Oprah Movie Club Pick for November: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial

1982 science fiction fluff

Rating: 10/20 (Dylan: 3/20)

Plot: The titular gelatinous wrinkled sack of pudding is stranded on Earth, and a young boy and his siblings have to help him call home.

Before I begin, I need to let you know that I have done the work for you. And yes, perverts, there is a pornographic version of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial which you can watch part of right here if you are in the mood.

This is also the first of my stream-of-conscious posts where I essentially just try to give you a glimpse inside my mind, real-time. As in--while I'm watching the movie. Of course, you're reading this in the future, and I am not currently watching the movie. But you get the idea. And I should probably warn you--a trip through my mind might be scarier than an E.T. pornographic film. But it's something that I'm frequently asked about as one of the most popular movie bloggers and the movie reviewer who once watched 137 movies in a row with the word "man" in the title. "Shane," people will say when they stop me on the street or email me or scream using a megaphone from my front yard or send me messages telepathically (all good methods to get in touch with me, by the way), "just what goes through your head when you watch a movie?" And this kind of blog post--which I'm still trying to think of a name for--is the closest I can come to giving an answer. The parts in bold were added after I'd watched the movie. Of course, a lot of this could have been changed. You can't trust somebody who's throwing out a review of the Oprah Movie Club pick for November on Christmas, right?

I haven't seen E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial in a really long time. I would have guessed there was a colon in that title, but instead, the movie seems to be called Extra-Terrestrial the Extra-Terrestrial. The only thing I really remember is that there's a scary scene where the little gay kid finds E.T. in a field and bicycle flight.

Peter Coyote is in this. That's not his real name [His real name is Rachmil Pinchus Ben Mosha Cohon] and probably the name he picked when he thought he was going to be a television news reporter or a guy on the radio talking about the traffic. "This is Peter Coyote with a look at your traffic. There's a fender bender on. . ."

Sparse opening, purple on black with silence gradually building into some eerier than you’d expect from John Williams.

E.T.’s arrived in some sort of Christmas ornament. I think I saw one of those at Walgreens a few days for about 8 bucks. Maybe I can get E.T. spaceship for 90% a few days after Christmas.

Shrooms? The ET’s are manufacturing drugs in that thing? So it’s really nothing more than a flying meth lab. No way I'm hanging that thing on my tree then because I don't want my kids to get the wrong idea.

I do think I like this movie more already knowing that E.T. and his cohorts are actually on a mission to look for some really kick-ass drugs.

I really don’t remember this movie at all. So far, it’s about as thrilling as the old Atari E.T. game that almost single-handedly brought the company down.

ET’s on make-out point, trying to pleasure himself--I’m guessing from the sounds--and a bunch of guys in pick-up trucks come along. And now it’s reminding me of The Galaxy Invader, only not nearly as sexy.

These aliens wobble like they’ve got vertigo or something. Of course, it's already been established that they're all stoned out of their minds, so I guess that makes sense.

Why the close-ups of that guy’s crotch and keys? Seriously, this is about the fifth shot of this guy's crotch. Is that Peter Coyote?

I like how they reach the ship and shine their flashlights at it as it flies off.

Dungeons and Dragons? These guys are totally going to hell, at least according to my parents.

Elliot’s annoying. I wouldn’t let him play Dungeons and Dragons either. You just know this kid would play like a little bitch.

Wait a second. Go wait for the pizza? They’re telling him what they want on it? Wouldn’t they have taken care of that when they ordered the pizza? That's a continuity error. Or more accurately, it's just poorly written by a guy who doesn't understand pizza.

I think Elliot is lost in his own house. And why’s he need a baseball glove and ball to get a pizza anyway? Light’s on in the shed, so he throws a ball in there. Then, he steps on the pizza. Lesson about life here: Don’t send Elliot for the pizza because he’s apparently a dumbass.

Coyote’s come back? Peter Coyote?

This family might have the creepiest backyard I’ve ever seen. When I was a little kid, I was a little afraid of the cornfield surrounding my house because I thought I’d be attacked by a groundhog some day. I’d blame this movie, but I think that fear predated this. It's a nice shot though--the only shot we get of the backyard. Moon, fog, shed, corn.

Ahhh! E.T. of the Corn!

