Simon Says

2006 crapfest

Rating: 4/20

Plot: Some college kids go camping in a remote location and are terrorized by two Crispin Glovers armed with pickaxes.

That's right, Crispin Glover fans. You get to double your pleasure with this one. And his dad, former Torgo award winner Bruce Glover, is in this, too. He stinks it up in a limited role, but not as much as his children, twins played by actual twins Chad and Chris Cunningham. It's got to be the worst acting by twins ever which isn't right because they're playing young versions of the greatest actor of all time. And speaking of Crispin, just imagine this for a moment: Crispin Glover playing a mentally-challenged character and his twin, both with accents that convince you they're both supposed to be mentally-challenged. Sometimes, especially when he's called a retard or crazy, he gets mad. His character stomps on a dog and then exclaims, "Puppy sleepy!" He delivers some of the worst puns you'll ever hear--"How about a hand sandwich?!"--and gets lines like "I like this game. Make you special present for my dream. Everybody want to play this game. Oh, I like this game" that make you wonder if it was all written that badly or if Glover was just butchering his lines and everybody went along with it because he was the only famous person in the movie. Oh, wait a second. On some covers of the dvd of this movie, it has Blake Lively's name right up there. This was before she was famous for whatever she's famous for, and she's really only in this movie for about 3 1/2 minutes. Still she's Blake Lively, somebody I've heard of! There are three other Livelys in this movie, too (possibly a Lively record) so one can only assume that somebody in the Lively family produced this.  But back to Crispin because he carries this kids-in-the-woods-with-a-killer cliche on his shoulders and turns it into a comic masterpiece. In fact, a conversation one of his characters has that ends with him yelling, "Sorry! I'm just a little tense here!" might be the most comical thing I've seen all year. Or maybe it's his prayer--"Oh, God. [Moaning] [More Moaning] Let's eat." Or his explanation of "the devil's cry." Or maybe the line "Now that's what I call a fatty!" which I can't believe hasn't become an Internet meme. Aside from Glover's decision to make this an uproarious comedy, this movie is a complete disaster. The dialogue's inane ("How a one-armed man counts his chain" might be the most pointless thing I've ever seen), the story and its characters have all the cliches that The Cabin in the Woods poked fun at, and the special effects are awful. There are flying pickaxes, an effect that not only looked completely stupid but didn't make any sense at all. That's almost topped a little later on by some fire effects. There's plenty of gruesome violence if that gets you off. And I was really confused with the twin thing. You ever watch a movie where there seems to be a twist, but you catch on so quickly that you wonder if there was even supposed to be a twist? That's kind of what happened there. I lost track of what was going on with the pair of twin Glovers, and at one point, I convinced myself there was a twist within a twist within another twist.

A well-timed Wilhelm scream makes me wonder if this whole thing is nothing but a joke. I wouldn't put it past William Dear, the director of Harry and the Hendersons.

Reservoir Dogs (Redux)

1992 Tarantino film

Rating: 18/20 (Dylan: 14/20)

Plot: My son is going to college soon, and his pool of pop culture knowledge is despicably shallow. I'd be remiss as a father if I didn't attempt to do something about it. When I thought about how he might be sitting in a dorm room some day and have to hear "What? You've never seen Pulp Fiction?", it made me sad. He didn't want to watch Reservoir Dogs until I tricked him into it by telling him there would be talking dogs.

Dylan's thoughts: It was pretty good.
Me: Is that all you want to say? That's pretty lame.
Dylan: It's good enough.

I already have this movie on the blog right here. The rating hasn't changed. I have nothing intelligent to add and more than likely had nothing intelligent to say in the first place. This and Pulp Fiction--the next Tarantino movie I'm making Dylan watch, tricking him this time by convincing him that it's a documentary about orange juice--are endlessly rewatchable. This one is a much simpler story about honorable criminals paying for their crimes, and although the structure is different from its cousins, it's not got the thematic complexity or variety of Tarantino's second movie. It still manages to seem so fresh though. In fact, the director's flair almost stands out more. This time through, I really focused on the relationship between Tim Roth and Harvey Keitel's characters. There's a lingering attention to these two and their emotions. It's not just the dialogue but how much weight is given to the situation which makes what ultimately happens to them pretty moving. These are movie criminals, barely more than cartoons, but they've got flesh, and when they bleed, they seem to bleed in ways that matter. The way all the characters come to life is amazing, a combination of quality acting, writing, and story organization. There's not a bad acting apple in the bunch unless you're as annoyed by Tarantino's skills as much as I used to be. But it's not like he's around all that long. Roth's pain is especially cartoonish, and he always sounds like Bobcat Goldthwaite to me. And his practice sessions telling that story about the drug-sniffing dog don't seem all that natural. However, everything that somebody could say is wrong about his performance in Reservoir Dogs should be forgotten with his expression after he shoots that woman. That's so perfect. Keitel oozes cool, compulsive hair combing and all. The way he reassures Roth's character--"I didn't know you were a doctor!"--makes me laugh. Buscemi's Mr. Pink is classically greasy, and it's one of those characters that you just can't imagine another person being able to pull off. His activities during the Mexican stand-off also make me laugh. And his running after the failed heist when he knocks over a guy on the sidewalk produces the greatest use of the Wilhelm Scream that I have ever heard. In fact, I'll go ahead and say that it's the greatest use that I'll ever hear because I don't think it can be topped. I think I could listen to Buscemi and Tierney's argument about the Mr. Pink name every day and not get tired of it. Madsen's Vic Vega is a character that doesn't make much sense at all and probably couldn't survive outside of a Tarantino movie. The ear scene is always a little hard to watch for me, but you have to love a character who stops for a soft drink after a heist-gone-wrong. "Are you going to bark all day, little doggy, or are you going to bite?" is a great line, but how about your last words being a quote from The Wizard of Oz? That just seems like an impossible way for a violent criminal to go.

