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1999 prequel
Rating: 14/20
Plot: The thrilling tale of a trade dispute where a pair of young robed lovers with phallic laser swords encounter a lizard man from inner-city Naboo and enter a love triangle that only one will survive. They pick up a woman and a black man and go extreme camping in the desert. Enter: a little boy who can build his own robots and race cars and flirt with angels. Suddenly, the titular evil guy, more menacing due to diphallic terrata and bitchin' space horns. Some political intrigue, the 49th running of the Tatooine 500, and a few Jesus analogies later, the heroes return to Naboo in order to scratch off a few things from Qui-Gon's bucket list. Space fight! Laser sword fight! Glowing marble and droid fight! Hide 'n' Go Seek with the fish faced guys! [Spoiler Alert: Grown men who just don't get it whine and whine and whine about their childhoods being ruined.]
Another glimpse inside my head as I watch a movie, this time with the purpose of defending the unfairly-maligned first film in the unfairly-maligned Star Wars prequel trilogy. No, it's not anywhere close to a perfect film. And no, it's not as good as the first two films in the original trilogy. But it's a good movie that plays an important role in the Star Wars series and at the very least is really entertaining. Good ol' George Lucas certainly gives us some things that can be frustrating; at the same time, he shows us things in this movie that any Star Wars fan should have been absolutely thrilled to experience. Anyway, here are my mostly-stream-of-conscious thoughts as I watched this movie again.
And, bam! I don’t care how long those stupid dorks waited in line to see this….the second John Williams comes in, it’s worth every minute and every dollar they paid for this experience. That's something that will get me every single time.
Slow crawl mentions the congress and trade disputes which seems to be the biggest gripe of people who tell me their entire childhood’s were destroyed by this movie. But why? There's got to be a series of events that make the Emperor into the Emperor, right? I think the amount of politics in the prequel movies is a gripe of the dull-minded.
Why is a 14 year old flying Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan around? I’d want somebody who’s reached puberty to captain my spaceship. Great shot of Naboo and the blockade from the front window. I'm always amazed at how crisp the space effects look in all of these movies.
Female C3PO, and the 1999 version of myself is already horny watching this in the theater. I think I probably suspected that Natalie Portman was playing her.
Liam Neeson sure looks the part of a Jedi. And Obi-Wan, from the beginning--you can see Alec Guinness in what Ewan McGregor's doing. It's like ILM is using special effects to create a young Obi-Wan.
I like those fish-faced guys because they remind me of the cover of Trout Mask Replica. And now I can't watch this movie without imagining George Lucas, probably stoned, listening to Captain Beefheart while writing this movie.
“Stunted slime”...check out that cowering fish-faced guy. You just can't trust dudes who look like this, can you?
Captain’s last words before the fish-faced guys blow the ship up--”Tillamook”? I should have watched this with subtitles. Pretty sure he said "Tillamook" though.
Droids in this movie are too small and fragile to be all that intimidating. They're absolutely no match for two Jedi. However, the amount of lightsaber action in that little fight promises more Jedi action in the prequels than we got in the first trilogy.
Droidy Cars? I could have sworn that’s what he was saying. “They’re no match for Droidy Cars.” Great delivery. And “Sir, they’ve gone up the ventilation shaft.” One of the many characters I’d like to have backstories for. And yes, I found out later that they're actually Droidekas, but I like Droidy Cars better. [Just looked it up--The "They've gone up the ventilation shaft" character is named Tey How, and it's a female. Now, I really want a stand-alone movie for her, and I want it to be Disney's first venture into sci-fi pornography.]
Oh, Amidala...the problem with this character is that Portman was apparently told to play it ultra-formal. Or maybe she was told that the character was made out of cardboard.
Token black guy! Whiny pointy-bearded guy! They're not as irritating as Jar-Jar, but they are superfluous. What do they add to this story?
Man, I am about peeing my pants in anticipating of Jar-Jar. We’re seconds away.
Yes! And Qui-Gon tackles better than almost every player on the Chicago Bears.
"Meesa called Jar-Jar Binks." Obi-Wan: “What’s this?” And that’s what everybody was probably thinking when watching this.
