Animal Passions

2004 documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A documentary look at zoophilia, the scientific name for people who enjoy boinking animals or being boinked by animals.

A couple things before I get started. First, don't be fooled by that poster, one that I'm not even sure is for this British television documentary. You might be interested in seeing this thinking there will be a scene where a woman makes love to a bird. Alas, there are no scenes of any human having sex with an animal.

Second, you should be aware--if you haven't read any of my blog and don't already know--that I am not really mature enough for a documentary about bestiality. I'm not mature enough for documentaries about penis museums either.

I heard about this documentary when reading one of my favorite annual articles--the A.V. Club's "Year in Band Names." A band named itself after a line from one of the zoophiles interviewed in this when he talked about JTRHNBIR--Just the Right Height, No Bucket Is Required.

This is a subjective look at an issue that I'm sure a lot of people have very firm opinions about--some firmer than others if you know what I mean. Director Christopher Spencer passes no judgement on his subjects, just lets them do all the talking. And like all good documentaries, some interesting ideas are raised and you learn a few things. I thought the idea that the cute sex therapist raised an interesting idea when contrasting people's views of sex with animals (abusive according to an overwhelming majority) and animals being forced to work or killed for food (not abusive, according to most people).

Here's what I learned from Animal Passions:

--Dog love foreplay.
--I probably should have studied to be a sexologist, a job that is real.
--A guy married his horse, a portion of this that unfortunately reminded me that Jerry Springer exists.
--Christianity ruined bestiality for everybody.
--Mare orgasms are called maregasms.
--Stallions masturbate.

Of course, I'm not really interested in learning things which is why I don't watch a ton of documentaries. No, I'm more interested in giggling. And it was hard not to when hearing people say things like the following:

"Girl pussy, pony pussy. Pussy!" (That might also be a good band name.)
"I wasn't aware that my wife was aware that I had reestablished an intimate relationship with my mare."
"Oh, my God! I'm gonna have puppies!"
And, of course, the absolutely wonderful "Just the right height, no bucket is required."

My spellcheck is trying to tell me that "maregasms" is not a word.

Question for my readers: If you had to make love to an animal, what kind of animal would you choose?

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