Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The A-Team

2010 ass-kicker

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The titular team is sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escape from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem--if no one else can help-and if you can find them--maybe you can hire The A-Team.

Got five words for you that might, if you're the type this might appeal to, sell The A-Team: they fly a fuckin' tank. Sure, sometimes you read something like that and find out later that it's not nearly as awesome as it sounds. Not this time though! The action sequences in this use up more bullets than several other action movies combined and have this ludicrous energy that makes this a lot of fun. It's like the makers of this finished writing the scene where Murdock is flying a helicopter upside down and said to themselves, "Why stop at ridiculous when we can go for batshit insane, fellows? Let's juice it up!" And this is juicy, folks! Maybe it's not the greatest of movies or even the greatest of action movies, but it's a ton of fun, sneaky smart, and worlds better than the last vile television-show-from-my-childhood-turned-movie. Great start with a cool introduction of Liam Neeson's Hannibal and T's doppelganger engaging in some fisticuffs filmed with not so much a shaky camera but a blurry one. Then, you get some The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly-style name introductions. Pretty cool. There's Bradley Cooper again. That guy's got this special gift where he has this natural chemistry with anybody else on the screen with him. All four have it though. I don't remember the television show well enough to know if it did this, but I really liked how the action scenes were broken up by shots of Hannibal and the other three explaining the plan. This is alternately funny and action-packed, and even though things get a little too goofy at the end, the plot was pretty solid. I may have watched this twice at the motel, and I'll definitely look forward to seeing the sequel on the urine couch.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Dukes of Hazzard

2005 idiocy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: See a synopsis for pretty much any of the television episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard but stretched into twice the length. Boss Hogg wants Jesse Duke's farm, Daisy Duke's got long legs and a vapid expression, and Bo and Luke drive their car around really fast. Honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk. (Now go back and read that again to "Wish I Was in Dixie."

The good ol' boys, according to Waylon Jennings, were never meanin' no harm, but I'm not completely convinced the makers of this film version of the television show weren't. Or were. Too many double negatives and too much time for me to spend in Hazzard County to figure out what I even typed there.

Here's the biggest issue that I have with this movie: Johnny Knoxville--a guy I like when he's lighting his balls on fire or shoving toy army soldiers into his anus; also, a guy with a charisma and natural charm and good looks that could have made him a star if he would have made better decisions--and Seann William Scott--a guy with not only too many first names but too many N's in one of them--recreate the Duke boys as really unlikable characters. The television cousins were rude but always retained some likability. You rooted for them even though they were breaking some rules because they were firmly on the good side. These Duke boys are impossible to root for. They're jerks. And really stupid. You'd expect a character played by Jessica Simpson to be stupid, but I don't remember the Duke boys being so dumb. Or maybe Bo was. I don't remember. Actually, there's not a single performance on this that I enjoyed. Jessica Simpson looks good enough. Just ask Gene Siskel's ghost's erection! Willie Nelson looks confused, almost like he's wondering how his career hit such dismal depths. Watching him on the little motel television set me made really sad. Burt Reynolds? He's obviously just showing up for the paycheck and isn't half the actor that the porcine Sorrell Booke. I mean that literally and figuratively. M.C. Gaines doesn't even attempt that "Goo-goo-goo" giggle that the great James Best's Rosco P. Coltrane had. They even found themselves a Waylon Jennings imitator. There's just no spark to these characters. They go through the motions, sort of look like the original characters, and get in the same car crashes. But they very obviously are not the same characters and this Hazzard County is not the same world that the television show created.

Or more than likely it is but desperately needed to be half the length that it was with a few commercial breaks. I need some breaks from all the car crashes. As it is, it's one of the most mind-numbing pieces of crap I've ever seen, and I really feel more dumber for spending time with it. My vote for most ridiculous moments: Anytime Bo Duke talks to his car. I half-expected there to be a Bo Duke/General Lee sex scene at some point. I would have given it a five point boost.