That first shot of E.T. is terrifying and then hilarious. That reaction! I thought this thing was supposed to be a Jedi. Why would a Jedi show that much fear? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. Come on, E.T.! You're better than that!

Reece’s Pieces? I thought aliens liked Coca Cola and McDonalds. Isn’t that what we learned from Mac and Me?

Now that I think about it, the aliens in Mac and Me wobbled quite a bit, too. Is there any part of this movie that Mac and Me didn't rip off?

Mom’s had that coffee cup poised at her mouth for about five minutes.

“Penis breath!” How could a mother not laugh at that? And should Drew Barrymore have to hear language like that? I think Drew hearing that word at such a young age explains everything we need to know about her.

Is this older kid an Eisenberg? He looks like an Eisenberg.

[Nope--he's Robert MacNaughton, and apparently he's getting back into acting after a 27 year hiatus.]

You wonder how a species can evolve into something like this--giant head, rubbery skin, really short legs, a chest that glows, long fingers and arms.

You've got these guys looking for whatever and one of them finds candy on the ground. So, of course, he eats one of them? What? That's actually a pretty good commercial for Reece's Pieces right there. "Reece's Pieces--candy good enough to eat off the ground!"

LIke E.T. doesn’t know Greedo or Hammerhead. Boba Fett makes an appearance! Being in this movie is the worst thing that's happened to Boba Fett since he got knocked into the Sarlacc Pit by a blind man.

This “Look! This is ____” scene [Elliott teaching E.T. about the names of various things in his room] should have lasted about another 45 minutes. “See, this is a sock. You put your foot in it before you put on your shoe."

Who do you think would win in a fight between E.T. and Harvey the dog? I know who I'd root for.

Spilled milk...further cements the theory that this is about a boy reaching puberty.

69,000 on Asteroids! Holy crap! Bitchin’ Space Invaders shirt! I’d wear that still if I had it.

Drew screams! E.T.’s neck goes up and he screams! Runs off with his hands way up in the air. That's pretty hilarious. But here's where Spielberg screwed up: Imagine another scream from Drew Barrymore where her neck goes up. That would have been the funniest thing anybody's ever seen in the history of mankind.

Elvis Costello poster in the kids room?

Elliott’s got a giant closet...and a stained glass window. With the puberty subtext, this has to mean something, but I can't figure out what it would be.

Good another shot of that guy’s keys…

So he can levitate Playdoh balls and bring flowers back to life...those are definitely Jedi powers.

Kid with headband and Uranus joke. Says “Get it? Your anus!” three times. Get a clue, kid with headband. Your joke just sucks. I hope E.T. gets rid of you first once the killing spree begins.

Bus activity...should have been a cut scene since, you know, kids don’t actually act like that on buses.

Why does Elliot’s house seem to have a very bright light shining on it from all sides? It's almost like his house is inside the sun. This is a really oddly-lit movie.

E.T. eating potato salad...made me laugh.

Drinking Mom’s Coors. Uh oh!

Why’s Elliott belch in class? Drawing terrible pictures, belching audibly...that’s two strikes. Hey! I think Short Round’s in his class. Ok, Elliott’s getting drunk by proxy or something?

Throws a beer at Tom and Jerry cartoon…

This teacher is boring, but you have to give him props for actually making the students kill the frogs they’re about to dissect.

Talking to his frog...a real teacher would send Elliott to a counselor.

Parallels with E.T.’s television show and Elliot at school kissing a girl. What the heck is going on?

Refrigerator door knocks him over...another laugh. He doesn’t look like a Jedi to me. Of course, puberty is an awkward time, so I guess it all makes sense.

Mom’s oblivious...first she doesn’t know her kid’s going outside in the middle of the night, then she doesn’t seem to notice that her house is littered by E.T.’s one man party, and finally she doesn’t notice there’s an alien in her house.

Then again, what adolescent boy wants his mother to know when he's going through puberty?

Wait, Gert’s old enough to stay alone?

Transvestite E.T. and the kids exchanging “E.T. phone homes” for about 10 minutes. I don't even know what to say about that.

He doesn’t look so good? He didn’t look good to start with, and he’s been living on a diet of nothing but beer and candy!

Make a space phone out of a Speak and Spell, an umbrella, and a saw blade...