Ok, I'm going to digress. If you were about to die, which quote from The Wizard of Oz would you want to be your last words? I know what I wouldn't want it to be--"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" Maybe "What puts the 'ape' in apricot?" would be a good one just because it would be "Rosebud"-y enough to make people wonder what the hell I was talking about. How about "I can barely hear my heart beating"?

I also like Madsen's little dance. The aforementioned Tierney is great, too, such a cool old man. Two more things I really like about this movie: 1) The way Stephen Wright pronounces the word "behemoth" and 2) that message to Tony above a doorway--"Watch your head."

Team America: World Police

2004 marionette action movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A stage actor joins the titular terrorist busters, stops a group of terrorists in Egypt with the help of his acting abilities, and then must face Kim Jong Il who is planning to use his weapons of mass destruction to take over the world.

There are a lot of movies that I like that nobody else seems to like very much. I get it most of the time. I don't blame or criticize anybody for not liking Eraserhead. But this one I have trouble understanding. Not even South Park fans seem to like this much at all, and I don't understand why. For me, this is easily the most brilliant and brilliantly executed and consistently humorous thing that Parker and Stone have ever done. They nail big dumb Michael Bay-esque action movies, and the satire is just perfect. Of course, I was sold within the first few moments of the movie when there's a marionette who has his own marionette and a mime. All within seconds! And you get to see puppets engaging in fisticuffs including a guy vs. terrorist fight sequence near the beginning that includes the Crane Technique. And yes, there's the infamous marionette sex scene which is not only one of my favorite sex scenes ever but one that should be required viewing for all newlyweds. These puppets are awesome. I'm easily entertained anyway, so something as simple as getting to see marionettes "walk" around is enough to please me. Still, the way they give these little figures facial expressions and all gives them this realism and makes them seem like better actors than the people who are usually in movies like this. The sets are absolutely amazing with this surprising amount of details. I always imagine Parker and Stone catching part of this on television (because in my mind, they're always in the same room as each other) and saying, "I can't believe we made this thing!" Like most of their stuff, this is also a musical, and the songs are also pretty great. There's a wonderfully catchy song about AIDS, a dumber-than-dumb "Freedom Isn't Free" song which is stupid enough to seem real until a line about how "Freedom costs a dollar fifty" line, fist-pump-inducing "America, Fuck Yeah!" that should probably replace our current national anthem, Jong Il's number about how rone-ry he is, and the brilliant "We're Gonna Need a Montage." The big swing and miss is a song devoted to making fun of the Pearl Harbor movie. Aside from a bit of political jabbing that is pretty harsh on both liberal and conservative ideals, there are plenty of goofy moments that just make me laugh. I don't like all the meta-jokes that draw attention to the fact that the characters are marionettes. Those didn't need to be there. But I laugh every single time I even think about that Matt Damon puppet and his repeated single line. And "No me gusta!" makes me smile. And the line "When you see Alec Baldwin, you see the true ugliness of human nature." Oh, and the line "I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees." A hammer slid across a table, Kim Jong Il's panthers, the gruesome deaths of many Hollywood stars. Seriously, somebody tell me what's not to like here! That's a rhetorical exclamation, by the way, so you don't really have to answer. Bonus nods for a strong use of the Wilhelm Scream and an allusion to the cantina scene in A New Hope. This might not be a perfect movie, but I challenge you to find a movie this freakin' funny that also contains an extended scene of marionettes having sex.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

2011 action movie

Rating: 25/20

Plot: The titular guy with the flaming skull has to fight the devil in order to save not only a boy's life but the entire world. Bring it on!

This whole movie feels like the cover of a heavy metal album that has come to live for the purpose of eating your stinking soul. That's especially true of flaming motorcycle cam scenes where Nic Cage's face starts contorting and getting all Ghost-Ridery. It's pretty badass. This sequel or reboot or whatever it is is a lot better than the first movie although that honestly doesn't say a lot. No, it's not a true 25/20, but there's a scene where the Ghost Rider pisses fire. And oh my God that might be the best thing that I've ever seen--Cage standing on the back of a moving truck demonstrating with some of his own flaming urine sound effects is magical all by itself, but when it changed to the Ghost Rider pissing fire, looking back at the audience, definitely breaking that fourth wall, and nodding his skull head? Holy hell, that's something to behold! It made me wonder if there was something I could buy in a toy store--similar to Hulk hands that make smashing noises or a Captain America shield--that would allow children to urinate flames. I'm a little confused about Ghost Rider's superpowers actually. Apparently, he can eat bullets, spin around while perpendicular about five feet in the air, survive missiles, turn all vehicles he drives into fire vehicles, and make people explode with a chain. And, of course, he can piss fire. The general tone of this movie feels different than it did with that first movie, but I'm probably not remembering it very well. There's almost non-stop action, right from the get-go with some crazy shaky-cam monastery kidnapping action and a car chase scene, but this also feels a lot more tongue-in-cheek. There's a humor I either don't remember or was too distracted to see. Nicolas Cage doesn't laugh at a monkey in this movie though. Cage's performance adds to his legendary list of unhinged credits. There's a scene where the Ghost Rider does a cute little dance while a nondescript bad guy says "Get some" which was nice, but the best scene is where he really loses his shit, makes himself twitch like no other actor is capable of doing, laughs like no other actor can laugh, and says "Scratching at the door, scratching at the door!" in this unearthly falsetto. He also threatens to eat somebody's stinking soul. He also narrates a bit (of course, because he's Nicolas Cage), reminds me of The Wicker Man remake with a line about bees, and gets a terrific line that I think might have been lifted from an original draft of Die Hard--"Merry Christmas, you assholes!" That line had to be improvised. And Nicolas Cage has to be on drugs. I also liked the too-brief performance of a guy playing a Swedish hippie who says, "Dude, what happened?" There are lots of "dudes" in this movie actually. And enough references to Twinkies to make me wonder if Hostess had some kind of deal. I can't imagine a urinating Ghost Rider being on a box of Twinkies next to the Twinkie cowboy with his lasso. Despite all the moments in this movie with a raw sublimity that will likely make you either spew blood or ejaculate right in your pants, this movie is a whole lot of dumb. When the devil gives the main bad guy the "power of decay," it apparently also involves giving him bad blond hair for some reason, and he succeeds in looking stupid rather than menacing. A big motorcycle stunt has either the dumbest or greatest musical selection backing it--a guitar-driven song with the lyrics "I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch in my jeans." There's the randomly jerking camera, a trick I don't normally like in action movies and that here seems even more irritating. There's an unnecessary dig at Jerry Springer, and a subtitle that read "All chanting in demonic language." And a climactic fight scene on top of moving vehicles was about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and I had just seen a leather-clad flaming-skulled guy urinating fire about an hour before. I did laugh at a whispered "Roadkill" that punctuated that fight though. I did appreciate a very obvious Wilhelm scream though. This movie is far from great, but at least it's a consistently entertaining bad movie.