Sidebar: I was talking about this movie and t.v. show with a black friend of mine. My token black friend so that I can make a few racist remarks every now and then and defend myself by saying, "It's ok because I have a black friend." It's the same reason that I'm friends with a gay guy, a little person, and a Republican actually. And a mentally-challenged guy. They're my entourage. Anyway, this guy's about my age and talked about loving this show as a kid without having any idea that a racial undercurrent was there. I always wondered growing up whether this show had any black fans. My black friend (See? That almost makes me a better person just for typing that!) said he remembers a recurring black character on the original series, a guy who was always in the big city they would sometimes go to. He didn't have any lines though. I think there should have been an episode where Bo and Luke interact with some black guys. The scene would freeze as they stand face-to-face and Waylon Jennings would say, "Black guys? The Duke boys sure are in trouble now!" and then that banjo riff would play. It'd be the ultimate cliffhanger because black people are really really dangerous. And I can say that because I have a black friend.

I'd be surprised to find out that this movie had any fans, by the way.

Zookeeper

2011 talking animal and talking Kevin James movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: The titular zookeeper is really good at his job, but he's not so good at love. Luckily, the animals he's been so good to at the zoo are willing to help him attract the attention of his dream girl. But will he like the guy he has to become in order to make that happen?

I think movies with Kevin James in them are become exponentially painful. This one's got talking zoo animals, ones slightly less humorous than the ones in Madagascar. Nick Nolte's a gorilla, Cher's a girl lion, Sylvester Stallone's a boy lion, and Judd Apatow--a guy with nothing else to do?--is an elephant. Adam Sandler gives one of the most annoying voice performances you'll ever hear, and Don Rickles is a frog. And I know what you're thinking--man, that's quite the collection of comedic geniuses! So you'd think one of them would stop everything during the recording session and give the director a heads-up. "Hey, this isn't very funny at all. And I should know because I'm Sylvester Stallone and/or Cher!" The increasingly ubiquitous (wait a second--not sure something can be increasingly ubiquitous) Ken Jeong's in this, too. Hollywood seems to be doing it's best to find this guy things to do. Same with Kevin James. Look, it seems like he's a nice guy and all, and I don't mind nice guys doing well for themselves. But when King of Queens ended, I just didn't think he had that "it" that would make it possible for him to carry a movie. So it's no surprise that he can't. Hollywood writers just keep giving this guy different jobs (zookeeper, mall cop, mailman, butcher, baker, candlestick maker), throwing a girl (or two) into the script, and hoping a comedy erupts. There's a lot of fat-guy-running-into-things slapstick if that's your bag, but I couldn't find a single laugh in this. And when the zookeeper gets his girl (no, that's not the end; the end is more predictable than that), things get entirely too preposterous. The animal-talking effects look stupid, and there's the most egregious product placement I've ever seen. At one point, the movie's plot steps aside to make room for a T.G.I. Fridays commercial.

Watched this at school with 7th graders. They laughed a couple times, but didn't seem to like it very much either. I didn't have time to get their ratings.

Quick, readers--can you think of a memorable Kevin James moment?

Four Lions

2010 terrorist comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Four inept Jihadists in London go through terrorism training and plan for a headline-making suicide bombing.

Four Lions is the kind of movie that had to have been made on a dare.

"Hey, Chris Morris. I bet you can't make a comedy about suicide bombers."

"I could."

"Oh yeah? Well, I double-dog dare you to!"

This is darkly hilarious look at a topic that isn't really all that hilarious. And I'm sure that some folks accidentally stumbling into the theater to see this watched with mouths agape and were a little bit offended. The best kind of comedy offends sensibilities anyway, right? This movie is just stuffed with one liners and funny slapstick, and the payoff at the climax featuring the terrorists in mascot-type costumes makes me giggle just thinking about it. The dialogue's spoken with thick English thug accents and is filled with all this slang that made catching all the jokes problematic. I think that just means that I have to watch this again soon. I really liked the actors in this, especially the guy who played the leader. The lions' rapport was great, almost like they've been working on stage for years before filming like the Marx Brothers or something. I'm not sure how much of this was improvised, but it's got a little Spinal Tap feel, and although it's not quite that faux-documentary style, it's got a camera style that does make you feel like you're watching a true story unfolding naturally. Well, except it's really really silly. Funny stuff, and you should see it if you get the humor in acts of terrorism.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Public Enemies

2009 gangsta movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: The John Dillinger story.

