Hell on Wheels

2004 Tour de France documentary

Rating: 13/20

Plot: This documentary is an intimate look at a German racing team during the 2003 Tour de France. Focused mostly on Erik Zabel and Rolf Aldrag, teammates and roommates who bicker over who gets to hold the remote control, the film takes a look at the trials and tribulations of cyclists during the three weeks this race goes on. Peppered throughout is historical black and white footage of earlier tours.

This was recommended by my brother, a cyclist. I wonder how much enjoyment I'm missing because I don't know diddly-squat about the sport or have any interest in any of these people. It's beautifully filmed with lots of great landscape shots of France, and a movie can never have too many scenes with old man massaging the legs of cyclists. It all looks very dangerous (lots of road burns, bruises, nicks) and is frequently exciting, but the documentary itself could have used some editing and less music. Gruelling work for the cyclists, I'm sure, but watching the thing also made me pretty tired. I was amazed at some of the badassery--one guy rode with a broken collarbone and another with a broken coccyx. One guy, I know, only rode with one testicle, but they didn't talk about that. It should be noted that both cyclists at the center of this documentary later confessed to doping in the nineties.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

1961 horror movie

Rating: 2/20

Plot: A housewife enters the sitting room where Father is reading his morning newspaper.

"Honey, have you seen our video camera?" she asks.
"Yeah," he replies while sucking his pipe. "The boys said they needed it for some sort of project. Some sort of monster movie. They took it down to Yucca Flats." He shrugs a boys-will-be-boys shrug.
"Are you sure they will be careful with it? They've only got the combined chronological age of 13 and the combined mental age of 4."
"Ah, sure," Father says confidently. "Besides, they talked our neighbor into going along for the ride. You know, former-wrestler and now professional actor Tor Johnson?"
"Oh, that's good." She ponders the situation. "Honey, did you tell them that the camera can no longer record sound?"
"Sound schmound! They can always just add that in later, right?"
"Oh, I guess so." She begins to dust a bookshelf and notices and empty rabbit cage. "Hey, where'd our pet rabbit go?"

Lots to love in this excellent terrible movie. It's Tor Johnson's (of Plan Nine "fame") last role, and he's brilliant in it as a Russian scientist who is exposed to atomic radiation and spends the movie being really big and lurking around. I'm sure that was a character stretch. This is just gloriously inept filmmaking, and I find it nearly impossible to believe that there was a budget at all. There was, I noted, a guy credited with "visual effects," but I have no idea what the hell that guy could have done. There's a parachuting scene that shows extreme close-ups to cover up the fact that nobody is ever in a plane or more than two feet off the ground. I guess that's an effect. I know it's pretty special! And Tor Johnson's got some warts or something. The very best part is the narration, this oddly noirish narrator who either states the obvious ("They climb the mountain carefully, trying to get to the top.") or just throws out some off-the-wall comment. "Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to thirsty pigs." What? "Flag on the moon. How did it get there?" Huh? Flag on the moon? Was there a flag on the moon in 1961? "110 degrees in the shade. And no shade." So noirish! "Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers." What's that have to do with anything? There's very little actual dialogue in the movie, and when it's there, it sounds like it was recorded in the largest room ever constructed. It's like watching a silent movie with narration most of the time. Actually, you can find the narrative text here if interested:

http://geocities.com/brintcorb/beastYuccaFlats.html

So, I can't decide. This is either one of the worst movies ever made or one of the greatest. Regardless, I think it could possibly be what I buy everybody I know for Christmas.

Flawless

2007 heist thriller

Rating: 11/20 (Dylan: 8/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: Laura is a frustrated hard-working executive at the London Diamond Corporation. She's a little fed up after watching man after man after man after man get promoted before her. A janitor comes to her with a plan to steal a ton of diamonds.

Calling a movie Flawless is just setting critics up, especially when the movie has Demi Moore with an English accent that makes Madonna's English accent sound real. Michael Caine is as enjoyable to watch as he ordinarily is, but this movie drags, never really getting off the ground. I did sort of like the story, but there was nothing special about the filmmaking. The UK sure makes stuffy, dull movies.

This was a plane movie. It's not the ideal way to watch a movie.

The Giant Gila Monster

1959 horror movie

Rating: 5/20

Plot: A giant Gila monster that is apparently driven mad at the sound of the theremin stomps about and needs to be stopped before it knocks over more hot rods and completely ruins the 1950's. A ubiquitous teenage mechanic with dreams of becoming a rock 'n' roll superstar works with the town sheriff to rid the town of the beast.