Ewan McGregor...I’ve seen that guy’s penis in enough movies to recognize what he’s doing during that “Blast us into oblivion” line...he’s a little too in Jar-Jar’s face. I know better now, but I was fairly positive he was going to offer Jar-Jar drugs or try to sleep with him eventually.
Actually, I don't think I saw Ewan McGregor's penis until the 21st Century.
That underwater Gungan city? Fucking festive, orange-glowing bulbs, schools of fish. It’s littered with Jar-Jars, but tell me you've seen a better-looking underwater city than that one.
“You, sir, in big doo-doo this time.” How could anybody not like Gungans?
Boss Nass has some interesting character quirks--the clicking, the blubbery head-shake. “The planet core.” “Pew-nished.” I wonder if women would be attracted to that sort of thing. How much Gungan tail does Boss Nass get? [My research didn't uncover an answer to that, but the actor who voices Boss Nass is Brian Blessed who is sort of Boss Nass-shaped. And he went from voicing Boss Nass to playing King Lear in the same year, so you know this guy got as much Gungan tail as he wanted in 1999.]
The slobbery head shaking of Boss Nass...one of those Star Wars moments right up there with “It’s a trap!” and the shot of the guy laughing with Lando after they blow up the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi. [Nien Nunb, and if I was a better Star Wars fan, I'd know that.]
“Oh, goober fish.” And the bigger “fish” that’s actually just a Godzilla-shaped thing walking around the bottom of the sea? Great CGI there, in murky underwater, of course. Chased by another bioluminescent fish. This underwater crap is cool although John Williams’ score is a bit much down there. It's all completely unnecessary, but the creatures are cool, and it adds to the serialization feel of the saga.
Lurking around the palace...why do they still need Jar-Jar? Seems like they could have ditched him at this point and probably ended up with a movie that would have broken less fanboys' fragile hearts.
A droid saying, “What, uhh”? These things are so ineffective. They had that many people around the ship and didn’t have one casualty? These scrawny droids are a bigger problem in this movie than Jar-Jar could ever be. What a shiny-ass ship that is, by the way.
I remember once when I was in public and my hyperdrive was leaking, so I know what a problem that can be.
"The Hutts is gangstas." That’s how I would have written that line.
Darth Maul’s first appearance is stepping into a hologram thing. “Now there are two of them!” He’s phantom-menacing enough, but I imagine Sidious telling him, “Alright listen for my cue--when I say ‘Sith,’ I want you to step forward into the picture so that the fish-faced people can see you.” It makes you wonder if Darth Maul just kind of stands around and does nothing most of the time. And it makes me feel bad for Darth Vader because I imagine he did a lot of standing around between movies 3 and 4.
When Qui-Gon senses a disturbance: Do you think Obi-Wan really sensed it, too? Or was he just being a suck-up? It's hard to take any guy with that weird ponytail thing seriously.
Ok, Qui-Gon goes off looking for a hyperdrive or whatever. Why does anybody else need to make that trip? Jar-Jar? R2-D2? Doesn’t that just slow things up?
I love Watto, a nice Star Wars tribute to Jewish people. And there’s little Anakin...little twerp. “Are you an angel?” “You’re a funny little boy.” This is one dipshit conversation. It does make you wonder what lines George Lucas used to pick up women though. Now, he could just hit up conventions and say, "Hey, good-lookin', I made Yoda." Back in the 70's though? Do you think he really went to bars with that "Are you an angel?" line with women who were twice his height like little Jake Lloyd here?
I never thought Jake Lloyd was all that bad. He doesn’t have great lines to deliver, but he does adequately for a child actor. He's also not as much of a problem as those stupid and ineffective droids.
There's the 2001: A Space Odyssey space pod. I love that little nod.
from http://dailynewsdig.com/5-famous-movie-props-appeared-film/
Watto’s well animated, and there’s a lot of character there. “You think you’re some kind of Jedi waving your hand around like that.” Totally bitch-slapped Qui-Gon there. I used to do a pretty mean Watto impression, but I stopped because like all my Star Wars Episode 1 impressions, it made me sound like I was being racist.