Did you know that John Dillinger's penis is in a jar in an Indiana museum? I remember going on a field trip with my fourth grade class (Indiana history was year) and my teacher pointed it out to us. "Look at the size of that penis!" she said. And it was impressive!

I didn't like this movie very much. Any movie that makes John Dillinger's penis seem dull is a poorly-made movie in my book. Or my blog.

To be completely fair, I had trouble staying awake during this one, and Gene Siskel's ghost kept nudging me awake and saying, "Psst! Penis!" to wake me up. Nothing I saw makes me want to stay awake if I ever get a chance to see this again though.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Sunset Limited

2011 conversation

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A black guy stops a white guy's suicide by train and takes him to his apartment to discuss their philosophical differences. Black (that's his name--check the credits!) is a reformed criminal with a firm belief in a higher being; White (seriously, they don't get real names!) is a nihilist who sees the world as an unhappy place that he should just escape from.

I kind of liked this, but I didn't like-like it. Samuel L. Jackson is really terrific, giving a powerful performance as White. Or maybe he was Black. I don't know; Gene Siskel's ghost and I were arguing about that. Tommy Lee Jones, who also directed, isn't bad exactly, but he's kind of overshadowed by what Jackson (or maybe Jackson's character) is doing. The conversation, a darker My Dinner with Andre-esque stream of words, is philosophically interesting, but it lacks cohesion and doesn't make me feel like I've actually gained anything by eavesdropping on the two for an hour and a half. The biggest issue is it never really feels like an actual conversation as opposed to a couple actors sitting down and exchanging scripted verbosity. Yes, that's precisely what it is, but it should still feel natural, right? The problem might be that the two actors are so recognizable. Still, this is worth watching if you've got the time. I just wouldn't recommend it in the lobby at the motel where I work at 4:00 AM when you're already depressed because somebody took your couch away.

Day of the Animals

1977 public service announcement/horror movie

Rating: 5/20

Plot: Global warming has made all the animals on some mountain insanely violent which sucks for the group of hikers who happen to be on that very mountain. Leslie Nielson takes off his shirt.

That's right. If you've ever wanted to see Leslie Nielson without his shirt on and playing a straight role, this is the film for you, my friends. This is a politically important motion picture, by the way, because it's the only source from which Al Gore and his scientist friends gathered information for An Inconvenient Truth. And it's an entertaining B-horror movie. You know this is going to be a winner from the get-go with the creepy clinky clunky music and shots of menacing animals. I knew I was about to see more stock footage of animals than I'd maybe ever seen in any other movie and apparently get a warning about ozone layer depletion at the same time. Quickly, a pattern develops in this movie: hiking footage, close-up of a wild animal, hiking footage, close-up of a wild animal, hiking footage, close-up of a few birds, and son on. Yes, it's as boring as it sounds. There's one amazing, almost avant-garde shot that has both birds and people hiking on the screen at the same time. I really liked Roger Barnes as Ranger Tucker. Barnes looked and sounded familiar, so I looked him up, probably remembering him in some deep part of my mind because he was in both Pete's Dragon and High Plains Drifter. He's the type of actor who can pull off a line like "Gimme a piece of that apple pie and dump some ice cream on it" while still managing to sound like a bad ass. He also gets to be the only human in the best scene in Day of the Animals. Actually, what am I saying? It's probably the best scene in any movie ever! "The rats have gone crazy!" Indeed, Roger Barnes. Watch that scene in Ranger Tucker's kitchen and try not to have nightmares about rats jumping on your face. Speaking of nightmares, let's get back to Leslie Nielson without a shirt on. I'm not sure if it's losing his shirt or the whole global warming thing, but something turns his character completely crazy. That's when we get to see what an actor Nielson is. Watching an angry Nielson (sans shirt) hitting foliage with a big stick, tossing middle-aged women around and calling them bitches, yelling "you little cockroach!" at pre-teens. I guess the lesson is that Leslie Nielson is more animal than human. And during a climactic scene where Nielson fights a bear? Jen actually checked to see if I was erect at that point. Nielson's character also changed the Lord's Prayer forever, for me at least. "Our father who art in heaven, you made a jackass out of me for years!" C'mon. That is awesome! Jon Cedar plays Frank, poorly. His death scene is a classic, actually containing the words "Help me! Help me! I'm dying! Aaahhh!" Other great scenes involve a guy doing a W.C. Fields impression (just what the film needed actually), some nifty bird attack special effects, and a woman falling to her death which is likely the worst blue screen effect I've ever seen and probably will win my end-of-the-year special-ed effect award. Toward the end, it nearly turns into Night of the Living Dead with dogs. Dogs and a guy who looks a lot like Elton John. And yes, that's as awesome as it sounds. The whole thing ends with [Spoiler Alert] guys in metallic suits that look like they came straight from that Residents music video. It's all highly recommended if you're into crappy movies or, as I mentioned, have always wanted to see Leslie Nielson's glorious nipples.

