Movies-A-Go-Go: Friday the 13th

1980 slasher movie

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Camp counselors are stalked by a killer.

Here were my thoughts as I watched Friday the 13th for the first time:

As far as I know, this director, Sean Cunningham, didn't really do anything else notable. [Note: I looked it up. He has definitely not done anything else notable.]

Killer-cam, used earlier in Halloween, which I suspect is a much better movie.

It’s taken me something like 32 years to watch this movie. This and Faces of Death were the two movies that seemed like forbidden fruit back when I was 10 or 11. This one wasn’t quite forbidden. I just never got around to watching it. I think I talked about it with my friends as if I had seen it though because that's the type of guy I was.

Echoing score--my buddies and I would imitate that echoing synth sound. I’m sure, since I never saw this movie, that I didn’t start that. It makes you wonder if anything about me was original in the 1980s.

Ahh, apparently the same thing that happens to sexually charged teenagers happens to teens engaging in singalongs.

No, wait. Here’s the pair of sexually-charged teens. The kids hanging behind to sing “Pull on My Kite, Tom Dooley” are going to be safe.

“We weren’t doing anything. We were just messin’. Oof.” Those are embarrassing last words, embarrassingly delivered.

I have a feeling this movie is going to have a great deal of screaming.

“Hi, girl. Excuse me, hi boy.” I’m 43 now. If I had seen this at a younger age, I think I would have giggled like an idiot during that scene

This gal’s bright. She figured out that she’d better ask human beings for directions instead of a dog. It’s not even a talking dog although a talking dog would definitely be a step in the right direction.

Ralph! At first, I thought he might be a mime. What an actor though.

Walt Gorney, and he's amazing!

This truck driver already flirted with this teenager. Then he “helped” her into the cab of his truck with both hands on her ass. I think she’s hitching a ride with a pedophile.

Banjo music--almost always foreboding.

“Wanna give me a hand over here.” Sure, Steve, if it’s helping you put on a shirt.

Glasses, mustache, handkerchief around the neck, no shirt, cut-off jeans look. It’s solid.

Whoa! White pants, no shirt, and red suspenders! How’s Alice able to contain herself here?

Well, Ned seems a little irresponsible. He about pierced that poor gal with his arrow, non-euphemistically.

I’d have to slow it down to check, but I believe she just jumped from the Jeep onto her head. Which has caused her to limp.

Slash to the throat! I didn’t think her blabbering about baby goats was that annoying.

“Something’s wrong with Ned.” Quite the understatement.

[Note: Reading this several weeks after watching the movie, I'm noticing that they make no fucking sense. I can only imagine that this is a waste of everybody's time.]

After these kids get finished working at camp this summer, the camp’s name will change from Camp Crystal Lake or Camp Blood to Camp Dumbass.

What the fuck, Ned? Adding racism to your bag of jackass tricks?

Cochise? Tonto? I bet cool Officer Dorf here would not hesitate to shoot an unarmed black man.

Ralph’s roaming around spouting his gospel? Yes! I was halfway checked out of this movie, but now I’m all fucking in!

“We ain’t gonna stand for weirdness out here.” I can’t tell if Officer Dorf is supposed to be a comedic character or not.

Ralph, spouting his gospel from the pantry!

Crazy Ralph’s played by Walt Gorney who I apparently saw as a cab driver in the 70’s King Kong movie.

Your dream about blood rain is obviously a subconscious allusion to menstruation. But hey, it looks like it’s getting you laid.

“Jack and Marcie are gonna get drenched!” In their own juices? In blood? Both?

Strip Monopoly. “I’ll be the shoe!”

I don’t play Strip Monopoly unless I get to be the thimble.

Double sixes? That was obviously a 1 and a 3. How high are her opponents?

Poor Ned. He’s totally going to miss Strip Monopoly.

After this Katherine Hepburn impression, it’s hard to tell if the killer is punishing the kids for having sex or for bad impersonations.