Considering this is the work of Ray Kellogg (the man who infamously has characters watching a sunset in the east at the end of The Green Berets), one can't expect anything intelligent. And intelligent it ain't. You've got terrible special effects (a normal-sized Gila Monster filmed among miniatures), treacly subplot involving the main character's crippled little sister and his aspirations to record hit music featuring the ukulele, some really bad and possibly inappropriate songs, numerous implausibilities, bad lighting that casts characters' shadows really high on the wall behind them, and times where characters are literally shown on screen trying to remember their lines. This is more typically bad than hilariously bad, but it's still entertaining enough to make children laugh regardless of whether or not they've eaten the mushrooms the ubiquitous teenager is apparently singing about in his song. Definitely a product of its time, this is highly recommended to anybody who likes hot rods, cuffed pants, sock hops, or giant reptiles.

Note: Abbey couldn't finish watching this. Seven year olds have better things to do apparently.

The House on Haunted Hill

1959 horror movie

Rating: 13/20 (Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: Vincent Price and his wife invite five people they sort of know to a slumber party in a haunted house. The hosts offer one thousand dollars to the guests who can survive the night in the house.

I like Vincent Price best when he plays deranged oddballs. This loopy mystery doesn't completely work, but it's at least entertaining. The rapport between Price and his wife (they want each other dead) is fun. The other characters could have been a little rounder though. Aside from some campy set pieces (why is there an acid pit in the house?), there are some genuine creepy moments as well as some scenes that are so goofy (the party favors, the skeleton) that they are impossible not to like. Unfortunately, there's also an oppressive soundtrack. I'm starting to think that Abbey's strategy for rating movies is flawed. She did compare this to Scooby Doo which, I believe, was a positive in her eyes.

The Bat

1959 horror mystery

Rating: 9/20

Plot: A serial killer, "The Bat," is on the loose during a time when self-respecting criminals had style and didn't even bother going out causing mischief unless they had a really cool nickname and costume. A banker, a doctor, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, an investigator, a woman, the woman's fiance, a female mystery writer, her assistant, a cook, a thief, a wife, her lover, an embezzler, and about sixty-seven other characters somehow get involved. A mystery is solved!

Vincent Price, since he is the greatest actor who ever live, is good as usual, but the rest of this is devoid of entertainment value. At first, I just thought the plot was really clunky and confusing. Then, I realized that whoever made this was actually trying to make a mystery and that I was supposed to be confused. Attempts to trick the audience wind up making the storytelling illogical and nonsensical. They don't work anyway. You can see the finale coming from 9/10 of a mile away.

White Zombie

1932 horror film

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Honeymooners in Haiti have their trip ruined by a jealous third wheel, some corpses, and Bela Lugosi's ridiculous facial hair. Zombies roam about. To help out that jealous third wheel, Bela Lugosi does some trick involving staring intently and interlocking his hands to turn the bride into a (pause for effect) white zombie.

Madge Bellamy doesn't roam with arms extended and breasts exposed as the poster might suggest. And since this is 1932, the performance of "his every desire" is not shown on screen. Blame 1932 for the abysmal acting, especially from the honeymooners. It's hard to tell when Madge Bellamy is playing a zombie and when she's not. Her bad performance, however, is topped by the soap opera melodramatic sing-song delivery of the male lead, a guy who obviously still felt the need to emote just like they did in the silent era in which he no doubt worked quite a bit. Bela Lugosi is a fantastic exception, and his facial hair actually does steal the show. There are also some clever camera shots, and there are a couple scenes (zombies working in a mill, a graveyard scene) that stir up enough mystery to give White Zombie some atmosphere.

The Fighting Fists of Shanghai Joe

1972 martial arts spaghetti western

Rating: 12/20

Plot: It's the 1880's, and Joe decides to immigrate from China to San Francisco to look for a fresh start in America. He encounters racism immediately, and the prejudice and hatred continue as he travels by stagecoach to Texas and looks for work as a cowboy on a ranch. He finally lands a job, but aiding in the transport of Mexican slaves isn't exactly up his alley. He decides to help the Mexicans instead, so the owner puts a price on Shanghai Joe's head. The promise of 5,000 dollars sends bounty hunters named Pedro the Cannibal, Tricky the Gambler, and Scalper Jack after our hero and his fighting fists.