Jar-Jar leaving Watto’s shop...that walk and spin. He’s human from the neck down, so somebody actually had to move like that? No way you can have a career after something like that. [I know Ahmed Best did the voice. Was he Jar-Jar from the neck down, too? He probably should have gotten an invidual Razzie award just for that walk and spin movement in this. I'm just imagining this scenario where they do something like 40 takes of that exit from Watto's shop, they finally get that one, and Lucas screams, "That's it, Ahmed! You nailed my vision!"]
“Yippee!” Maybe I should take back what I said about Lloyd. Maybe forcing us to imagine Darth Vader saying "Yippee!" is what people hate about this movie.
Thing that says “You wanga wanga”? That might be the stupidest looking alien in this entire franchise. And there’s a Greedo head in the background. It's not moving, so I think it's probably just a Greedo mask.
[Ok, there's that thing. But when looking for a picture, I found out that it's actually "Die wanna wanga" that the stupid-looking thing is saying. And that Bib Fortuna's first line in Return of the Jedi is the same thing. "Do you want to die?" That stupid-looking thing also has a name, of course--Gragra. Gragra in Tatooine means "stupid-looking alien," meesa think.]
Sebulba’s cool though...I imagine this guy gets a lot of tail. But the friends he’s having an early supper with? They look like a couple heroin addicts. I wonder if they’ve been in anything else?
[I couldn't find a picture of Sebulba sitting with his friends. Trust me though--they look like heroin addicts.]
Side swipe transition--recalls the original trilogy in a good way.
“My gums are aching. Storm’s coming up, Ani” woman...I think that might be the wife of the guy Jar-Jar tried to steal food from [Gragra] which makes me wonder if there’s Star Wars porn featuring those two. [You know you're an official Star Wars geek when you can't watch the movies without thinking of pornography.]
Qui-Gon needs to work on his flirting. You do wonder what he and mom are talking about when Anakin is showing off C3PO. “My parts are showing? My goodness!” C3PO’s first of many terrible lines in this new trilogy. But back to Qui-Gon--could he use Jedi mind tricks to get women or would that break some kind of Jedi code? "You will go to bed with me." Hand wave. Pretty easy game for a Jedi, no?
Is Anakin's mom a MILF?
[Anakin's Mom--the MILFish Mary of the Star Wars saga]
Maul’s first real scene and he already gets more lines than Boba Fett. Can’t remember him talking in any other scenes though. I think I like that about him. Quiet villains are the best.
If Jar-Jar says “How rude” again, I’m turning this off.
Jedi reflexes--catching Jar-Jar’s tongue. I want him to do that in one of those Taken movies. Or does he already?
“No one can kill a Jedi.” Even if they're younglings, Anakin?
“There is no other way.” Betting on a podrace is really the only way, Mom?
Qui-Gon and Watto slap five…Anakin crosses his arm. That right there is when Jake Lloyd's at his worst.
Lots of wisdom in Qui-Gon’s face. He’s got good rapport with things that aren’t actually even there, CGI creations--Watto, Jar-Jar, Anakin’s mom. Considering all the actors who had to have scenes with green-screens or fake things, Neeson might be the most natural.
Ok, Anakin was a virgin birth. So this is sort of a Christmas movie.
“You’re such a joker, Ani. Ho ho ho.” With friends like those, who needs Greedos.
[Meesa thinks you need better friends, Ani.]
[Before a better Star Wars fan corrects me, I'll correct myself. Apparently, Anakin's friend isn't Greedo. But Greedo was in the deleted scene below. I don't know what to think anymore.]
Midichlorian count...over 20,000. More than Yoda? What the hell does that even mean? Mom catches Qui-Gon talking about her son’s Midichlorians which probably destroys any chances he has of sleeping with her.
Of course the interior of Darth Maul’s ship is red. Spy bulbs! One of the Darth Maul action figures came with those, and I remembered thinking that I would have ended up with those stuck in either my nose or ears as a kid.
I didn’t need to see the back of Watto. Looks like he’s wearing some kind of loose-fitting underpants. There’s also a nice shot of his bellybutton when he pulls out his chance cube, which he does leave behind. What’s he going to do for a chance cube now?
