Iron Man 2

2010 sequel

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Tony Stark deals with the fame of being the titular hero while at the same time knowing that he is probably dying from his science not working very well. Or something. I really have a hard time understanding this shit. I'm too stupid for your average blockbuster.

This movie was really dumb. First, there's no flashback scenes with Jeff Bridges riding on a Segway while smoking a cigar. I'm surprised the studio even greenlit this sequel without insisting that there's at least fifteen minutes with Bridges on that Segway in this movie. Then, they fill this with a bunch of dumbass scenes. Tony Stark spontaneously deciding to drive a race car at the same race that the Wrestler decides to show up and unleash his lightning whips? Is that synchronicity or is that just cheap writing? Then, there are two Iron Men, one of them the same black guy from the first movie who is being played by a different black man. They fight and tear up a house before Black Iron Man sulks away. Meanwhile, the ubiquitous Sam Rockwell, an actor I really enjoy, hams it up with the kind of gusto we haven't seen in a villain since Hackman in those Superman sequels. Mickey Rourke's a Russian scientist, and although Mickey Rourke--Russian scientist sort of feels like an oxymoronic weapon capable of imploding the entire universe, he's really pretty good. Well, at least he's interesting. I like my villains with a generous amount of humor (like Hackman in those Superman movies), and there's a lot to like about Rourke's Ivan Stinko or whatever his bad guy name when he's doing normal human stuff--building stuff, sulking, sitting in a prison cell, talking to Sam Rockwell. All the action scenes with his character are really stupid though, and he's really not much of a foe for Iron Man or the other Iron Man. And then Nick Fury comes along ("I'm going to have to ask you to exit the donut.") and brings Scarlett Johansson with him. My God! That Scarlett Johansson is something, isn't she? She really is the perfect woman. She gets to kick people while wearing that tight black Black Widow outfit, and there are a couple guys who are knocked out of commission in this in ways that could make the average warm-blooded male swoon. That's it--it's settled. When I die, I want the cause of death to be Scarlett Johansson's legs, probably while listening to her sing a Tom Waits song. There's plenty of action and a climax with a lot of cool flying effects and explosions that I could write about, but I'm way too distracted right now.