L.A. Confidential

1997 movie

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Following a massacre at a diner, three 1950's Los Angeles cops--a by-the-book youngster with a tragic past, a thuggish veteran with a special hatred for wife beaters (men who beat women, not the shirts), and another veteran more concerned with his own fame and wallet weight--uncover corruption.

I think all movies should start with Danny DeVito. The plot of this one confused me the first time I watched it. I finished it, enjoyed it, turned to a friend sitting beside me, and said, "I'm not even sure what happened during a lot of that." Of course, since nobody was actually watching the movie with me, I wasn't exactly lucid anyway. I really feel like this movie pulled its punches. Don't get me started on the ending which puts the capital H in front of ollywood. The movie should have ended with Guy Pearce flashing his badge, and you're not going to convince me otherwise. And the makers of this really tease us with Kim Basinger who could have been a lot more naked. She does have the perfect look for this sort of femme fatale role and does a nice job. Really everybody is almost given a role that is perfect for them. Pearce is good, even when they put glasses on him. The Crowe (that's what I'm calling him), for whatever reason, is a very realistic tough-guy-with-temper. And Spacey and DeVito are terrific in their sleazy roles. And you have to love James Cromwell who I think is the best of the bunch. I'll tell you, when you put him in a situation where he's not talking to a pig, that guy's as menacing as they come. There's a lot of interesting stuff packed into this almost-Shakespearean tragedy--racism, Hollywood and the nature of tabloid, greed and corruption, pornography, what shapes us as human beings/determinist philosophy. And I really like how 50's L.A. is created here. The costumes, the music, the settings, the dialogue, etc. all recall the earlier noir films this pays homage to, and the clash between the sparkling time and place--these almost peachy-keen 1950's--and its much darker underbelly really is what drives this movie and makes it pretty special. The complexities of this story fit together so well, and its twists and turns are interesting even when you're seeing this for a second or third or fourth time. The biggest tragedy is that this (and Boogie Nights, and probably almost every other movie released that year) lost to Titanic for Best Picture. Somebody should be embarrassed about that. L.A. Confidential is a great old-school movie movie, arguably one of the best made in the last twenty years. It could have done without all the glitz and gleam of Hollywood though in a sort of strange way, that fits thematically.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark Redux

1981 adventure

Rating: 20/20 (Jen: 16/20; Dylan: 20/20; Emma: 16.5/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: The titular archeologist/professor globetrots in search for Noah's boat. He runs into some Nazis, a group of people who historically weren't very nice.

I've already written poorly about this movie twice, but Abbey picked it for family movie night. It's not one that I'll complain about having to watch again. That's part of the beauty of the thing. It's more than likely the film that I've seen the most times with the possible exception of Toy Story. Anyway, I'm dividing my thoughts into three categories for this--questions, noticings, and things-I-freaking-love.

Questions:

How can this be rated PG? It's got face melting/exploding. Face exploding, by the way, would be a horrible way to go, wouldn't it?

What's the body count? Next time I watch this, I'm counting.

Where the hell did Belloq get that goofy outfit and that staff? The only thing I can think of is that there must be a Ark-Opening Clothes "R" Us on that creepy island.

Speaking of that creepy island, how's Indy ride on the outside of a submarine for the distance shown on the map? Dylan explained that submarines are faster when they surface, so they probably wouldn't have gone under. If not, then why would they even use a submarine in that situation?

Is that Ralph Macchio preparing dates?

Why don't the Germans wonder why there are people off digging in a different place from everybody else? Belloq eventually notices them, but you'd think somebody would walk up to them and ask, "What the heck are you digging here for?"

How do you get a monkey to Heil Hitler salute? Or are monkeys just naturally hateful creatures? I wouldn't put it past them.

How many extras were in this movie? The big dig, the streets of Cairo. There are so many people in this!

How can Indy fans have so much of a problem with aliens and refrigerators in the new movie but not have a problem with melting faces and burning crates in this one? And speaking of the swastika burning scene, what's up with that rat? He looks like he's about to boogie.

Was Shooby LaBoof conceived on a submarine? I'm going to have to check the date for that fourth movie! If he was, it explains a lot.

Noticings:

All these movies start with monoliths, don't they? Or maybe just a plain rock.

There's a lot of man screaming in this movie. 1) The guy with the stocking cap screams at the statue as they're trudging through the forest. 2) Alfred Molina screams like a woman at a skeleton. I also freaking love how that skeleton turns his head to glance at Molina. 3) Toht (a role turned down by Klaus Kinski if you believe a word that guy says) gives his first girly scream when he grabs the hot medallion. Hot Medallion would be a great band name, by the way. 4) Random guy with turban screams when the Well of Souls is opened. Then there's Sallah's "Eeahahahhaheh" which, at the very least, isn't all that feminine. 5) The cobwebby skeletons in the Well of Souls scream. That makes even less sense than all of those different kinds of snakes living in there. 6) Toht gives the best scene of the movie during once the spirits from the ark start wreaking havoc until 7) the guy who screams after him manages to top it!

