of having such a presence even if he's not doing anything, reminiscent, I think, of the commanding screen presence that Bruce Lee had. And the scenes when he actually does do things on screen? Electric. The fight scenes are terrific--intensely exciting and often even emotional. There's a scene near the middle of the film where Yen fights Japanese soldiers for the first time, and from the moment he says, "I'm going to fight ten of you mo-fos" (that's my paraphrase) to the last strike, I was all goose-pimply. It's one of those fight scenes that, if you enjoy martial arts movies, you just have to rewind and watch again. You never really get the sense that Yen's character is in any danger at all though; in fact, I wondered if it was in his contract that he was not to be struck on screen or something. Still, regardless of whether or not there's any suspense about who is going to win any of the fight scenes, it's great fun watching Yen's quickness and fluid movement and there's nothing going on that makes it unrealistic or fantastical like some other modern kung-fu classics. With flying fists, swinging axes, dancing long poles, and busting bones, this has enough to please both old school kung-fu aficionados and fans of all those beautifully photographed, more mature martial arts dramas that have been made this century. I'm not sure about the historical accuracy. I'm also pretty sure that Ip Man is really a glossy action-oriented propaganda film. But who cares?

A confession: I may have watched this only to prevent it from being Kairow's movie-of-the-month selection for March because it would mess up the movie I want to pick in a few months. He can have credit for the recommendation though.

Taoism Drunkard

1984 kung-fu insanity

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Umm. Well, the titular drunkard breaks a statue, and to make up for it, he has to find the cherry boys and the Virgin Chicken. Meanwhile, a kung-fu demon is trying to steal some holy writing, but he's having a difficult time getting past a grandmother and a watermelon monster. That's right. A freakin' watermelon monster. Confession: I have almost no idea what was going on during most of this movie.

This is how I like my kung-fu--nice and insane. Within ten minutes, you get the following: some spacey sound effects, knee knives, some flying, a guy who has no palm lines, a flashback that sort of explains why he has no palm lines, tongue removal, a porcupine man, these cool physics-defying metal balls that a guy uses as weapons, and a drunken guy driving a car shaped like a mouse. Don't think that Taoism Drunkard shoots its wad too early though. You don't have to wait too long before the real star of the show makes his appearance. The Watermelon Monster:

This is the thing that guards the writing that the devil guy is trying to steal. It hops and flies around, snapping its teeth (it seems to go straight for the groin) and nipple-tweaking with these tentacle things. It's the greatest thing ever, and I realize I've written that exact same thing about eighty different things on this blog, but this time I mean it. And the zaniness doesn't let up after this first appearance of this spherical fighting machine. No, you get a kung-fu fighter who can retract his head and arms into him like a turtle, articles of clothing used as weapons, attack tables, the biggest sword I think I've ever seen, a poison that ages the victim, urine drinking, an homage to the Marx Brothers' mirror gag, a giant stone foot that pops out of the wall and kicks people, and in my personal favorite scene, a kung-fu master who incorporates the robot and the moonwalk into his fighting repertoire. There's also a song with the raunchy lyrics "Though the sugarcane is small, it is hard as iron" that they sing to the tune of "It's a Small World." Whew. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's very funny and quickly paced, and the fight scenes are creative. This is the type of kung-fu movie that you have to pause every once in a while just to catch your breath. Something strange though--the version I watched was subtitled instead of being dubbed. Major bummer, and it probably didn't help me understand the plot any, but there were some (I'm guessing) poorly translated subtitles that were funny.

"So me ate what he grew."

"I am using abdominal language to joke with you."

And some dirty talk during a sex scene: "How is it? Is it comfortable and interesting?" If I ever have sex again, I'm going to say that.

The Magic Blade

1976 kung-fu movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Yen Nan-Fei arrives to battle master swordsman Fu Hung-Hsieh to settle a dispute over who is the better sword fighter. While they're fighting, they are attacked by professional assassins. They decide to have lunch instead and are attacked by more assassins. They have to work together, procure some exploding Peacock Darts, and figure out who's behind the plot to get rid of them.

