Bad Movie Club: Miracle Man

2014 (?) religious movie

Rating: 2/20 (Libby: 14/20; Josh: 3/20; Fred: 2/20; Jeremy: I don't even think he made it to the opening credits)

Plot: See Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John except you have to stop after Lazarus is brought back to life. And it takes place in contemporary times. But you get all of J.C.'s biggest hits--water into wine, temptation in the desert, some healing. And Jesus has to contend with modern day problems like the police hassling him because kids are selling drugs outside his place, clumsy rapists, banks, bitches. And the devil keeps sending demons to try to throw him off track.

If you're as old as me, you remember when Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ came out, and Christians went nuts because nobody as weird as Willem Dafoe should be playing Jesus. At least I think that was the problem they had. They marched around with signs denouncing the movie, probably threw a few Molotov cocktails or something, maybe threatened Martin Scorsese's eyebrows. They really should have saved their fervor for this atrocity, an actual religious movie that--if people saw it--would do far more damage to Christian ideology. Like Scorsese's film, this looks at the humanity of Christ, sticking J.C. (because it's more hip that way) in modern times. He's got a construction business, and there are other parallels to the life of Christ presented in the Gospels, but there's not nearly as much of a point to the whole thing. It's completely pointless and doesn't even really seem to have a message, yet it still somehow manages to seem as preachy as a man-made work of art can be. But you have to wonder--is this man-made or did a higher power have a hand creating this magic? That higher power, of course, would be Satan in this case.

Let's talk about Satan a little because he's in a few scenes. Well, his floating head in some murky version of hell is in this. He's got a great voice but sends a pair of demons--one who could have a chance to win one of my end-of-year awards if I could find his name [seriously, just look for this movie--it's not on imdb, and I'm starting to wonder if it was some sort of collective hallucination] and another guy who looks like he walked off the set of a biker movie. But that first demon guy? He delivers quite the memorable performance, but that's probably easy when you've got such well-written material to work with. I mean, a demon who calls people "buster" when he's feeling like threatening somebody? Actors craving an Academy Award crave these kinds of roles. [Update: Gregory Joseph is his name, and I've thought more about why I like his performance so much. He's just taking this juicy sort of role and grabbing the thing by the throat and having fun with it. It's a little over the top, but he's a fedora-wearing demon. How else are you supposed to play that character?] Other auxiliary characters--a woman who was nearly raped, J.C.'s friends (especially the one with a shifty accent who has a great moment with an internal monologue), policemen, the rapists, various members of J.C.'s congregation--all seem like they were pulled straight from the pews of some church. Oh, and there's a guy in a wheelchair who I believe is "playing" mentally-handicapped, and that performance is the type of thing that should result in a one-way ticket to hell. Seth Gandrud plays Jesus, adequately actually, but there's another guy with better hair who probably should have been Jesus. Gandrud plays Christ with this sort of nonchalant calm that somehow manages to get a little grating after a while.

But it's nowhere near as grating as the look of this film. Scenes seem to be filmed through a very thin gauze at times, and nearly the entire movie is filmed using cutting edge green-screen technology. We wondered how the producers of this thing couldn't afford things like, you know, walls to actually film in front of. They actually needed a green-screen to make it seem like the characters were talking in front of a nondescript wall? They even needed a green screen to film a wedding scene. They seriously couldn't find a church to film in? Maybe, Ted Kraft Jordan or whatever your name is, God is trying to send you a message about filming something like this if he's not even helping you find a church to film in or a wall to film in front of. The green-screen effects were jarring enough, but whenever J.C. shot fireballs (because he shoots fireballs) or another special effect was called upon, things got completely ridiculous. Most people have probably seen better special effects in a passion play. There's also an important scene featuring a car accident that doesn't make sense on any level at all. Of course, this is a movie about religion--not science. If there had been a postscript before the credits that said, "Did you see those special effects? This is the kind of movie they show you in hell, so you might want to make sure you're right with God," it all would have made perfect sense. If this is indeed a real movie and not a collective hallucination, it's something worth watching on Youtube. It just might save your soul. If not, it will make you laugh, and that might be just as important. I'm remembering a story in the New Testament where somebody who doesn't believe in the divinity of Christ asks for a miracle. I don't remember if he gets one or not. Well, Miracle Man really is sort of a miracle of a movie, something that has to be seen to be believed. And I'm looking forward to seeing what Ted Kraft Jordan Productions comes up with next. Hopefully, it's a sequel!