Scream bonus: The Wilhelm Scream is used when a dude spills from the back of the truck in the big chase scene.

The natives with their spears and blowguns are as accurate as the stormtroopers in the Star Wars movies. And a bonus question. There were a lot of spears being thrown in that chase scene. Once you're an extra in that scene who has thrown his spear--you know, shot your wad--do you keep chasing? You were probably handed another spear, right?

The guy trying to outdrink Marion looks like George Wendt, Norm from Cheers. I don't think that's a coincidence. All guys who look like that are big drinkers.

Indy almost consumes that "bad date" several times. It's a neat little detail.

The map room has an obelisk. I'm too lazy to see if that is architecturally correct. I had Indiana Jones actions figures and a map room, by the way. That's a really cool scene in the movie with the beam of light and Indy brushing away sand, but it wasn't all that fun to reenact in your bedroom. Also, there's one building in the map room that looked like it had been tagged. Was a street gang down there at one point or did the Nazis mark it?

Things I Freaking Love about This Movie:

That first shot of Indy--absolutely iconic. Framed by waterfall and mist, quick edited shots of bullwhip frenzy, Jones stepping out from the shade. So awesome. To think that Indy was almost Tom Selleck makes me slightly ill.

Indy's shadow on the wall of Marion's bar. Also so awesome. And I love their dynamics in that scene with dialogue perfection. You find out just enough about their past without it seeming like it was written in a script just so the audience could catch up.

Sallah: "Why does the floor move?" At this point, by the way, Jennifer informed me that she had never seen this movie all the way through. What the hell?

Toph! Love his beady little eyes. His little giggle--once when he walks past Belloq after they seal Indy and Marion in the Well of Souls and later after the ark is opened. And his hanger is the most bad ass hanger in movie history. And yes, I'm including the hangers in Birdemic: Shock and Terror. And that bald head of Toph's? It's nefarious.

I love how Indy fights so dirty during the brawl with that big bald Nazi guy--dirt in the eyes, using a chunk of wood as a weapon, the old point-at-your-opponent's-shoe-to-divert-his-attention trick.

How Belloq says "idiot."

Head explosion!

"It's not the years. It's the mileage."

The way Indy saves Molina by grabbing his belt. Poor Molina, by the way. This was his first movie, I think, and he starts his career by having tarantulas all over him, screaming like a girl, and getting killed by a booby trap that he had already seen which makes him one of the dumbest characters ever.

That gunfight in Marion's place? The best ever, the type that can make me type in hyperbole! But that motley crew of thuggery, the "Whisky?" from Indy, a guy punching with an arm that is on fire? All sans music, just the crackling fire, the rat-a-tat gunfire, breaking bottles. What a terrific scene.

Another action sequence--the Cairo street brawling. It's lively and exciting in the midst of an adventure story, but there's such a personality with the fight scenes. There's humor mixed in with the mayhem, all while Harrison Ford's got the runs.

And that guy who Marion threatens with a pan only to watch him pull out a knife? The dude's teeth are even scarier than his blade!

I love the mystical guy with the high-pitched voice they visit. You know he's a mystic because he's wearing bright blue and has his own telescope.

Terry Bradshaw's "Waa-ehh" as he gets run over. And before that, the "Let's see how you like it!" toss out the front window. Indy's so pissed. Before that, there's a shot of a guy on the windshield and Indy and his passenger look at each other and laugh. That guy's expression and the shared laugh of enemies makes me smile just thinking about it.

Indy putting his hat on against a sunset backdrop--just beautiful. That is one evil-looking sky as they find the edges on top the Well of Souls.

Not everybody likes the music in this (I'm eyeing you here, Laurence), but I love it. It's the soundtrack for my childhood outside play. That's the music I heard when I ran around my backyard with a fake gun and an invisible whip, and it's the music I heard when I stepped up the plate in the last inning of a baseball game in college with a chance to drive home the winning runs. In this movie--the familiar music when Indy, fleeing from 15,000 natives while dust from the cave flies off him in that terrific scene, swings from a vine like Shooby LaBoof and dives into the water. Boom!

After the booby-trap-packed cave climaxing with a fiberglass boulder chase, I'm hooked forever. If you're not, you're a child without a heartbeat.

Top men. Endless boxes. Where was that shot? That place has to really exist. What's in all the boxes? Other than dead alien bodies, of course.

What did I miss? What do you love about this movie?

Fight Club

1999 movie

Rating: 18/20

Plot: An office worker befriends a soap maker on an airplane. Love triangles and fisticuffs ensue. They form the titular club, something that I'm probably not even supposed to be typing about. It's all fun and games until somebody suggests blowing stuff up and a guy with man tits gets a hole in his head.