It's a martial arts spaghetti western with Klaus Kinski playing a guy named Scalper Jack. I don't see how anything else needs to be said. Joe's high-flying antics and groan (it's a groan that rivals Bruce's bird tweets) are fun to watch, more fun perhaps in the western setting. There's some incredibly violent scenes (impaling, eyes torn out, scalps) and a nice mix of the Asian philosophy with the rugged ideals of the American West. Pretty cool characters, too! This movie has an abundance of funk! I highly recommend this to anybody who likes this kind of crap.

Believe it or not, this was a gift from one of my students.

Babe

1995 uplifting children's movie

Rating: 16/20 (Dylan: 15/20, Emma: 18/20, Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: After Robert "Bobbi" "Babe" Morgenson, a transvestite prostitute living in Ogden, Utah, watches her pimp (a less-than-gallant character played by Donny Osmond) massacred with a meat slicer, he/she decides to leave his/her past behind him/her and try to achieve his/her childhood aspiration of becoming a butcher. He/She rinses off the meat slicer and heads for Salt Lake City where, confused about how life as a butcher actually works, he/she hires thugs to procure livestock from Salt Lake City farms and chops them to pieces. Hilarity ensues.

It should be noted that the guy who wrote Babe's screenplay (George Miller) first made a name for himself writing the three Mad Max movies. I'm not sure that adds up. This is quality children's fare. The best one-word description I can think of for this movie would be cozy. The colors, the music, the sparse narration, the gentleness of the main human character (wonderfully played by James Cromwell), the almost fairy-tale "Once Upon a Time" in Anywhere (heck, it could have been Ogden, Utah) setting, the use of chapter titles, and the quiet way the film delivers messages about love and loss and dreams all contribute to deliver something timeless and rich. It's as comfortable as a favorite shoe; it's something you're used to seeing while simultaneously being unique and original. It's still hard to believe that a movie with talking animals manages to stay charming for an hour and a half, especially since talking animals movies (Homeward Bound, Cats and Dogs, Racing Stripes) generally belong on my least-favorite-movies-ever lists. The special effects are good, and although I don't like all of the characters (some, in fact, are completely useless), most of the animals add color to the farm setting and enrich the story. Babe crosses the line into Sillyland (I hate those singing mice) a few times, but it is, after all, a movie for kids. And the climax is handled so delicately and masterfully, it makes up for all the times this reminds me of those other talking animal movies. Its sins, therefore, can be partially forgiven.

My nephew Caden picked this movie but didn't end up watching much of it.

Mrs. Miniver

1942 propaganda film

Rating: 16/20 (Dylan: 9/20)

Plot: It's the late 1930's in England, and apparently there's some kind of war going on. I don't know much about history. The Minivers are an upper-middle-class loving family. Phin/Sven/Fin/Vin, the oldest son, joins the air force and falls in love and marries his sweetheart. The rest of the family--the title character, her husband, and two funny-looking young children--sit around doing nothing at all most of the time, but the war, as all wars do, reaches them in ways they could never have imagined.

I teared up a little but made up for it by laughing inappropriately during a scene at the end that was supposed to be heartbreaking. My only complaint about this movie is terrible child acting unless I'm missing that Mrs. Miniver's children were supposed to be mentally challenged (it was never addressed). There's some historical accuracies, touches (see: upside-down pipe) probably not difficult to achieve since this was made in the middle of things. Director Wyler reportedly made this to tweak the average Americans' ideas about the war in Europe. Surprisingly, it's not all that dated and isn't nearly as sentimentally drippy as I expected.

My father not only recommended this movie, he bought it for me last Christmas. It's his favorite movie, one of about two dozen movies he's told me is his favorite including, most bizarrely, Somewhere in Time.

Still vacationing. I don't even have enough time to show up on film!

Benjamin Smoke

2000 musical documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Sometimes touching and intimate documentary about Southern white trash drag queen Richard Dickerson as he fronts his band Smoke and battles AIDS.

This portrait of the artist as a dying man is somewhat difficult to watch. Watching people die, I guess, isn't supposed to be fun. The music's good, and the directors do a good job of allowing "Benjamin" to come to life in his own way by letting the camera just watch him live. Or try his best to live. Loosey-goosey and wandering, it winds up being an intimate portrayal of an eccentric able to put a few check marks next to items on his "must do" list before death. Pretty cool.

I'm vacationing. No picture.

Far Side of the Moon

2003 drama

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Estranged brothers cope with the loss of their mother, a woman who had really nice legs. Subsequently, I'm bored nearly to tears.