And to answer your question--yes, I was erect!

Rio

2011 animated bird movie

Rating: 12/20 (Abbey: 1/20; Emma 1/20; Sophie: ?/20)

Plot: Jesse Eisenbird, a librarian's pet macaw, wants desperately to get laid, so he travels to the titular city of sin to find himself a feathered whore. He meets a hot little blue number named Jewel and winds up talon-cuffed to her after a kinky sex act gone wrong. Smugglers are after them, and flightless Eisenbird has to learn to adapt to a harsh new existence in the wild while trying to find his librarian friend.

During a mating sequence, the ornithologist naturally plays Lionel Richie's "Say You, Say Me" because "Lionel Richie works every time." Love that. I also liked the colorful and musically vibrant beginning sequence that opened this movie. Rio de Janeiro provides a lively backdrop to the goings-on in this cartoon from the makers of Ice Age. As seen in Ice Age, those animators know how to create moods with setting details. This covers pretty much everything you'd expect a movie taking place in Brazil to cover--soccer, slum life, colorful parades. Unfortunately, I had a difficult time liking this movie for very long despite my love for both birds and color. I enjoyed most of the voice talent, especially Jemaine Clement and (ahem) Jesse Eisenberg, but I had a tough time connecting with the characters. Especially the human ones. I didn't like how the CGI people looked in this movie, and the human characters all looked like they were overacting. There are also a lot of songs in this, extraneous songs that do nothing more than make the movie seem way too long. The movies got some jokes that the kiddies might enjoy, and a lot of action sequences that zip by very quickly (admittedly, ones that are animated really well), but I'm not sure there's much for adults to appreciate in this one. Watch Rango instead.

Alibi

1929 gangster melodrama

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Chick the gangster's released from prison and joins up with his old pals. He also starts dating the daughter of a police officer, a woman who will eventually be the titular alibi after a policeman is murdered.

Bad sound on this release didn't help matters, but it's a dated and boring gangster movie anyway. But I was definitely irritated by having to turn up the television to hear the dialogue submerged in all this scratchiness only to be startled by these jarring loud sound effects. This one goes through all the 1930's melodramatic gangster motions and has a lot of shots that are secretly becoming my favorites in old movies--the forced personal space invasion where the camera demands that characters awkwardly stand about two inches from each other during conversations. There are some nice moody sets, downright expressionistic, and a neat car-driving scene with bad special effects that somehow makes it look really cool. Policemen with percussive nightsticks though? What the hell was that all about? And boy, Regis Toomey sure is bad in this. He plays drunk very poorly, almost like he got his inspiration from watching a cartoon where a bear gets drunk or something, and he's so bad that there are scene where he's getting looks from other actors. They were clearly what-the-hell?-you're-ruining-the-whole-movie looks. Either that or I imagined those looks.

Liquid Sky

1982 low-budget sci-fi flick

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Some aliens you can't see come to earth in search of drugs, disturbing some nice lesbians in the process.

