Dark Shadows

2012 gothic vampire soap opera

Rating: 7/20

Plot: 18th Century vampire Barnabas Depp is violently exhumed in the 1970s where he desperately tries to get his family back on track and stick it to the witch who cursed him in the first place.

I can't remember being this bored while watching a movie. Maybe Tim Burton needs Winona Ryder back or something. Or maybe Tim Burton just needs to come up with original ideas. He seems to be a creative fellow and his movies are a lot better when they're straight from his imagination (Edward Scissorhands, etc.) than when they're from somebody else's (Planet of the Apes, etc.). I've not seen the 60s/70s soap opera this is based on, and thanks to Tim Burton, I don't really have any interest in seeing it. After a narrated prologue that is typical Burton, all stilted and faux-dark, I almost wanted to shut this off. I didn't because I thought there would be a few funny moments. Unfortunately, this was about as funny as being attacked by an actual vampire. The out-of-time character humor seemed cliched, and the screenwriters hit the 1970s references so hard that it just gets annoying. I lost interest in the story since I was fairly sure how it was going to end. That's not a problem if the journey there is entertaining, but this isn't. This movie does have a few things going for it. The house is cool, and it's good to see that Christopher Lee is still kicking around though his role here is very small. Best of all is Eva Green who is absolutely gorgeous here. The sex scene with Johnny Depp is all kinds of wrong though.

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