[My Google Image Search for "Watto butt" was fruitless.]
“This is so wizard, Ani.” Kitster? This kid's a real asshole. I had a friend as a kid who looked exactly like Anakin's friend though. Kitster. Not Greedo. [Fake Greedo, it seems]
Thing in some kind of orange spacesuit. Looks like a reject from an episode of Dr. Who.
Oh, here’s the two-headed announcer--my other least favorite thing about this movie. Maybe I'm OK with Jar-Jar because my 2-year-old daughter liked him. I cannot tolerate this two-headed announcer though.
Pod racer who does the bow and then goes, “Hhmm hmmp. Hmmp.”
Numerous shots of the crowd with a ton of alien lifeforms. I love the extras, but some of them just look like really shady-looking people.
A wet fart and a “Pee-you, sir.” So many little mistakes hurt this movie. Why would George Lucas put a fart joke in this? Chewbacca didn't fart, did he? Jabba didn't fart? Although imagine if he did! I do think the Wampa might have farted.
[This shouldn't have been in the movie, and it definitely shouldn't have passed gas.]
Sebulba: “Uh oh.” “You’re bantha fodder,” and an adjustment of his goggles. The guy’s a real badass. I'd totally hang with Watto and Sebulba.
Ok, take a guess at what I was most excited to see: Jabba? Jabba’s wife’s bosom? Bib Fortuna?
Maybe it’s because I’m in Indianapolis, but the “Gentlemen, start your engines” part of this with the movements of these different pod racers: pretty awesome stuff.
Excited Greedo…[Fake Greedo]
Weird-looking little person sitting next to Watto...that's Warwick Davis! And I believe he's playing Greedo [Fake Greedo] in this movie, too.
The landscapes, the movements of the racers, the sound effects, a shot of that one chick’s butt, a complete lack of music...this is a fine action scene. These special effects are fantastic! If it wasn’t for that fucking announcer!
[Baby got back!]
Tuskin Raiders celebration thing…
The announcer mentioned the one little guy having a pit crew...why does he need one for a three-lap race?
Sebulba cheats again...and a guy who appears to be flying that thing with a blind fold says “Yarrrr!” Add that to the list of greatest Star Wars moments. Yarrr!
Anakin’s quick reflexes and thinking...really sets up that this is a guy who could end up being Darth Vader. For the first time in the prequels, it sort of makes sense.
Announcer just made a joke “I don’t care what galaxy you’re from--that’s gotta hurt!” Pretty insensitive, isn’t it? Too soon?
Love how Sebulba’s podracer sounds. Add the terrific sound effects to the visuals in this, and you've got something that is undeniably cool right at the heart of the movie.
Direction for Anakin’s mom during podrace: "Here, hold this thing and pretend to be distressed.”
“Hooyo!” I’m not sure what Anakin did there. I know it was something. And I wonder what "Hooyo" means? Enough to give this a PG-13 rating?
Greedo’s dance...oh, that’s just fucking fantastic, Warwick. [Fake Greedo]
Jabba slept through that? He missed something historic! That’s like sleeping through the last lap of the 1992 Indianapolis 500 with Unser Jr. and Goodyear. No? Nobody?
Watto: “I lost everything.” A slave? That’s pretty much all he lost, right? I think Watto might be overreacting a little.
A second “Yippee!” Fantastic.
“You’ve been a great pal!” Wouldn’t Darth Vader recognize Anthony Daniel’s voice on Cloud City? [Now that I read this again and think about it, I'm not sure Darth Vader ever saw C3PO on Cloud City. I think C3PO got busted up and not put back together again until later.]
I think George Lucas should have just taken the piss completely and inserted a ghost Jake Lloyd in that scene with the ghosts in Return of the Jedi instead of putting Hayden in. Can you imagine the outrage?
Uh oh...the titular menace is about to do something.
A CGI Maul at first? He looked a little gummy...but man, that was some short and sweet badass lightsaber action! Followed by the first meeting of Anakin and Obi-Wan? This should arouse any Star Wars fan!
Why does fish guy need to sit on a walking spider throne? Did he bring that down himself or did he find that on a Naboo planet?