Everybody was kung-fu fightin' in this one from the first minute to the last. And these cats, with their assortment of swords and other cool weapons (fans, Peacock Darts, explosives, a loaf of bread), are fast as lightnin'. The sword play, as good as you'd expect from a Shaw Brothers production, is seasoned with just the right amount of fantasy elements. You get impossible acrobatics, swords that can cut the branches off tree from a distance, doors and windows that close with the wave of magical hands. It's over the top, but it's never over over the top. The main character (Fu Hung) is a typical kung-fu action hero but there's a sprinkling of Clint Eastwood and Sherlock Holmes in him that gives him some depth. The antagonists are also interesting, mystical and mysterious, and the fight scenes are ingeniously fast and furious. I especially liked the cannibalistic and acrobatic Devil's Granny and the guy who made the good guys play Chinese chess. The Magic Blade has a story that only gets complicated at the very end, and I imagine its wall-to-wall action scenes would please aficionados of kung-fu fantasy flicks.

The Cave of Silken Web

1967 Shaw bros. psychedelic fantasy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: A journeying monk is lured into a cave occupied by sinister devil women who want to boil and eat him in order to gain immortality. His posse--a monkey man, a pig man, and a regular guy--have to act fast to save him.

Wackiness abounds in this Shaw Brothers' production, much more in the fantasy realm than in the kung-fu one. It's colorful and odd enough to make me ask, "What the hell am I watching here?" Really cheapo special effects and cartoony sound effects simulate magic while a smattering of dancey fight scenes and some goofy musical numbers help keep the pace incoherently swift. It's definitely one of those plots you just have to let happen. Nothing makes sense logically, and in a story where everybody's a shapeshifter, there's going to be some confusion. But although this isn't what I expected when I thought I'd resurrect Kung-Furiday, it wasn't a terrible way to spend an hour and a half.

Legend of Fong Sai Yuk

1993 martial arts movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The secret Red Lotus Flower Society want nothing more than to get rid of the evil emperor. A tough guy is sent out to locate a list of the society's members, a list that includes the name of local kung-fu hero Fong Sai Yuk's dad. Fong Sai Yuk enters a kung-fu contest in which the prize is the daughter of a rich dude. Later, his mother, disguised as a man, fights the rich dude's wife in the same contest and the latter is smitten by her. Somehow, I'm making this sound more confusing than it actually is.

Oddly, the plot of this bit of tongue-in-cheek kung-fu mayhem isn't difficult to follow at all despite a variety of madcap goings-on. The plot doesn't matter much as there is enough wall-to-wall action to make you want to turn off the old mind anyway. High-flying wire work combines with a creative use of setting and props to make some sparkling fight choreography. It's violent, but until the climax, the violence isn't serious. You've got opponents balancing on the heads of the spectators, the superhuman abilities, some wacky gravity-defying nonsense. It's fun stuff. I also like the rapport between Jet Li and the woman playing his mother. An argument could be made that there was too much comedy in the beginning or that it got too serious in the end, but changing either side would have ruined the fun. A couple good fight scenes between Jet Li and the guy hunting down the list.

Zu Warriors

2001 martial arts fantasy

Rating: 3/20 (Jen: 1/20. She didn't even give it a chance though!)

Plot: Some guy covered in special effects wants to destroy the Zu Warriors, possibly because he's jealous of their special effects. They have a contest to see who has the best special effects.

This reminded both Jen and me of the Power Rangers television shows that some of our children watched. It looked about that tacky, but to be fair to the Power Rangers, at least they made perfect sense all the time. This was just about the grossest thing I've ever seen. About 90% of the movie was ugly CGI. It was like humans trying to wade their way through a video game or maybe a screensaver. I've decided that I just don't like these martial arts fantasy things, but really, I'm not sure I can accurately label this a martial arts film. The characters kicked (mostly at the air) and made some kung-fu poses, but those kung-fu poses just ignited some special effects wizardry--giant rings flying from hands, metallic wing things swooping through the air, iridescent tornadic swords. I had no idea what was going on about three minutes into the proceedings. I couldn't tell when characters died or remember who certain characters even were. What makes it worse is that I didn't even care. I have no idea how I even finished watching this. It definitely wasn't pleasant and quite possibly my worst movie-watching experience of the year.

