Movies-A-Go-Go: Santa Claws

2014 talking animal Christmas movie

Rating: 4/20 (Buster: 20/20)

Plot: After Santa's incapacitated at the home of a woman who refuses to believe he exists, her son Tommy, a trio of kittens, and a creepy neighbor have to save Christmas. And they probably fucking will!

Buster was watching this, and once I saw it had talking cats, I knew I had to be in. So I made her start it over to give me the chance to get ready for some Movie A-Go-Go action. I swear she--at the age of 7--made fun of this thing just as much as I did. Her rating went from a 20/20 to a 0/20 after I told her my rating. Later, she said it was a 10/20. The next day, however, she was making her mother watch this, so I think she actually liked it. That or she's sadistic.

Anyway, I Movie-A-Go-Go'd this future Christmas classic:

The Asylum! God damn that studio, the idiots who brought us Sharknado, Atlantic Rim, Titanic 2, and The Age of the Hobbits. I've never actually enjoyed a bad movie made by these people. This is not promising.

A "nine lives" joke within seconds. I think Cat Wall could have written this movie. [Note: Cat Wall was a masterpiece created by some of my school colleagues and me. To the untrained eye, it was a wall in the hallway that was covered in pictures of cats. It's my greatest artistic achievement and the one thing I am proudest of.]

Santa comes down the chimney with some cheap special effects.

“Santa Claus? Where his claws?” Oh, they’re bringing the puns hard! Slow down, guys. You've got an hour and a half of movie to get all these puns out. What's your furry?

Santa brought somebody a 45.

Santa’s allergic to cats? Hmm, you learn something every day.

A cat just attacked Santa Claus which caused him to stumble backward into the tree and break the 45 he’d put on the tree. Thanks to Alanis Morissette, I don't even know if that's ironic.

And now a kid just took a picture of Santa with a Polaroid. When the hell is this supposed to take place?

Whoosh! A terrible CGI sleigh flies into the night and Polaroid boys says, “Dang it!”

Ahh, now it’s “30 years later," and the Polaroid camera and 45 were meant to give period detail.

Why is this family’s neighbor kissing a giant plastic Santa Claus repeatedly?

Oh, my God. I think he’s going to fuck that thing as soon as she goes inside with her kid.

This is only the foreplay, Santa. 

From those glasses, I think we’re supposed to assume the Santa lawn decoration fucker is the kid who took that Polaroid. That picture has to come into play later.

Mom: “Put the milk away or it will go bad.”
Tommy: “Ok, Mom.”
Kitten: “Did someone say milk?”
Me: Did Tennessee Wilson write this thing?
Buster: What?

This scene where cats are making a huge mess with paper towels might seem like a waste of ten minutes of film, but it does show off the kid playing Tommy’s versatility.

The animated cat mouths have ruined Christmas for me. They're a little better than the effect in A Talking Cat?!?

“I picked a heck of a week to quit coughing up hairballs. Cough cough cough.” Holy shit, this is making me angry.

Kitten: “I’m hungry.”
Other Kitten: “Did somebody say food?”
Me: What the hell?
Buster: What?

The kittens can’t get their own food because it’s a little high. And the people who wrote this shit were a lot high.

Wow, Mom is a total bitch. She keeps getting angry at Tommy every time the kittens do something wrong.

Tommy with a raspberry. Nice retaliation, buddy!

Dirt Devil product placement.

Ok, Tommy did leave the door open after being told twice to shut it. Maybe his mom isn't a bitch after all and is just at her wit's end.

Neighbor guy's Santa Clauses just domino'd over. I think he might have overreacted there. Or maybe he just overacted?

Neighbor Guy: “These Santas have been in my family for generations.”
Tommy: “Cree-py.”
Me: You don't know the half of it, Tommy.

And now for a 20 minute scene where Tommy tries to keep kittens on a chair.

“Hiiiiii, Tommy.” The neighbor guy (Mr. Bramble) is cree-py.

Jack fucking Frost! This music just won’t quit! This jaunty music is absolutely relentless! It's a good thing my Christmas tree isn't alive; otherwise, it would wilt.

If I’m understanding this sequence correctly, the kittens are now licking their own fecal matter off Mr. Bramble’s shoes.

Mom: “Tommy, we need to talk about the cats.”
Tommy: “Mom, they’re like family!”

Tommy’s sneaking a Christmas tree like some kids sneak Playboys or hide cigarettes under their mattress.

Mom: “What is this?” So not only does she not believe in Christmas, she doesn’t even seem to know what basic Christmas items like Christmas trees are.

The kid’s room is wonderfully decorated. A scarecrow’s hanging on one wall and a giant fish is right above his bed. Stick with a theme, kid!

Oh, just go to a random craft fair and find a scarecrow or something to hang on the kid's wall. Nobody will pay any attention to stuff like that. 

I can’t believe she took his Christmas tree away and put it in the basement. One, because there’s no way she can be that awful of a human being. Two, because I would have figured she would have burned it. Yes, I realize those statements are contradictory.

Uh oh, Tommy’s diving under the bed for more contraband. What is it? What is it, Tommy? Oh, snap! It’s fucking craft supplies!

Decorating a box montage!

What’s Tommy’s game here? He put the three kittens in a box he decorated so that Santa can take them? But does Santa even come to the houses of people who don't believe? And isn’t Santa allergic to cats?

Tommy spelled “keep” with an “a’ so he’s obviously got issues with spelling as well as decorating.

Back to Mr. Bramble, apparently masturbating while watching a Santa Tracker website.

A Sharknado reference as Bramble looks for a VHS to record Santa. It makes you wonder what else this creepy guy records since he’s apparently got cameras aimed at his neighbor’s roof.