I don't like the color of the 1980s. There are a lot of cult movies that I really like, and there are some that I really hate. I failed to connect with Liquid Sky at all, saw it as a barely-moving and pretentious bunch of silliness. Cardboard cutouts of the actors in this would have probably shown more emotion although I will say this--those cats can dance! Ah! That's what this reminds me of--Breakin' as directed by Derek Jarman but with lesbians, an irritating electronic score, and a complete lack of breakdancing. This probably fair since he had nothing since he had nothing to do with any of this, but I'm going to go ahead and blame David Bowie for this one. Or my brother. It's the exact type of movie I would have tried my best to love as a teenager, but it bored me to technicolor tears as a middle-aged man.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: All About Steve

2009 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Crossword puzzle writer Mary meets a camera man for a CNN-like news channel and becomes convinced that they are made for each other. Despite his complete lack of interest, she and her red boots follow him all over the country.

File this under Awkward instead of Funny. Now I did sort of like the parodying of network news, the representation of these news people as nothing more than vultures scrambling around and hoping for tragedy. Thomas Haden Church's character was almost funny. Geraldo also has a cameo, and that guy is always funny. It was as if the makers of this movie said, "Uh oh. This movie's goin' nowhere, guys! Somebody summon Geraldo's mustache!" Sandra Bullock won a Razzie for her performance in this and famously showed up to accept. But you know what? It's not Razzie-worthy stuff. In fact--and you can accuse me of being silly for thinking this--I didn't think she was much worse than she was in that movie about the fat kid playing football. The problem is more her character. Sure comedy seems to fit on Bullock about as well as those ridiculous boots, but the things the writers of this make her character say in the name of so-called humor makes her character not only irritating but almost impossible to care about. I want to type something about DJ Qualls here, that weird looking little guy with the nose, but I can't think of anything to say. And I'm pretty sure Bradley Cooper is in every other movie that I see these days. I'm really not sure there wasn't a good movie idea here, but with all the tornadoes, Wild West hostage situations, and other too-crazy shenanigans, this just got too goofy, and the cliched and slapped-together crossword connections grew tiresome. Yes, bonus points were awarded for Geraldo's mustache. I'd love to see a biopic about that mustache, by the way. Not Geraldo--just the 'stache. Bradley Cooper can play the mustache. Get crackin', Hollywood!

Hoodwinked!

2005 Shrek rip-off

Rating: 11/20

Plot: There's a Goody Bandit on the loose somewhere in a fairy tale forest (Psst! It's more than likely Andy Dick.) and after a disturbance involving Little Red Riding, her granny, Puddy from Seinfeld, and a portly lumberjack, a police bear gets their stories and attempts to get to the bottom of things.

I swear that I saw this on a plane and sort of enjoyed it. Maybe it's just the rare movie that is better seen several thousand feet in the air. I do like the Rashomon structure as well as a few of the copious film references. More than a few of those (Matrix again?) were tired. The animation has an unfortunate ugliness with plasticky characters and a backdrop that looks like it's straight from an early 2000 video game. Additionally, the characters just don't move right, and their faces lack any personality whatsoever. The voice work, although the cast seems to be doing its very best (Andy Dick sounds like a transvestite), just doesn't work either. I don't like the movie's style, and the humor is really all over the place. It's almost like they threw in snowboarding grandmothers and every sort of quirky character they could think of in order to appeal to everybody, the throwing-darts-and-hope-some-stick strategy of comedy writing. Unfortunately, the movie just isn't very funny at all. My least favorite character was that annoying singing goat until Twitchy was introduced about ten minutes later. Add some yucky songs to, I'm guessing, pad the length so that it's movie sized. My biggest question: Would most children even be able to figure out what was going on in this movie?

Hereafter

2010 old man movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: A cute French journalist nearly dies, going so far that she even sees the light, but lives to write about it. A kid deals with life after his twin brother passes away. And Matt Damon, a guy with an extraordinary talent, tries his best to live a normal life. They're paths eventually connect.