Oh, man. This one's so dense! Dense and endlessly entertaining, a film with the substance to match its bombastic style, one that just shimmers. I remember watching this for the first time back when I lived in a yellow house. It shook me, and I thought about the movie for days and days. I even lost sleep because of the movie. Of course, it did completely ruin Chuck Palahniuk novels for me because they suddenly all had the same exact narrator--Edward Norton. Ah, Edward Norton. I don't know if I want to even like you since my wife's got a thing for you, but you're just so good in every movie you're in. And anytime an actor can make me not hate narration, that's a plus. The way he screams, "The first person to come out of this fucking door gets a lead salad, you understand?" or explains that "This chick Marla Singer did not have testicular cancer" and was a liar. The way he catches a giant bag of liposuctioned fat. The way he stares at a CGI penguin. But mostly that fight he has with himself in his bosses office? That scene is off the hook (as the kids would say). And Brad Pitt is just electric, always about a scream and a point-at-his-own-head away from transforming right into Nicolas Cage right on the screen. The performance is so good that you just can't imagine anybody else rocking that ironic (iconic?) bathrobe or swinging those nunchucks. Both performances bring out the subtle-and-not-subtle-at-all dark dark comedy in this story. And the movie is very funny. Just listen to Helena Bonham Carter (she's about perfect, too, and very sexy in kind of a filthy way) and Pitt's orgasmic outbursts, or better yet, just try to figure out what's going on when Norton interrupts a love-making session of theirs and Pitt comes out of the room with giant rubber gloves. A personal favorite bit of comedy is the look the woman at the thrift store gives when Norton announces, "I want bowel cancer." And Meat Loaf is in this! With tits! Tom Waits also gets a song in there, the delirious "Goin' Out West," and did I hear incorrectly or was there a Wilhelm during the plane crash fantasy? Fight Club's a movie that begs you to watch it again and again, one of those in which you might pick up a little something new during subsequent viewings. Did I notice the Tyler glitchiness the first time? That first non-glitchy shot of Tyler at the airport--what a line there. This is a movie about the balance between accepting life as it is and complete nihilism, about people--especially men--actually feeling something. You know, like a punch to the nose.

Reservoir Dogs

1992

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A gaggle of criminals attempt to steal some jewels, but it doesn't turn out very well.

Still fresh--20 years later. It's a canned food movie. I could complain about Tarantino as an actor. You know, I think I will complain about Tarantino as an actor. No, the movie's wouldn't be the same without him in there, but that doesn't mean he should have been in there. When he "acts," it just looks like he's about to bust into a series of uncontrollable giggles. Still, it somehow manages to fit, just like these criminals discussing Madonna and arguing over tipping manages to work. I could watch Harvey Kietel kicking somebody for hours, and I even like Tim Roth here, even when he seems to be channeling Bobcat Goldthwait. Verbose and wormy Buscemi, unhinged and shuffling Madsen, Chris Penn rocking that track suit. I'm sure if Tarantino had a do-over, he'd put Chris Penn in a pair of Zubaz. And then there's Laurence Tierney who kicks everybody's ass, both on screen and probably literally. It's amazing to me that Tarantino had such a command of things with this first effort. The plot is effortlessly complex, fragmented in a way that manages to enhance the feelings involved with these characters. His characterization, dialogue, use of music, utilization of the Wilhelm Scream, and numerous left-turns look like the work of a guy who has made at least two movies! It's the work of an auteur and something that, after you're finished, makes you say, "Wow! That was as cool as it gets!"

Has anybody seen the Asian movie that Tarantino ripped off with this?

And hey, readers, do you know what I just discovered? Zubaz pants are only $29.99 on the Zubaz website. You should check it out!

Dragon Wars: D-War

2007 fightin' dragon movie

Rating: 4/20

Plot: A reporter who coincidentally happens to be the reincarnation of a wizard's nipple investigates some dragon business. He has to locate Sarah, the reincarnation of some dragon princess or something, in order to save Los Angeles from dragon fury. D-War!

It looks as if South Korea spent a ton to make this movie which possibly makes them some of the dumbest people on earth. Here's how the pitch probably went:

Guys with idea for a dragon movie: OK, so we need approximately a zillion dollars.
Studio executive: A zillion dollars? (taps pen on desk) That seems like an awful lot of money.
Guys with idea for a dragon movie: Well, we've got a golden idea!
Studio executive: Fine, let's here what you've got.
Guys with zillion dollar dragon movie idea: OK, so it's called Dragon Wars and the whole thing's about these. . .
Studio executive: (breaking pen in half with excited fingers) Hold on right there! Did you say Dragon Wars? We're in!

Because who needs a story, right? You've got fucking dragons fighting in Los Angeles! All you need are some big special effects, some loud noises, and an audience dumb enough to pay for movie tickets. This certainly is a big, loud movie. And you know what? I'm just going to say it. People who enjoy this movie are probably really dumb. I don't even care if I just offended any of my 4 1/2 readers. I don't feel like wasting time typing coherent thoughts, so here's a list of this movie's offenses in no particular order:

--Two narrators within the first three minutes--that's two narrators too many!
--At 6:45, we get a flashback. At 11:20, we get a flashback for the character who is having a flashback. Then, a little later, there's a flashback within a flashback within a flashback. Come on! I can't keep up with all that!
--Imoogi. Enough said. The thing's called Imoogi.
--Quick edits during the action scenes made me dizzy and sick to my stomach.
--The bad guy makes me laugh everything that I see him. He's taking his bad-guy-ness way too seriously and should not be walking around Los Angeles dressed like that. And his magic sword thing? I really got sick of seeing that one.
--Terrible acting that doesn't mesh with the big, big effects. You'll have a giant dragon bursting through a building, and then, not exactly with good timing, a very staged reaction. It's almost like there wasn't even a real giant dragon!
--A kissing scene on the beach? Sure, why not?
--The special effects are ugly and unnatural. The dragon slithering through streets left blurs of damage, but it didn't look good at all. The dragon stuff looked fine. The setting detail around the dragons? Not so much.
--There's a fucking dragon wrecking Los Angeles and nobody seems to know about it? What the hell? The characters say, "There was a rumor that a dragon knocked down an entire hospital but we can't verify it." That doesn't make any sense!

At one point, one of the characters says, "None of this makes sense." I agreed completely. I never thought I'd find a movie that made me wish I was watching one of the Transformers, but this one did. This movie made me angry, and I don't think I'll be seeing a Korean monster movie for a very long time after this trio of crappy movies.

Box Elder

2008 college comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A group of friends experience college together. They misbehave, fall in love, eat each other's Chinese food, trash an apartment, party, occasionally go to class, and party more.