Scene where Anakin gives Portman a necklace--Carved something out of what? Watch the scene in slow motion and it looks like he’s pulling his hands from his crotch.
Freudian…”I care for you, too.” And instantly thinks of his mother! Oh, Ani!
All the shadows on the those buildings in Coruscant...man, that looks good. As does Palpatine’s hair. Wonder how much of the special effects budget went into making Palpatine's hair like that.
Taxi driver sure is weird looking...I don’t think I’ve noticed him before.
Doesn’t Palpatine contradict himself? He said something about having confidence and then talks about how politics are screwing up everything. What’s this dude’s name? He’s so good. [Ian McDiarmid--had to look it up.]
Five-pillar Jedi house looks completely impractical…
A tall-headed guy, Yoda, a black dude, wrinkley-messed up head guy, huge-necked small-headed guy...a couple women, a guy with a great beard. Come on, ABC. Where’s my Jedi council sitcom?
Yoda! “Hard to see the dark side is.” Yoda and Jules don't have much to do in this movie.
I kind of like the Senate scene...the special effects with those things floating around is kind of goofy though. And Amidala’s voice is going to put everybody to sleep.
Wookiees...some E.T.’s...you know the E.T. guys are on the fish-faced guy’s side. If I had less of a life than I already do, I'd freeze this and check out what else is in there.
[Think of the action figures that could have been sold with more close-ups during this scene.]
Dusk on Coruscant...so good. It's just such beautiful imagery.
So the government doesn’t work before Palpatine takes over...I sort of like the political thread in this trilogy. You sort of get what Palpatine’s doing and almost wonder if he’s right. It gives the necessary context for Anakin's later shift.
How is Anakin too old and Luke isn’t? And when did Obi-Wan start? I'm going to need to see a rule book for this Jedi stuff.
“Your focus determines your reality.” Where’s that come in again? [I just reread this and have no idea what I'm talking about.]
Midichlorians explanation...oh, thank the maker! I do understand the gripe of taking the force from something mystical to something that is explained with whatever-this-is, I guess. It's still a very small flaw in a much larger work of art.
“Weesa going home!” Gimme a “Yippee!” Anakin!
Boss Nass reaction to the begging...and then he mispronounces the name of his race, does the Gungan equivalent of jazz hands, and drools over everything. I'm telling you--Boss Nass was probably the Wilt Chamberlain of Gunganland. Although, I can't recall seeing any female Gungans. There's something Lucas needs to explain.
I like how a female character comes up with the entire plan in this. Maybe this is the real reason why people don’t like this movie. You'd think Star Wars fans should be able to handle strong female characters.
“Many Gungans could be killed”? This plan just got even better!
Now they’re giving a hologram the spider thing to stand on? This spider thing is the greatest unexplained thing in the movie.
“Wipe them out...all of them.” Perfect delivery. This is gettin’ Sidious now! [Do I actually need to explain that this is a pun?]
CGI giant battle is weird looking...can’t remember that being tried before this though.
Naboo has the greenest grass...it’s a pretty planet. I hope we get to see a lot more of it in the second movie.
Blaster fight...everything’s so quick. Action all over the screen. And there’s the Wilhelm scream!
So much going on--space fight which is as good as the one in Return of the Jedi which is probably the best. The ground battle with the Gungans and the robots. The lightsaber fight that is the best from any of the movies. The search for the fish-faced guys. I really like how this is all balanced.
Gungans fight with oversized blueberries...that’ll work.
Doors open...Maul! That music! It doesn’t get better than that. Bathrobes off...twin-bladed lightsaber? Are you shitting me? Sorry, Star Wars fans, but if you don't like what's happening here, you're just not a fan.
Maul’s movements are so perfect...even the cool way he opens the door in the middle of the fight.
Trio of shots...Maul, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan...backflip, a pursuit, and a Darth Maul double-take. This Star Wars fan’s got a boner.
The ground battle doesn’t look bad either, but there’s too much Three Stooges-esque slapstick in there.
“I’ll try spinning--that’s a good trick.” What? Anakin should have been given a lot less to say in these scenes.
Man, this space battle looks so good.
Qui-Gon can move, too. Maybe not as well as a seasoned Jedi should, but the dude can swing a sword.