Mom’s reaction to the Halloween costumes is terrific. Spielberg doesn't understand how pizza works or how mothers react to Halloween costumes. At least we find out that E.T. left some Coors for her though.

E.T.’s getting horny as he checks out Mom in her costume. But I think he’s asexual. Isn’t he supposed to be a plant?

I wouldn’t want to trick or treat with E.T. He really slows things down and chases down Yodas. You do have to wonder about the connection he seems to have to Yoda. That can't just be Spielberg's nod to his buddy Lucas. What's this say about E.T.'s relationship with Yoda? What's it say about puberty?

He can make bicycles fly, too. These special effects are fantastic, by the way. That just looks dangerous, but Mac and Me proved it could be worse. At least Elliott isn't going to fly off a cliff in a wheelchair.

Mom’s going nuts at home by herself.

Ok, legitimate question: Why’s E.T. make his little garbage phone wind operated? Can’t they just move it manually? And how does Elliott know it’s working? Because there’s a fork moving a saw blade and making an irritating sound?

Grow up together, Elliott? E.T. is a wrinkled elderly man, isn’t he?

Oh, my God. I don’t remember it, but I believe E.T. and Elliott are going to make love. A better father would shut this thing down and send his son out of the room.

Drew mentions Mexico again and makes Mom start crying...damn, she really hates Mexico.

E.T. in water with raccoon...I can't be the only person who laughs out loud at that, can I? I think I probably even laughed when I saw this as a nine year old.

Mom’s response to seeing dying E.T.: Big smile and a “That’s terrific!”

I once taught a kid who had skin that looked like dying E.T.’s. In fact, another teacher [Not me--I want to make that clear.] actually referred to him as "Dead E.T."

I guess this is what happens when you overuse your extra-terrestrial, Elliott. Learn a lesson from it, kid.

Why do they need to be wearing spacesuits?

Dying Elliott is an even worse actor than the normal Elliott.

This movie is so poorly paced, and the scene where they’re dying is maybe the best example of it. I could make a space phone out of a bicycle horn, a broken cassette player, three eggs, and a spork in the time it takes these two to die.

Older brother screaming at a plant--this is what people are referring to when they call this "movie magic," right?

CPR scene...he’s awfully squishy there. And that’s like 30 people screaming a bunch of things. I am CPR-certified and don't remember anything about how it works better if there's a bunch of screaming.

“Something’s happening.” Kids are brilliant.

“I think he’s dead.” This is the point when the movie should have ended.

Spielberg’s giving this kid way too many lines. He’s barely audible over this schmaltzy music anyway.

Wait a second...that “I love you” brought him back to life. “E.T. phone home!” This is the kind of crappy storytelling that makes me want to throw a shoe at my television.

Teens putting on hats shot…classic.

They have guns in this one...I thought those were replaced with flashlights. [Ok, I researched this. Spielberg digitally replaced guns with walkie-talkies, not flashlights. But it's switched back to guns now, presumably because somebody pulled him aside and said, "Stephen, remember when you took the guns out of Extra-Terrestrial the Extra-Terrestrial and replaced them with walkie-talkies? Yeah, that was really stupid."]

Bike ramping...that was so obviously not Eliott in that scene. I'm not looking this up, but I'm going to imagine it was the same bicycle stunt person who filled in for Nicole Kidman in BMX Bandits.

“We made it!” Oh, shit!” Ummm...how did he not see the bunch of people. Bike’s flying off which is an even worse special effect in daylight. And why do they need to still pedal? This movie’s making me angry.

And suddenly--night time.

I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think it’s a good thing when you can see your heart through your chest. And when it's glowing like that.

Drew’s acting…”I just want to say good bye.” This is her best performance since that thing she did on the top of David Letterman's desk.

With all that E.T. learned, I doubt he’d be able to connect physical and emotional pain. I'm not buying the sentimentality in this "Ouch" scene.

The siblings are probably wondering why they didn’t get a hug and a fondle.

“I’ll. . .be. . .right. . .here.” Why’s his finger need to glow? Seriously, I'm going to need somebody to explain the science behind this glowing stuff.

Then it takes him a half an hour to walk up the ramp to his spaceship. No wonder his friends left behind at the beginning of the movie.

Almost morning now? And the ship shits rainbows. Because of course it does.

I’m assuming Elliott's family were all later arrested.