This was recommended to me by a drunk Kent, and this free-flowing and nearly plotless look at college life, like a Dada Dazed and Confused maybe, really got me. I chortled at the antics of these characters who, to be honest, I could in no way identify with and who didn't seem all that realistic to me. A lot of it has to do with the comic timing and chemistry between the principles. I'm not sure how much of this was improvised, but it's got that feel, and it's one of those cases where I'm not sure how the performers kept from giggling at each other's shenanigans on screen. It also feels like it was filmed over a long period of time, probably on weekends or whenever a few of the actors could get together, a real labor of love. Cheap, irreverent, and destined for cult classic status if enough people bother finding it. There are so many gags stuffed in this thing that it demands multiple viewings. It's something I'd probably watch again which says a lot. Or maybe it doesn't say anything. Anyway, I'll look forward to seeing what else young director Todd Sklar does.

Toy Story

1995 movie

Rating: 20/20 (Jen: 20/20; Abbey: 19/20)

Plot: Cowboy Woody is Andy's favorite toy. Andy goes everywhere and does everything with Woody--helps him stop antagonistic potato heads with diabolical schemes, throws him around, repeatedly smacks his groin on a stair railing. Woody and the other toys are happy. Until the threatening arrival of a new spaceman toy, Buzz Lightyear. Wait a second. The characters' names are Woody and Buzz? That seems kind of dirty.

Go ahead and try to argue with me that this isn't a 20/20. Go ahead. I dare you, readers. An impressive start to Pixar's reign of delight with terrific "new" animation (Jen and I saw this in the theater without the one child we had; I was mesmerized) and wonderful characters. The Pixar peeps hit a home run right away with a story that has their unique brand of humor and heart and creative spirit and depth. The often funny and exciting and occasionally touching and (surprisingly) human story's aided by a lively score from the ubiquitous Randy Newman. The voice talent, especially stars Tom Hanks and Tim Allen who were not Pixar's first choices, are great, adding real personalities to the characters. This is not my favorite Pixar movie, and when you've watched it over a thousand times (bad parents that we are, we let Dylan watch it over and over again after it came out on video), you notice some flaws, mostly continuity errors. For example, Andy must live in a tower or something because I'm pretty sure he's got windows on every wall in his room at some point in the movie. The "You're flying!" moment still gives me chills almost every time. Movie magic!

Note: If you care to read it, I do have an alternate "Andy is psychotic" reading of the movie. In it, the toys are of course not actually alive, Sid is actually Andy, Andy's mother is chopped up and stuffed in a toy box, and Pizza Planet is the cafeteria at an asylum.

Toy Story 3

2010 cartoon

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 17/20; Dylan: 15/20; Emma: 20/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: The mouse is getting behind on his payments to keep Walt Disney's head cryogenically frozen, and after a failed attempt at a bakesale--failed because of pre-sale rumors abounding involving Goofy and perverse activity and cupcakes--they decide it's time to wheel out Woody and Buzz and the other toys and make another Toy Story movie. They struggle to find a plot and eventually decide to just redo the one from Toy Story 2 with a few twists and a whole bunch of new characters because then they can make a lot more money with action figures, etc. "Because kids," the mouse said, "will even want toys based on characters who were only in the movie for a few seconds."

Don't get me wrong though. I loved seeing a brand new Toy Story movie, and this has to be considered one of the most successful and maybe even the best trilogy of all time. Most of the success comes from the audience already knowing and loving all these characters. Parents and their children have seen the other two Toy Stories dozens of times, so you go into this third one with Woody, Buzz, et. al. already feeling like you grew up with these toys or that they're your best friends. If they are your best friends, however, you really should go out and meet some actual people. So there's no wasted time or need for a lengthy exposition, and the previously-developed characters just slide right into the newish story. Newish instead of new, by the way, because there are quite a few parallels between this and its predecessor. The story is a little tidier than number two, and the animation is a lot better than either of the others although the toys thankfully haven't been given any kind of technological upgrade to make them look better than the very first installment of their story. But the human characters look a lot better and move a lot more naturally than in the other movies. The parts of Toy Story 3 with humans (good to see Sid again!) really couldn't have been done when the first movie came out. And the atmosphere and backgrounds are also vastly improved, creating a ton more depth than we had the first time we met these guys. When the characters are in peril in this movie, like in a genuinely frightening and intense scene where they are about to die, the background textures add to the mood. Compare that with the most frightening scene in Toy Story when Woody and Buzz are trapped in Sid's scary room, and the atmospheres in this new one blow the old stuff away. There were a lot of allusions to the first two movies, including a lot of repeated lines which sort of annoyed me, and there was also a continuation of the references to the original Star Wars trilogy. I also appreciated the references to prison escape movies with the toys' busting out of a daycare center. There was also something going on in that scene that I couldn't stop laughing at, so much that I really started feeling like a fool after a while. There are a ton of funny moments in this, but there are some pop culture references that seemed a little too easy, and I got to the point where I'd cringe whenever Barbie and Ken were on the screen. With over three hundred characters, including a nod to the wonderful My Neighbor Totoro, the screen is just filled with stuff to look at. It's a feast for the eyes. As a parent, this was a strangely emotional experience for me, but a lot of the tears seemed a little more forced in this one than in other Pixar features like Up. Very good movie, and like most Pixar movies, I look forward to seeing it again.

Ninja Assassin

2009 ode to stabbing

Rating: 9/20 (Mark: 6/20; Amy: 6 or 7/20)

Plot: Jack at the video store told us that there wasn't one. There was one, but it really didn't matter.