Ashes of Time

1994 movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A recluse in the desert acts as a middle man to find swordsman for people who have problems that need solved. There's a guy with a wine that makes you lose your memory, a woman with eggs, a swordsman going blind, another swordsman who doesn't like shoes, horse thieves, and a man who winds up being his own sister.

This was so boring. I was immediately turned off by that texture that a lot of Asian films seem to have where everything looks runny, like it's been stone washed. This movie is really overly stylized with lots of slow motion undulating and off-colors and jerk cuts. Those are all technical terms, by the way. The fight scenes are dully shot with those quick cuts, some slow motion, and a lot of close ups. The actors might have martial arts skills, but you definitely couldn't tell the way the action sequences were shot. This was really cheap and ugly art, and I don't want it anywhere near my fireplace. It's too bad because I thought there were some possibilities with the structure of this (I like how it's broken into chapters based on seasons although that's not a new idea), the general idea, and the poetic voiceover narration.

The Bride with White Hair

1993 martial artsy romantic drama

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Cho Yi-Hang is a gentle swordsman and the future head of the Wu-Tang Clan. Lien is a trained assassin for a wicked cult led by evil siamese twins. They should want to kill each other, but they instead fall in love and screw repeatedly by a waterfall.

A girl raised by wolves and later trained to fly around and use a whip to chop people in half? Psychotic, shape-shifting siamese twins? Men spontaneously growing breasts? Heads rolling around? Fire? A kung-fu Romeo and Juliet? Who can ask for anything more? Unfortunately, the characters are really uninteresting types, and the production looks really cheap. So much in-studio work here with creepy lighting, one-color backgrounds, and smoke machines, and although there's initially a moody and haunting novelty, it ultimately comes across as a one-note, toneless affair. Pretty dull stuff. The kung-fu wasn't any good either. I liked that whip though. It is difficult to understand how a person can be ripped in half at the torso and not bleed at all but when (spoiler!) siamese twins are ripped apart, they bleed like geysers.

I'm eagerly anticipating a martial arts Merchant of Venice!

The Storm Riders

1998 martial arts fantasy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: Lord Conquer, just like everybody else according to Tears for Fears, wants to rule the world. Standing in his way is Sword Saint. A prophet named Mud Buddha informs him that the battle will take place in ten years and that integral to his success is making two children (Whispering Wind and Stinky Cloud) his disciples. They're sent out to find a fire monkey and remove somebody's head, and then, I think, somebody gets a brand new computer and wants to show off some of its screensavers. There's a love interest in there somewhere.

I gave this movie a bonus point for Sonny Chiba's line "Good. . .Now let's see how much blood you have." Other than that, this was an awful, ugly movie. Too bad for the legendary Sonny Chiba, I guess. Most surprising to me is that this movie outsold Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in Hong Kong. I couldn't find a time on the dvd box (it seemed endless), but I've read that the international release of this film was cut from a little over two hours to eighty-some minutes. I think I would have preferred a version cut by two hours. CGI effects have been vomited all over this, and the action sequences make almost no sense at all. Wind and Storm have these unexplained powers and can apparently tear off their own arms and throw blood on their enemies or spin around really fast. One of the characters can make a giant bubble to float around in. Lots of "What the hell?" moments scattered all over The Storm Riders. It's all as vacuous as a Power Rangers television episode except it doesn't look as realistic. And it's almost entirely void of entertainment value. This may go down in shane-movies.blogspot.com history as the movie that singlehandedly destroyed Kung-Fu-Ridays.

