Samurai Cop

1989 action movie

Rating: 2/20

Plot: The titular cop and his sidekick battle organized crime in Los Angeles.

Matt Hannon plays that titular cop and is pretty dreadful as an actor but not too bad as an action hero. He's no worse than an Arnold or a Stallone really although he doesn't have that special whatever that either of them have. Still, it's strange to me that he wasn't in a single movie after this one and only had other straight-to-video release. Jannis Farley, who plays his love interest Jennifer, also had no other movies after this one, and I would have figured that her posterior alone would have gotten her more work. The bad guy is played by Robert Z'Dar whose had plenty of work including the sequels to Hell Comes to Frogtown and Beastmaster, Tango and Cash, and that awesome Soultaker movie with Joe Estevez. So with a cast like this, how could it possibly miss? Well, it was apparently written by an individual with some mental problems. Amir Shervan wrote and directed it. And Amir Shervan might have written this without first hearing other human beings speak to one another. Most of these are likely worse in context, spoken from the mouths of people who can't act very well:

"I will bring his head, and I will place it on your piano." (This is right after the gang leader guy said, "I want you to bring me his head and place it on my piano.")
"I can relieve you of this gift, this black gift." (This is a reference to the castration of Samurai Cop's black sidekick.)
"You lost. . .you lost face." (Spoken by the protagonist after he beats a guy up. No, it doesn't make more sense in context.)
"Hey, wait a minute. I want to talk to you." (This isn't a bad line on its own, but it's the exact thing spoken by four extras in a row during an escape from a hospital.)
"I feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass. And it hurts. We have to figure out a way to get it out of there." (This is the police captain. He's got a few gems as almost nothing he says makes sense.)
"Oh, shoot!" (Right after the cops run over a guy they just shot. What?)
"Shoot! Shoot him!" (Said repeatedly during a car chase scene. Then, a "Yeah! You got him!" Spoken like a true sidekick.)

This sexy bit of dialogue:

Girl cop: Ok, Joe. Just keep it up.
Cop: Oh, it's always up. You just keep it warm.
Girl cop: It's warm and ready.
(Then, later--following the car and helicopter chase they're involved in during the above exchange) Girl cop: I'll be home later.
Cop: I may stop by, so (pause--tongue click) keep it warm."

And then there's this conversation between a sex-crazed Samurai Cop and a nurse who is only in the movie to have this conversation:

Nurse: Do you like what you see?
Cop: I love what I see.
Nurse: Would you like to touch what you see?
Cop: Yes, yes, I would.
Nurse: Would you like to go out with me?
Cop: Umm. Yes, I would.
Nurse: Would you like to fuck me?
Cop: Bingo.
Nurse: Well, then let's see what you got. (Checks groin area) Doesn't interest me. Nothing there.
Cop: Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you--something the size of a jumbo jet?
Nurse: Have you been circumcised?
Cop: Yeah, I have. Why?
Nurse: Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.
Cop: No, he was a good doctor.
Nurse: Good doctors make mistakes, too. That's why they have insurance.
Cop: Hey, don't worry. I got enough. It's big.
Nurse: I want bigger.

And that's it.

And then there's some great dialogue with dubbed (I think) voices that are pretty much unintelligible, like gangsters just growling at each other. And two conversations about how black the Samurai Cop's sidekick's ass is. The greatness of the dialogue is nearly surpassed by the greatness of the action sequences in this bad boy. During a car chase where the film was speeded-up but still seems to involve vehicles that never top 30 miles per hour, a van drives into a pile of dirt and naturally explodes before the driver runs out on fire while the cops panic and yell about how he's burning and how they need to do something. Then, it cuts directly to the first of a few awkward sex scenes. Another great action scene involves the cop throwing a samurai sword (really the only time he uses that weapon, I think) and chops a guy's arm off. The black sidekick's response? "Damn!" There's some kung-fu fighting with some strangely echoing utterances that would likely embarrass Bruce Lee, and a final shoot-out that makes up the final redundant 30 minutes of this thing that feature some of the best (and by that, I mean the worst) death scenes I've ever seen. Oh, and at one point, you can hear an audible gun click. It's all wildly entertaining and really funny if you're looking for a movie bad enough to make you laugh.

Special mention goes to Joselito Rescober who showcases some of the best acting I've ever seen as a waiter.

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