Oh, wow. Those Santa-falling-from-the-roof effects were tremendous. “Guys, I think we broke Santa.”

The reindeer talk just like the turtles in Finding Nemo. Because that makes a lot of sense.

Hey, watch it, dude!

Santa Incapacitation would be a good name for a band, but they’d have to be like Mannheim Steamroller and just steamroller out during the holiday season.

Great. The reindeer give the writer another animal to say non-sequiturs. That was needed because three kittens just wasn’t enough.

And a cat just belched. Why aren't Christians boycotting this kind of stuff?

Tommy’s dragged Santa into the house and Mom just woke up. He seems worried, but isn’t this a golden opportunity to prove that she was wrong?

Actually, she was pissed about the tree. Just think how angry she’s going to be when she finds out Tommy has brought in a Santa Claus.

Meanwhile, the kittens (the Santa Claws, if I’m understanding all this right) have destroyed a Christmas tree and are more than likely behind schedule. The woman who looks a little like Flo from the insurance commercials warned them about that. I think they had six hours, and they've probably been at this one house for at least an hour.

This music! It’s just so painful!

Aha! Tommy’s mom was the one whose record got broken! So that’s why she hates Christmas. It doesn’t explain why she doesn’t believe in Santa though since she actually saw him and knew he brought her a broken record.

So apparently these two adult characters live in the same houses they did as kids. Am I to assume that they lived there as children without any parents or that both of their parents are dead and have passed the house on to them? And where's Tommy's dad? I want a prequel.

Terrified of a cat, Mr. Bramble, who was peeking into his neighbor’s window because he’s creepy, steps on a skateboard and falls into a swimming pool. I can’t even begin to make a list of what’s wrong with that scene.

Little Girl: “Hello!”
Kitten: horrifying yell
Me: And we’ve reached something close to poetic here.

Well, this little girl is managing to out-bad-act Tommy. It’s a Christmas miracle!

Kitten: “Kill me.” He took the words right out of my mouth!

The kittens open their mouths to talk (most of the time) but not to laugh. The special effects are very inconsistent.

I believe I’m watching the worst montage in the history of film.

Or when they scream. They don’t open their mouths all the time when they do that either.

Uh oh, Mom’s about to mace Santa. Actually, this movie is sort of the cinematic equivalent to mace.

If I had to pick between watching this again and being maced, I’d think long and hard about it.

I don’t even think that’s mace. I think it’s a generic brand Fabreeze. I suppose you could still do damage to Santa eyes with it though.

Tommy got his tree back. It looks a little more pathetic in the living room.

But Santa’s dropping fucking miracles! In a soupy special effect, he just Merry Christmased the fuck out of their house!

Mr. Bramble--a pussy grabber. I knew it! [He trapped a cat in a wicker basket in this scene. Trust me--this is hilarious.]

I just paused to get ice cream for Buster and me. And there’s somehow 29 minutes left in this movie.

I have become profoundly depressed at how much more time I have to see this.

Oh, I love when bad movies have flashbacks that show a montage of a whole bunch of other scenes in the movie. I already hated these scenes the first time, Santa Claws director! [It's Glenn Miller, by the way. No, not that Glenn Miller. The Glenn Miller who directed Zoombies, The Bell Witch Haunting, and The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.]

Predictably, she believes Santa is real now. But it wasn’t until he referenced that broken 45. Not when he magically grew a Christmas tree or decorated her house with a wave of his hand.

Santa waves his arms around and makes a "catastrophe" pun, and  Mom looks absolutely repulsed, likely because of the acting. I believe this is the worst Santa Claus I’ve ever seen on film.

Does Santa Claus live on cookies? This is a serious question.

Bramble had a monologue that was about as intense as a speech can be. And now I believe. I don't know what I believe in, but I definitely believe.

The “snow” the lost kittens are walking on. I believe it’s asbestos on a tarp. The ground wobbles as the kittens walk on it.

Bramble to his friend: “If you help me, I’ll owe you big time.”
Friend (with a very annoying voice--I’m guessing it’s the director): “Ok, but you owe me big time.”

“Mom never lets me have cookies at night.” I think it’s around 5 in the morning actually.

Santa’s allergic reaction to peanut butter cookies. We have reached a new acting pinnacle. And oh holy night! Look at his hand!

“Grab the EpiPen” Tommy’s mom is going to have to jab it in his heart like he’s Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction!

Tommy: “Thanks for saving Santa.”
Santa: “Now that’s Christmas magic.”
Me: Why don’t you have another cookie, Santa?
Buster: Dad!

I love how the “It’s almost sunrise” line was punctuated with a stock footage shot of the sunrise.

And now there’s a snow globe, and Santa says, “When the last snowflake falls, it’s over” or something. I swear they’re making this shit up as they go.

Hacking into Santa’s sleigh. It’s so 21st Century!

No presents for Bramble? Maybe because he’s the creepiest human being who’s ever lived!

High hoof? I’m really glad the reindeer weren’t in this movie more.

I love these multiple references to these two seeing Santa as little kids and other kids making fun of them for it.

Tommy’s mom is his present! I was totally going to call that but got distracted typing something else. Bramble’s going to get him some tonight, courtesy of Santa Claus!

The hat’s magic returns without any explanation. The reindeer come back. This movie’s inconsistent internal logic is causing the movie to implode!

“This is for you, Tommy.” I hope this present is something to hang on his wall with that scarecrow and fish.

Even Santa’s “ho ho ho’s” are bad.

It’s not Christmas until you’ve taken a selfie with a Polaroid camera.

Buster: “What’s your rating?”

The cats, obviously not the same ones pictured on the poster. 

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