I’m going to try to use the words “skin city” more often in my daily life.

What? Using the old “I left my window open” excuse? It’s been raining the whole time.

Sandy wants a night on the town with Steve, and she hasn’t even seen him without his shirt.

Steve’s going to be pissed when he finds out that these kids he’s hired have spent the day bleeding all over his camp.

This doesn’t even seem to be a particularly good example of the slasher genre. How did they make 17 sequels to this movie? Not that I’m exactly an aficionado of these types of films.

Other than Ned, I can’t name a single one of these kids. And other than “immature for his age” for Ned,  I can’t tell you anything about any of them.

Not funny anymore? You’ve been dragged out in a downpour while wearing only a nightgown. When was it ever funny?

Ssshhh. Quiet guys. That bloody ax is trying to take a nap!

Ok, they don’t seem all that concerned about finding a bloody ax.

Steve isn’t going to be happy about that broken window.

Laughing about this tomorrow, eh? You do know that was a bloody ax in that bed, right?

Crazy Ralph is married? I want to see what his wife looks like.

Full moons, as any teacher can tell you, really do make people nuts. The word “lunatic” relates to that notion, of course.

What other movie blog is going to treat you to etymology lessons?

I really can’t wait for the rest of these characters to die. You know, because the camp is doomed! Dooooooomed!

Gosh, I miss Ralph. I might watch the next installment of this franchise if I find out Ralph’s in it.

Damn it, Ralph is in it.

OK, I'm taking back what I typed earlier. I don't think I can do another installment of this franchise. I'm sure I can find better things to do with my time.

What’s-Her-Face is looking for Bill which causes my mind to wander to an old Camper Van Beethoven song called “Where the Hell is Bill?” “Where, where, the hell is Bill? Where, where, the hell is Bill?” I wonder if the members of Camper Van Beethoven were bored while watching this movie and started writing that.

Maybe I’ll be inspired to write my own song.

Nice job fixing the generator, Bill.

Ok, this doesn’t make sense. She’s using a rope tied to the rafter and the door to keep the killer from pulling the door open. Then, she’s putting a bunch of shit in front of the door to keep it from being pushed open? Does she not remember how the door works?

Her responses to seeing her bloodied up Strip Monopoly buddy doesn’t seem all that realistic.

“Hey there, Ralph, whatcha got to say?
They tell me you’re crazy, but I say no way.
Ralphie, oh, Ralphie.
Still crazy after all these years. Ohhhhhhh.
Still crazy after all these years.”

I’ll revise that later.

“They were making love while that young boy drowned!”

Don’t bring a knife to a poker fight, Jason’s mom.

This is poorly lit, even for a movie that cost fifteen dollars to make.

Mrs. Voorhees is going to slap her to death? Seems like there’s got to be a quicker method.

This movie is so crappy that it makes me reevaluate other horror movies. Nightmare on Elm Street, for example, just seems like such a better movie to me now.

C’mon, Jason’s mom. You smashed through the door like that and didn’t take advantage of the opportunity to say, “Heeeeere’s Jason’s mommy!”?

I thought this movie had a killer in a hockey mask in it.

Decapitation! That’s a BINGO for me. I had decapitation, religious nut, strip board game, bloody guy hanging upside down from a tree branch, and faked drowning to get a girl to put her lips on you.

Don’t underestimate Mrs. Voorhees here. She popped back up after you clobbered her with the poker and then again after the head trauma when she came at you with a frying pan. I’m fully expecting her to be fine after losing her head.

This is no time for canoeing, lady. Jason’s probably going to be in there anyway.

Zip-a-dee-doo-da! It is Jason, sans hockey mask. Drowning apparently burned a lot of his skin off.

That scene might have been scary if it wasn’t so incredibly stupid.

You never know what’s in the water, I guess. In this case, it’s a dozen sequels.

This movie needed more Ralph.

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