I don't know what the Wachowskis had to do with this, but somebody needs to stop them. If you look up "stylized violence" in the dictionary, you'll have a description of this movie. There's blood flying all over the place, mostly startlingly contrasting to a swampy darkness on the rest of the screen, probably to hide any lack of real kung-fu skills. I correctly predicted that there would be a decapitation within the first five minutes of the movie. My brother said that characters were losing more blood than people actually have in their bodies. I had to wring my shirt dry when the movie finally ended. I'm not saying that this much violence is necessarily a bad thing, but that's all this movie has going for it. There are some gorgeously brutal moments, some fine but ultimately repetitive action sequences, and some more brutally gorgeous moments. But that's it. You won't care about the characters, you'll stop worrying about what's going on, and you'll slap your forehead as things get more and more preposterous. It's all just a bunch of showing off, lots of "Look at what my computer can do!" moments, and I think any real ninja watching this movie would be offended. Lots of laughable dialogue, laughable bad acting, and laughable action scenes, most memorably a scene when ninjas are running against the highway. I looked this movie up and discovered that the Wachowskis didn't care much for the original script, and writer J. Michael Straczynski apparently finished his rewrite in just fifty-three hours. It shows. I did pick out a Wilhelm scream when a ninja is blown off a roof with a rocket launcher. Yeah. That's the type of movie this is. It's the type of movie the Academy usually loves, the type where you can watch ninjas being blown off roofs with rocket launchers. The problem isn't that it's impossible to take any of this nonsense seriously. The problem is that this nonsense takes itself way too seriously.

Inglourious Basterds

2009 realistic war movie

Rating: 18/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: In occupied France, Jewish-American soldiers brutally kill Nazis and collect their scalps. Meanwhile, pretty Shosanna, a young woman who witnessed the murder of her entire family after they were discovered hiding on a dairy farm, meets German war hero Fredrick Zoller. As he becomes more and more interested in her, she finds out that the movie theater she operates will be premiering Goebbels' new film, coincidentally the detailing of Zoller's heroism. She plots her revenge as the Basterds also plan how they can use the premiere to add to their scalp collection.

First off, Christoph Waltz as the "villain" in this movie is terrific. An early favorite for my actor of the year award. On the other hand, I'm not sure what to think about Brad Pitt here. His character and especially his accent don't make sense, and I'm not sure if that's because he's terrible or if I'm missing part of the point. He's a heroic hick, an homage (parody?) to Sergeant York maybe, and so goofy that it almost has to be intentional. This is a complex movie about the making of war movies, about revisionist history, about propaganda, and about the nature of heroism. This sucker's got depth, and more than any other movie I can remember seeing, it's really two films in one. You've got the very entertaining, very violent, and very humorous stuff on the surface, but there's so much subtext that it almost feels like a second movie underneath. This movie is a lot of fun to watch and a lot of fun to think about for a few days after you watch it. Tarantino toys with audience expectations and emotions enough to annoy a lot of people, but it's great seeing a director who is so sure of himself that he knows he can do anything he wants. It's almost to the point where the movie itself seems cocky. Other movies probably hate Inglourious Basterds because it's so stuck on itself and thinks it's all that. The extremely lengthy chunk of dialogue to start the movie, dialogue long enough to turn off anybody coming to the theater to see some war action and Tarantino stylized violence, is exceptionally gripping. Almost all the dialogue is great actually. The stylized violence is there, too, and it's also gripping. As with most of his work, Tarantino's movie wears its influences very well. There are more than a handful of scenes here, too many to mention them specifically, that are so amazingly executed that I had to pick my jaw up off the floor afterwards. An impressive work of art, and a huge comeback following Tarantino's dismally worthless little car movie.

Kung Fu Panda

2008 animated kung-fu movie

Rating: 12/20 (Jen: 13/20; Dylan: 6/20; Emma: 5/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: The title panda is the (adopted?) son of a soup cook who just happens to be some sort of bird. He enjoys eating. His dreams involve him evolving into a kung-fu master alongside his heroes, the Furious Five, who I believe got their name from an 80's rap group. When the turtle and mouse decide that it's time to pick a dragon warrior, all the villagers flock (some hop) to the top of a mountain to find out who it will be. The panda is (perhaps mistakenly) chosen, much to the chagrin of the monkey, the tigress, the snake, the stork, and the bug who have trained all their lives in order to someday become action figures and get their visages on boxes of fruit roll-ups. Meanwhile, a deadly kitty cat breaks out of prison and threatens to steal a scroll. Can the chosen panda be trained in time to defeat the deadly kitty cat? Oh, snap! He's too chubby!

Well, I like the idea of the movie better than the movie. As expected, it borrows heavily from traditional kung-fu movies, but it does so fairly clumsily, and the lack of character develop leaves me not really caring about what happens to any of them by the end. The movie looks fine even though the action sequences sort of blitz by and lack any of the real beauty of real martial arts movies. I was really hoping for an homage rather than a parody; unfortunately, this feels more like the latter too often. It's got that Dreamworks feel, but it at least doesn't have a bunch of unnecessary pop culture references. I'm not really sure what the problem was with 2/3 of my children although I do know that one of them is in a pretty bad mood and the other is always surly. Two of them are currently practicing their kung-fu while the third is making fun of them. One of them broke a tiny Christmas tree with some kind of rolling kick thing. Jen thought there were too many similarities between this and the Star Wars movies, but I think that might be more because of the similarities between the Star Wars movies and Kurosawa's samurai movies.

Ok, this makes 365 movies for the year 2008 alone. The Big Lebowski was the 365th movie from last December 27th. Take your pick with which movie completes my goal.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

2008 piece of galactic poo-poo

Rating: 4/20 (Dylan: 14/20; Emma 15/20; Abbey 19/20)

Plot: It's a time of war in the galaxy as Count Dooky and his Seperatists take on the Jedi and a bunch of clones. Dooky and Emperor Palpatine form an intricate plan involving a plot to kidnap Jabba the Hutt's baby in order to turn the Hutts against the Jedi and gain an edge in the war. Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Anakin's new apprentice (whose name I didn't bother learning) have to save the day.