Meditation vs. Stalking...what kind of agenda does this have? Seems a little right-wing to me.
I think Jar-Jar just made a reference to Nazis.
Jar-Jar running from the super big blueberries...maybe that’s the worst moment in the entire franchise.
[What the heck?]
“Meesa don’t have a boomer.” Oh, boy.
First time you see a lightsaber actually go through a guy...glad that was without music, too. That entire fight, sans music, is just so good.
That whole decoy thing is pretty stupid.
Ewan’s pissed….hopping mad. That one-on-one...best sword fight--lightsaber or otherwise--that I've ever seen.
“Now this is podracing!” Yes! They’re looking over at Anakin and not wondering, “Who the hell is this kid?” I believe I've convinced my daughter to say "Now this is podracing!" in the middle of her driver's test, but it's hard to know if she'll actually go through with it.
“They aren’t working.” Again, there was a nice convenient moment for Jar-Jar to leave this movie. . .
Darth Maul’s spark him to death plan…sort of makes the menace look like a putz, doesn't it?
Fun little blood spurt when Maul gets hacked in two there.
“I think you can kiss your trade franchise good bye.” Oh, I like that sass!
Palpatine doesn’t look so big and bad with pantaloons. The blue guy’s helmets recall the Imperial guards though.
I read that Liam Neeson wanted to do this whole burning thing for real. Any truth to that?
Everybody’s got a hood in that funeral scene except for Yoda. Ears too big?
Like that last shot of Palpatine.
Great! A parade! Think Boss Nass threw candy in that? Eating candy thrown by Boss Nass is the sci-fi equivalent of digging candy from a road apple and eating that, isn't it?
Another guy with big ears, like a peach-colored Yoda? Who the hell is that? [Some cat named Even Piell, and he does have a backstory but sadly no pornographic stuff.]
[Played by a woman (or child?), Michaela Cottrell, who has no other acting credits.]
Darth Vader breaths at the end of the credits. So good.
[Man, this is long! Short version--there's more to love than hate in this first of the Star Wars prequels.]
9 comments:
This movie is gratuitous. It's just ILM & Lucas circle jerking. The story is fluffed, the characters are flat, and my god the CGI is ludicrous.
I really do think there are some gems in there. I mean, how can you be 100% wrong on such an open-ended, imaginative world? So, Qui-Gon Jin, Darth Sidious/Palpatine, Darth Maul, Watto were all highlights and welcomed treasures. I'm so glad that Ian McDiarmid got to shine in these movies. He's from the stage/Shakespeare scene, and really doesn't get enough credit in how he commands a camera. I think his delivery is spot on. Liam Neeson, too. He really does add an age of refinement and heir to the character of a Jedi.
But come on...I don't think we should make excuses for child actors. Jake Lloyd sucks. Period. I don't the "I see dead people" kid would have ever yelled "Yippee!" And this is just a perfect storm of bad acting and bad writing. "Are you an angel" is stupid/elementary/ridiculous. Lucas had all that time to come up with a script, and he landed on stuff like that? No excuses. Jar Jar is an idiotic character and I think the fact that they made him such a large piece of the movie sinks the whole ship.
All of the extra, unnecessary CGI and throw-away characters is just mastibatory. This movie should have only been about 45 minutes long...oh wait, that's not a feature-legnth? Then we could have just cut parts of the second prequel and combined them to actually be efficient... This was money-making capitalism and self-gratification at its worst (or best...whatever would be the bad version).
I really hate terrible CGI--completely ruins a movie for me, generally. However, I don't really feel the CGI in this takes away from anything. In the second installment, there's a scene where Anakin is standing on some Naboo horse thing, and that's something I'd describe as ludicrous. There are probably a couple moments like that in Episode 1 somewhere, but I don't remember them. I'd say the CGI looks better than most CGI does 15 years later.
Unless you just don't like that there's CGI in the film at all and feel the effects should have matched those in the original movies. I can understand the sentiment there.
I didn't make any excuses for Jake Lloyd, did I? I just don't think he's that terrible.
Circle jerking, masturbatory, self-gratification. I don't see how any of those descriptions fit this any more than the original trilogy.