But boy, do you have to wait a long time to get there! And "there" doesn't turn out to be very revealing or insightful or moving or really anything. Eastwood channels his inner-Shamalammadingdong and winds up with something that lacks a narrative flow and, more significantly, any real emotion. There's nothing really wrong with the performances (cute Cecile De France, even-cuter Matt Damon, the McLaren twins) or the way this is shot. It just doesn't add up to anything, nothing more than a squelchy fart from Eastwood's old man bathroom. Any bonus point that a surprisingly touching Richard Kind performance might have given this was wiped out instantly by Jay Mohr's presence. I could do without that guy.

Spiderman

2002 superhero movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Young Peter Parker deals with puberty and tries, despite having a "grandmother with benefits" relationship with his grandma, to get it on with the neighbor girl. He has an affair with a spider and begins developing some superhuman abilities, like the ability to beat up Randy "the Macho Man" Savage. Meanwhile, his best friend's dad keeps turning into Metallic Elf Man and tries to kill everybody. A whole bunch of characters get the chance to say "With great power comes great responsibility." And the audience wishes they were watching the one with the tentacle guy instead.

And the Academy Award for Best Use of a Retired Wrestler in an Action Movie goes to. . .Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Actually, I'd give him best actor, best actress, best picture, whatever the guy wanted. Yes, best picture because Randy "Macho Man" Savage is Spiderman. Out of the 12 points I'm giving this movie, the late wrastler represents 11.5 of them.

Time hasn't treated Spiderman very well. The story, the Spiderman-origin story, is tired anyway, and although I liked some of the human element in the story and thought Tom Cruise made a pretty good Spiderman, I would much rather read the comic book or watch the old cartoon version of this. But those special effects! They look awful, just so cartoony, especially when Spiderman or the green guy are doing there thing in broad daylight. The darkness of the city covers up the limitations of the special effects, but Spiderman's floppiness (he suffers a bit from Superman Leg Syndrome) just looks silly when the sun's out. Speaking of Superman, this is an obvious attempt to capture some of the magic of that superhero movie, but it just doesn't work and the novelty of seeing Spiderman dicking around with his new gifts early in the film wears off about as fast as Tom Cruise's lone facial expression in this movie.

Question of the Day: Who do you think would win in a fight--Macho Man or El Santo? Wait! Don't answer that. Either way, you're going to make yourself a powerful enemy.

Urine Couch Sans Couch A.M. Movie Club: Twelve Monkeys

1995 simian treat

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Bruce Willis's head is sent back in time on a dare to see how many monkeys he can fit in his trousers. Or pants. Or whatever. Somehow, an Elvis impersonator and a pixie are involved, and some French guy gets shot at a train station. The pixie's got her hand down the front of Elvis's trousers AND pants (natch) and Brad Pitt can't stop giggling. They retire to something called a cold room. Bring on the dystopian funk!

All I know is that I show up to the hotel job and the urine couch is gone. No warning, no nothing. There are a pair of chairs in its place, but they just don't suffice because Gene likes to cuddle. The chairs just aren't the same, but I can get paid to do nothing while sitting on any piece of furniture and don't care all that much.

La Jetee's probably better although it doesn't have wacky Brad Pitt. Heady sci-fi with maestro Gilliam turning all his funhouse mirrors upside down. Bruce Willis's butt is in there somewhere, Mom, and I'm pretty sure during this stage of his career, that was in his contract. Honestly, I need to see this again again because I had trouble keeping my eyes open in the new chair. I'm having a tough time keeping my eyes open right now, too.

OK, this is now the next night. I believe I fell asleep soon after typing that sentence about not being able to keep my eyes open. It's either that or a criminal from 2030 or whenever traveled back in time and erased my post.

OK, it's the next night again. I think I might have African Sleeping Sickness. It's really getting in the way of me meeting my number one goal: meeting all of my goals.

I think I'm going to have a Terry Gilliam movie marathon some time and watch all of his movies back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back, even the bad ones. I'm also going to make a spreadsheet and keep track of all of the nouns that end up in his script and see what statistical data I can come up with.

I'm really bummed about the couch. Somebody mentioned during the funeral that the guy from corporate did not approve. Good bye, couch. May you rest eternally in a urine-soaked heaven. Maybe some day I'll see you again if people and couches are allowed to interact in heaven.

Eric Clapton needs to write a song about that!