Crap this is. Hate it I did. Now, keep in mind that I like Star Wars. I liked the originals as a kid, and I liked a lot about the prequels as an adult. I have a Jar Jar Binks tatoo on my scrotum. I make my own Boba Fett t-shirts. I speak fluent Ewok. I've swallowed exactly four Lando Calrissian action figures. I can't have sexual intercourse without first picturing Admiral Ackbar. But this is just bad, and it was bad from the get-go. I'll put it this way--this is a Star Wars movie that actually manages to make Yoda unlikable. The animation looks stupid when nothing exciting is going on and whatever plot there is is being moved forward. The action scenes aren't bad looking at all, but there are so many of them that my eyes started bleeding and then I got yelled at for getting eye blood on the couch. And the fight scenes you really wait for have absolutely no emotional punch at all. They're just there. How can you title a movie after a war and then show only a small percentage of the war that winds up having no impact on the war at all? None of this crap is vital to the Star Wars story. This is a very poorly written, incomplete movie that I wish didn't exist. And if I ever meet an adult who likes this movie, I'm taking a swing at him. I'm not even joking.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

2001 fantasy movie

Rating: 17/20 (Dylan: 15/20)

Plot: A bunch of midgets are fighting over a piece of jewelry, so they hire a grumpy old man named Grumpy to settle the dispute. It's decided that Frodo should travel to a scary place and have the ring sold to a pawn shop called Crap 'n' More. Unfortunately, Crap 'n' More was put out of business after the locals founds out that the soup they served in the pawn shop's concession stand wasn't really cream of mushroom. Why would anybody eat food served at a pawn shop anyway? Another grumpy magical guy named Count Dooku sends some of his friends to warn Frodo and his fellow midgets--Harpo, Blinko, Porno, Zippy--so that they don't waste their time and gas driving all the way to the scary place. Meanwhile, Frodo decides to have himself committed to an asylum run by smug Englishmen with pointy ears. A flaming vagina hallucination keeps him there for several months while the smug Englishmen crack jokes and draw things on his face while he sleeps. "Flaming vagina? Did it belong to my wife? Ha ha ha!" That joke is in the movie seventeen times. Grumpy figures that Frodo needs help, so he recruits some help--Beardo, Lance Spectacular, Big Ears, and Stumpy--to travel with Frodo to find another pawn shop to sell the ring. They decide to take the scenic route through some dark places because Grumpy brought a flashlight and "I ain't carryin' around this flashlight for nothin', bitches! Let's roll!" They have several very expensive adventures.

A great deal of midget action in this one.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith

2005 science fiction movie

Rating: 15/20 (Dylan: 14/20)

Plot: Anakin's knocked up Queen Armadillo which, along with the blue dress he stained with his midichlorians, has created quite the scandal on the Planet Croissant. He's busy running around with his best friend (a roving trash can) and his homoerotic crush Obi-Wan Kenobi who, after seeing how well-hung he was in that Peter Greenaway movie, could think of nothing else but the Jedi master's junk. Meanwhile, Emperor Saltine is up to no good and midget Yoda and the other good guys have to stop him before he does whatever he's trying to do. The Clone Wars continue, but nobody really knows what side he's on. There seems to be a stalemate. Hands are removed. Anakin wants to be a Jedi master but can't because, according to regulations, he has to be able to grow a "Yoda-approved beard," so he pouts and then starts killing everybody. Armadillo asks him to hold her like he did on Naboo. Tears are shed. More hands are lost. Max Window, the Jackie Robinson of Jedi knights, pops in and says, "Palpatine, shut yo' mouth. I ain't having no mo-fo sith in my mo-fo galaxy." Unfortunately for him and the other good guys, Anakin is confused. Should he stay loyal to the Jedi or should he join the bad guys since his wardrobe seems to fit in more with them? Oh, the suspense!

The things that are really good about this movie outweigh the things that are really bad about this movie.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

2004 comedy

Rating: 4/20 (Jen: 1/20)

Plot: See title.

I always feel like there's a gap in my movie education whenever people I know talk about movies like this. "What? You haven't seen Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle?! It's effin' high-larious!" Well, it's not. Neil Patrick Harris is nearly funny, and I accidentally laughed once or twice (I liked when Kumar was urinating on a bush and another guy walks up and starts peeing on the same bush), but there's no way I would call this effin' high-larious. And I suspect that Dude, Where's My Car and the Harold and Kumar sequel aren't funny either. I think canned laughter would have helped me out a little bit. I did love those special effects with the cheetah though! This reminded me of all those comedies from the 80's that I didn't like--Police Academy, Weekend at Bernies, E.T. No, maybe it's actually those 90's comedies that are all the same that this reminds me of. Would this have been funny if I had any experience at all with pot? What about if I'd had recent experience with whatever White Castle serves as meat?

I could use an effin' milkshake.

Eagle vs. Shark

2007 romantic comedy


Rating: 12/20


Plot: A likable misfit named Lily working at a Meaty Boy fast food restaurant falls for an unlikable misfit named Jarrod who is frequently a Meaty Boy customer. The unlikable misfit actually looks like a meaty boy. She shows up at his "dress-as-your-favorite-animal" party (uninvited) and impresses him with her skills at a violent video game. They end up doin' it. Later, Jarrod invites her to his hometown, mostly because he doesn't have a car to get him there, so that he can get his revenge on a high school bully. Jarrod becomes even more unlikable.


Recommended by an anonymous person who apparently knows me well enough to know that I generally like quirky stuff like this. The main reason this didn't quite work for me was that Jarrod was such an unlikable guy. I don't expect all characters in romantic comedies to be likable or anything, but I didn't want things to work out for this guy at all. This movie seems to be an attempt at a Napoleon Dynamite and is stuffed with lots of offbeat characters and offbeat moments, but it's not really consistently funny. I laughed out once during the big video game match when she was playing against a kid dressed as a horse. I may have nearly laughed a few more times. The soundtrack is oppressive, sort of like in Juno. There was some stop-motion animation stuff involving discarded apples and ants that was cute, and there were some other cute moments that make this a lot more entertaining than your average romantic comedy. But for an oddball movie, this is strangely derivative here in 2008.


I showered right before and right after watching this movie.