Throw-away characters--if you skimmed what I wrote, you'd probably realize that the throw-away characters in the Star Wars movies are my favorites. But again, I don't really see this having any more "throw-away characters" than the original movies. Unless we're talking about different characters...
Fluffed story/45 minutes long...what parts of the story would you cut out of this? What's not vital? I guess it could be argued that the lightsaber fight goes on too long or the podrace goes on too long.
The storytelling feels clumsy, and there are character development problems, but I really can't think of too much of this that could be cut out of this without losing something. I think combining parts of this with parts of Episode II would have made things seem rushed. Don't you want time to get to know the characters?
Of course, not that it happens with Portman. These prequels could have been 6 hours each (Hobbit-sized!) and Lucas still would have failed to develop that character adequately.
"Are you an angel?" makes me a little sick to my stomach. I've spent about five minutes trying to rewrite that scene in my head and can't come up with anything. Lucas might have spent four minutes.
There's too much CGI in the film. I'm not saying it's poorly done. i'm saying it's overdone. ILM and Lucas were just showing off, and it became needless.
You said he "does adequately for a child actor." I don't really think he does. He need more guidance from a true acting coach. There's no way Lucas was leading him through those scene deeply. And honestly, I don't think he fits. Why does the character's story have to start so young?
Yes. They were masturbating via F/X. "How much F/X can we fit in this??" Nearly every scene has a green screen background. Why? Nearly every scene has a CGI character in it. Why? Because they can. Not because they had to. It felt cartoonish after a while.
Of course they do more than the "original trilogy." There wasn't CGI in every scene... Plus, the original trilogy gets a pass because that's exactly what they were: "original." No audience had ever seen that kind of vision. It's like Lucas was just trying to outdo himself.
I'd cut Jar Jar out. He's unnecessary and annoying. The pod race is too long. Quite honestly, not much else is all that memorable, and I can't be specific. The basic story is that a trade dispute is gong on and Darth Sidious is on the rise. It took that long to spell it out?
This movie is just a big "set up" for the rest. It didn't feel like its own film the way "A New Hope" did.
"Are you an angel?" No, but meesa thinks this movie did need divine intervention, though...
Why does Anakin's story have to start when he's that young? Because that's when it starts. Why SHOULDN'T it start when he's that young? In a way, I know what you mean because the ratio of bad child acting performances to good ones is probably around 12:1. But I think the background about Anakin's life at a very young age is important even if it is a little silly--life as a slave, virgin birth, midichlorians, experiencing the loss of a mentor/father-figure, being rejected by Yoda, the background we get with his mad piloting skillz and inventiveness...and, of course, meeting his future baby mama. Now, is some of that handled pretty clumsily? Yeah, probably. But I don't think it's in the way so much that it should have been disregarded.
Too much CGI...an aesthetic issue. I prefer the practical effects of the original movies to what happens in these newer three, but the amount of special effects certainly doesn't bother me as much as it does you.
Certain scenes do have a cartoony look, but I never really see it as showing off. Lucas's biggest problem with this is that there are these stupid moments--"Yippee!"--that stick out like an infected cyst. He needed somebody to step in and say, "Wait a sec, George. Darth Vader can't say Yippee here." I don't think a Lucas problem is showing off. To me, it's a guy using every ounce of his resources to put his vision on the screen.
Jar-Jar is not unnecessary. He's needed so that Portman can reach his fellow Gungans and use them to create a diversion. And I'd add (probably controversially) that there are scenes where he adds a certain color. Things would have been bleak and a little boring without him. The Jar-Jar problem is that there's just too much of him. He shouldn't be eliminated altogether, but he should have been trimmed for sure.
The podrace scene is too long? Ehh, maybe. I like how it's a little story within the story though. And I think the effects are outstanding. If you mean it's too long because of the idiotic two-headed announcer, I'm totally with you.
'A New Hope' could have never had a sequel and told a complete story. You're right about that. What about 'The Empire Strikes Back' though? That's arguably the best of the entire series, and it's not a completely story at all. It's a set-up for the disappointing third film and wouldn't survive on its own. 'Phantom Menace' was written with the bigger picture in mind. Everybody knew going in that it was going to be the first part of a "How Darth Vader became Darth Vader" trilogy, right? That seems like a silly complaint.
