The Shallows

2016 shark movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Because there just aren't enough movies about killer sharks, movie executives put a surfer girl in close proximity to one. She finds herself injured and stranded so close but so very far away from the shore as the shark attempts to either eat or mate with her.

I have to admit something. I probably only watched this movie because of Blake Lively's ass, something I remember vividly enjoying in the preview that I saw at the movie theater. I don't even find Blake Lively incredibly attractive or anything--just attractive in a sort of general way--but I think there was some subliminal advertising going on or something.

It's easy to find a subtext with this movie. You don't have to dig deep to find that in The Shallows. Gosh, I hope you're smart enough to get that pun. Anyway, with an attractive-in-a-general-way Blake Lively's posterior being thrown at us hungry American males while a giant toothy phallic symbol darts around, it's obvious that this is a movie about sexual predators. We perverse males, generally attracted to asses that are half our age, become the sharks as our eyes feast on the Blake Livelies on our screens. Of course, the surfboard has to be a phallic symbol as well. Surfer girls try to control one phallic symbol by riding it while much scarier phallic symbols attempt to devour her. It's enough to make Freud pull out his cigar and start stroking it right in the theater like he's Pee Wee.

Anyway, I digress before I even got started.

Oh, I'm going to digress again because one thing I was thinking about while watching this movie is how cool it would have been if the Beach Boys had sung a song about a surfer girl being attacked by a shark. I'm talking the "Help Me, Rhonda" stage of their career rather than their superior Pet Sounds/Smile stuff. Or maybe it could have been during the Smile recordings with Paul McCartney and Van Dyke Parks eating carrots into a microphone to simulate shark chomping. Does anybody know what the hell I'm talking about here?

I thought Ms. Lively did a fine job in this survival role. They end up making her look terrible, but the shark is drunk and doesn't mind at all. Doesn't mind the blood either, and trust me, there was blood coming out of her wherever, to quote our next president. The shark was also really good, probably a method actor.

This update of Jaws isn't going to come close to replacing Jaws, but it's got its share of thrills and fits right along with the countless other person vs. nature movie dramas.

"Oh, surfer girl,
You know I love you to pieces.
Ride ride, surfer girl, won't you ride on that wood.
Chomp chomp, chomp her up, eat her up good."

That's pretty good. I might send that to Brian Wilson.

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