Here's an awfully disappointed back of the head:

The Heroic Trio

1993 Hong Kong phooey

Rating: 10/20 (Jen: 2/20)

Plot: Ummm. An evil magical guy is kidnapping male babies and putting them in birdcages that he keeps in the sewer where he lives. Apparently, he wants to raise one of them to be an emperor or something. Aiding his endeavors is a half-man/half-animal with a decapitating device and a woman who can turn herself invisible. The woman who can turn herself invisible happens to be married to a scientist who is putting the finishing touches on some sort of invisibility cloak which the bad guy wants to get his hands on. Wonder Woman (no, not that one) and Thief Catcher team up to stop him but realize they'll need to seek the help of Invisible Girl or the movie's title won't make any sense. Together, they form a trio of dangerous high-flying females that might be able to save the world.

Extravagantly ludicrous and hysterically funny, this is the perfect example of a terrible movie that you'll love and feel guilty for loving. Abandon everything you know about the laws of physics and suspend your disbelief and just watch attractive superheroines flitter about in spandex in absurdly quick action sequences. This rarely lets up, the exception being a comical chunk of sentimentality that has to do with lotus flowers, and the feature-length martial arts fantasy with an overabundance of special defects moves along so briskly that it feels like it's only ten minutes long. There's definitely not a lack of style, and I'd say it's a case of style-over-substance except for the fact that there isn't any substance at all. The dubbed dialogue is great fun. It also seems like the producers of this one were going for some kind of plot hole record or something. I've rarely had more fun scratching my head than I did while watching The Heroic Trio. I would, by the way, probably watch this movie twice than most American superhero movies once. Insanity!

A not-so-heroic uno (head back):

Curse of the Golden Flower

2006 drama

Rating: 15/20

Plot: After hearing about some things going down, a mean emperor returns home, accompanied by his second-oldest son. The empress, it seems, has hooked up with his oldest son. There's a third son, but he's next to worthless. He can't seem to hook up with anybody! The emperor isn't happy with his wife, despite her buxom bosoms."Not gonna have this ickiness in my kingdom!" he exclaims to one of the guys who stands around announcing things. So he decides to poison her with some fungus that grows somewhere halfway around the world. She, however, has other plans. A plot unfurls during the festival of chrysanthemums, dysfunctional family secrets are unveiled, and blood gets all over the place.

This was less a martial arts movie than a Shakespearean or Greek tragedy or [soap] opera. When action scenes did pop up, they were absolutely stunning--ninja guys floating through the air, swords flashing, arrows sailing, poetic choreography. The acting's great, the story's solid even when it's a bit convoluted, and the climax(es) are powerful and poetic and grand. The stars of the show, however, are the visuals. This thing's an orgy of colors and cleavage. Continuing with the richness and beauty of Hero and House of Flying Daggers, this third Yimou Zhang film almost exhausts the eyes by forcing them to try to slurp in so much color. Jaw-dropping set design here. There is not a single shot in this 2+ hours that the eyeballs won't enjoy. Couldn't stand that music though, especially the happy little song playing over the credits. What the bloody chrysanthemum was that?

One other note: I watched the English-dubbed version of this because I like looking at movies more than I like reading. I also had the subtitles on. They didn't come close to matching. I'm not sure which I'd recommend, but that might have been the source of some of my confusion about what was going on in this one at times.

Monochromatic:

The Wandering Swordsman

1970 kung-fu

Rating: 11/20

Plot: A swordsman wanders. Eventually, he wanders a little too far and into a robbery scheme of "Fail-Safe" Kung Wu and his posse--a guy with a whip, some guys with swords, a guy with these huge gold fist things. Leap, Wandering Swordsman! Leap!

Not great fight choreography and really stupid-looking wire stuff (these characters are bouncing all over the place, defying the laws of gravity in really cheap-looking ways), but enough blood and fun to make this another worthwhile Kung-Fu-riday venture. At one point, our hero is fighting dozens of men with a sword sticking all the way through him, a sword which he actually uses to kill a couple guys while it's still protruding from his abdomen. That's pretty badass! I liked the hero in this (David Chiang plays him), but the bad guy characterization didn't work. Neither did the romance. Fun little Shaw Bros. flick regardless.

Look at how much I enjoy Kung-Fu-Riday!