Darth Sidious...if anything, I wish his scheming was more drawn out. I think he becomes a more fascinating character in the prequels. In the original movies, he's just evil. In the prequels, the evil is reinforced, but you also get to see how fucking smart he is. He almost becomes one of those villains you can root for because he's so many steps ahead of the good guys. So yeah, I actually wish there was more of his part of the story in this.
Give me 5 minutes, and I'll get you the Gungans without Jar jar Binks. All they needed was an "in." They could have had a nameless Gungan show them in. They could have had any connection that led them to the Gungans and then exited the story line. Jar Jar, therefore, was unnecessary.
I definitely knew that this was going to be a drawn out plot. But, still, you have to admit that it wasn't very tight storytelling and they were just making it last a feature-legnth (plus some). That's not a good movie. Plus, no I really don't think any of these Star Wars movies are about investment in characters. I feel like the characters are just a means to tell the story. It's this great, unseen/unheard, omnicient narrator using the Skywalkers, surrounding characters, and the political atmosphere to tell the greater story of the Jedi, The Force, and the moral dichotomy of good and evil.
The one thing we can agree on is Ian McDiarmid's skills. I was more interested in that story arch than of Anikan's/The Queen's/and mostly the whole rebellion.
Gungans without Jar-Jar would be feel all Deus ex machina-y, wouldn't it?
Clumsy storytelling, yes. But I don't think there's that much in this that's just wasted time. MAYBE, it could be edited to a crisp 90 minutes, but that would just be by shortening action sequences, not by removing any scenes.
We can probably agree on more than Ian McDiarmid...
I put a little more thought into something I wanted to say earlier...See, here's what I think knocked my socks off as a little kid: the fringe details of this Star Wars universe. I liked being shown that cantina in 'A New Hope' and seeing that collection of characters. That hammerheaded dude (I think his name was Hammerhead actually), the musicians, the guy with the pig nose, the guy smoking from a hookah. It added this texture that I'd never experienced before, and my young imagination went wild dreaming up these little stories for all these characters. Those were mostly guys in cheap masks, and there's no way that I'd cut them from the movie because they're extraneous or fluff the plot into a feature-length or anything like that. They don't matter, but they're vital. You wouldn't accuse Lucas of just throwing in a bunch of guys in masks because "they could," would you? Guys in masks...CGI...they both add color.
It's like Fleetwood Mac following "Rumours" with "Tusk". The first is a classic, but what are you gonna do as a follow-up? Let's double it! Let's try new stuff...stuff that will appeal to new fans, too. Show our range. Sure, the first was smooth genius, and the second is full of jarring, unwanted stuff, but there are still a few undeniable great hits, so it's still a success, right?
I'll make this easy. Everything with Darth Maul is brilliant, especially the double lightsaber intro and Williams' awesome music. I have watched those fight scenes maybe 60 times, but that means I have also watched the Ani stuff 60 times, and I resent it.
The first two "Star Wars" films had originality and flow (we're not going into Ewoks). They took you for a ride unlike anything you had ever seen. This first prequel has little originality, and has 82 grating scenes or lines that take me completely out of the movie. A stupid pun here, an annoying child actor there, some dull politics now, some ridiculous slapstick scene later. Throw in some weird force science and you're set. There is NO flow at all to this movie. I can't get into the album because every other song doesn't deserve to be there and that makes me mad.
Again, I really like your stream-of-consciousness review style, but there is no way this movie can't be viewed as a huge disappointment compared to the first two movies. A 13.
I don't know Fleetwood Mac from the Eagles, but I like your analogy.
I should know this better than you, but does 'The Phantom Menace' have the stupid puns? I don't think those show up until C3PO goes to that droid-makin' factory in Ep. II and George Lucas loses his fucking mind.
I'm assuming "weird force science" is a reference to midichlorians. As a non-religious fellow, don't you prefer some sort of explanation instead of the force having this abstract mystical quality? Actually, you don't need to answer that because it is pretty dumb.
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