Symbolically bulbous. I can't really pinpoint what my problem was with this, but I didn't like it. Fine acting (the writer/director plays dual roles) and some nifty directorial touches (especially with transitions between scenes and flashbacks), but the metaphors were heavy-handed, almost like grade school symbolism, and several scenes just refused to end. Far Side of the Moon also lacks a moment, a scene that nails you in the back of the head and makes you feel anything at all. Interesting ending, but it's just interesting. It's not a moment.

Speaking of the back of my head:

Persepolis

2007 animated memoir

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Free-thinking future prophet and kung-fu expert Marjane grows up in Iran during a revolution and a war. She watches family and friends suffer for beliefs, imprisoned and in some cases even killed. She's sent to Austria as a teenager, eventually transitioning from a detached outsider to a depressed homeless girl. Breasts arrive. She returns to her homeland and family but finds Iran has not become any easier, especially for a female, even though the war is over.

The first part of Persepolis manages to balance the innocence of childhood with the evils of the world in a way that nearly rivals Grave of the Fireflies. And like that movie, this one brought some tears. The story's at times a little loose and sketchy, but I guess that's how childhood memories work. Sketches of conversations, symbols and snippets. The heaviness of the narrative, both the personal and political, is made a little easier to swallow with some humorous moments. Even the stark black and white old school animation, mostly pretty bleak, has moments that'll bring smiles. And that animation is striking. I just love when an artist can take established forms and create something completely fresh and personal. A great creative use of the medium to paint some unforgettable imagery. Swallowing blacks, shifting shapes, violent tableaus. Graceful and moving. I did like that cute little Parisian mouse a lot, but it'd be hard for me to pick the best animated feature of 2007.

There's an animated mouse living in my hair:

Pierrot Goes Wild

1965 cinematic anarchy

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Completely bored with his own life and appalled by the superficialities of modern society, literature-lover and failed poet Ferninand (not Pierrot) flees town with his children's babysitter Marienne. Marienne, it turns out, is mixed up with a motley crew of gun-runners, and following a murder, the lovers find themselves on the lam. Then, succumbing to peer pressure and the teasing cameras, "Pierrot" repeatedly exposes his wild wild nipples.

This equivalent of cinematic pop art is more than likely the inspiration for all those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Hockney-esque, Warholish, and Lichtensteinian, Godard borrows from comic books, American film genres (humorously, the crime movie, the road movie, musicals, romantic drama), advertising (dialogue at a party early in the morning is plundered from ads), poetry, and painting and slaps it all together into a freeform stew of cinematic anarchy. The result is wildly chaotic, original and fun, funny and poignant, and frequently beautiful. My favorite scenes: the midget gangster and his eventual demise, the gun-runners' dance scene on a beach, an extended long-shot in Marienne's apartment before they leave town, the numerous non-sequiturs peppering the script (the best being Pierrot's final conversation he has with a stranger about a song), the surreal car accident, the explosive denouement. What at times seems like a guy just dicking around, Godard actually has a lot to say about romantic relationships, language futility, emotions, and the role and possibilities of cinema. I gave this movie a bonus point just because of how good Anna Karina looks. Samuel Fuller, who isn't nearly as cute, has a cameo in this one. At times very similar to Godard's Week-end, but it also reminded me a lot of Jeunet's Amelie. Maybe it's the Frenchness.

Get this head a beret!

The Bride with White Hair

1993 martial artsy romantic drama

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Cho Yi-Hang is a gentle swordsman and the future head of the Wu-Tang Clan. Lien is a trained assassin for a wicked cult led by evil siamese twins. They should want to kill each other, but they instead fall in love and screw repeatedly by a waterfall.

A girl raised by wolves and later trained to fly around and use a whip to chop people in half? Psychotic, shape-shifting siamese twins? Men spontaneously growing breasts? Heads rolling around? Fire? A kung-fu Romeo and Juliet? Who can ask for anything more? Unfortunately, the characters are really uninteresting types, and the production looks really cheap. So much in-studio work here with creepy lighting, one-color backgrounds, and smoke machines, and although there's initially a moody and haunting novelty, it ultimately comes across as a one-note, toneless affair. Pretty dull stuff. The kung-fu wasn't any good either. I liked that whip though. It is difficult to understand how a person can be ripped in half at the torso and not bleed at all but when (spoiler!) siamese twins are ripped apart, they bleed like geysers.

I'm eagerly anticipating a martial arts Merchant of Venice!